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Could your husband be gay if you found gay porn on his computer but he said he was just curious and how should you deal with it because now you're not attracted to him anymore?

In: Gay Lesbian and Bisexual

Answer:

The worst thing you can do is corner him or confront him with a negative connotation. Above all don't do that, he will shut down and not explain to you what is going on in his head.

My husband watches gay porn all the time and I don't feel like I even know him. I honestly don't know if I want to waste 20 years of my life waiting for him to come out of the closet. What it boils down to is communication and trust. Without that what do we have? I often ask myself why I married this man if he lies to me about these things on a daily basis. I have asked him about the gay porn and even went as far as to offer to be more "kinky" in bed and have never gotten much of a response out of him. Perhaps its my fault for allowing him to take a "butt chewing per se" without fighting back, but my husband simply does not fight back. He is a man of few words. Every straight man I know is not at all interested in gay porn.

I'm a gay 20 years old and I've frequented porn sites and the usual gay dating sites. I find a lot of older married men on there who look for plain old sex. It's hard for men and women, who are wired differently to understand each others' needs. Most of the men I've dated who ended up married pursued a relationship with men that was purely sex. They didn't need the intimacy, just the sex, because they were too afraid to put their wives in a position where she would feel used or abused. Most married men I've dated really liked being assertive and trying really raunchy things with me that they would never ask their wives to be part of this because they respected their wives too much. My bottom line is that he respects you a lot probably, and was too afraid to act on it with you using toys or assertiveness, or S&M, or whatever. You need to probably get tested for STDs and then decide if you can confront him calmly. If you can, then you need to explain why you feel what you do. If he's willing to come to terms with you, then great. Realize you may have to do some compromising too, like maybe play with dildos in bed sometimes. Most men love anal stimulation after they've tried it, because it touches their g-spot.

Let's face it ladies, some men can just be plain perverted and here's an old saying, "A man unzips his fly and his brains fall out." Of course this is not true for all men. Some men have always been attracted to S&M sex even if they just take a peek onto a website or in a magazine (some are just more shy or sneakier about it) or porn magazines, but now there is that almighty Internet (a proverbial library at their masculine little finger tips. He is curious, but I bet he was embarrassed when you caught him! Most men act very macho when confronted with gay anything, yet inside all of us there is a curiosity (doesn't mean we have to become gay.) As a married couple you have every right to sit down and discuss how you feel about the fact he is into male porn and you're not buying his excuses. It would turn me off too. Actually, most women feel uneasy even if their mates look at porn of any kind, while a small percentage of women get off on it. My own husband used to buy "Playboy." Well, men can have the freedom of looking or reading at what they want (I remember the good old saying, "But there is some good articles in it.") Yeah, right .... dream on! I have to admit I felt threatened, and although I was often told I was attractive, I felt threatened as I knew I couldn't look like these #10 women in Playboy. Men don't realize these women are sprayed with body make-up, 1/2 of them have had breast implants, and the men don't care to know! I didn't nag at my husband, but I went out and bought "Play Girl!" I just left it on the coffee table after I took a look inside and READ THOSE ARTICLES! I saw him circling the coffee table like a shark and eye-balling the magazine and I ignored him (giggling inside and a sense of joy came over me) and finally out stammered the words, "What do you want a magazine like that for?" He was curious, but at the same time disgusted and he told me he didn't like me looking at the magazine. I replied, "Well, that's not fair because some of these articles are really educational." He never said another word and a week later I found all his Play Boy magazines in the garbage! I am sure he's had the odd one through the years and in my wisdom of old age I now know it's perfectly normal and that some men just gotta have it even if they can't always perform they way they did when younger. Sit down and tell your husband you are extremely uncomfortable with this new "turn on" and you won't put up with it. Don't be angry and try to pull out of him why he feels he needs to do this. It is true that some gay males can try marriage with the opposite sex, it rarely if ever works out and they can even father a child. I have a friend such as this, but he did explain to me he was trying to prove to himself he wasn't gay (society can put a lot of pressure on gays) that he thought he would be able to change. Unfortunately, he was gay and it was best he lead his gay life. He never once cheated on his wife and he was and still is a wonderful father to his son. I am not saying your husband is gay, because if you have been married for 3 or more years or longer, the chances are your husband is straight. Have that talk!

I suggest that you decide exactly why you are not attracted to him any more. It is possible that he is gay, bi, or perfectly straight. It does not necessarily mean he doesn't love you or is no longer attracted to you. It also does not mean he is cheating or has ever had those experiences himself (and maybe doesn't want to!). Saying you simply won't accept this interest of his is a great way to push him away emotionally and physically. Talk to him, maybe go to counseling together since it sounds like this could affect your marriage long-term. If it is just a curiosity and you don't make a big deal of it, it may pass or it may not and you need to decide whether you can accept that curiosity. If you make him feel like he should hide things like that from you, he will. Demanding that he not be curious any more is not going to make him stop being curious, as much as we women wish that could be the case. Men's brains just work differently than ours.

I confronted my husband about his gay porn surfing online. He swore it was a fantasy. Then he began posting personal ads on gay sites, still insisting it was a fantasy thing. Then he acted on it, still using the fantasy excuse. So in my experience this curiosity/fantasy fascination can escalate. We were married 8 years. Best of luck--this is the most difficult thing I've ever faced. The betrayal is overwhelming.

I am gay and was married for almost 25 years. My wife caught me once and I agreed to counseling., but I still surfed and deleted the history daily and cookies. I loved her but the fact remains: I "AM" most definitely attracted to MEN. Always have been. She is now deceased and I MISS her a lot but am now exploring what I have always known in my heart and mind all my adult life.

About two months ago I discovered that my husband was into gay porn.... mostly transsexuals. After questioning him he denied it for a long time, but I finally showed him that I had enough proof to know that he was lying to me. When I asked him if he had ever been involved sexually with another man he informed me that he had been sexually active with a transsexual many years ago and then after that continued to look at them on the Internet, but at the same time he refused to admit that the act turned him on. As I looked further into it I found that he had been chatting online not only with transsexuals but also with gay MEN and he had filled out a profile on line for MAN seeking MAN on a dating website. I finally realized why our sex life was lacking.. I am lost and scared because the trust I had in him is totally gone and I am afraid that the only reason he married me is because deep down he wants a "normal" life or he wants a double life. How can I stay with a man that I suspect is gay? How can I have a family with a fear that he will finally come to terms with his sexuality and leave me for a man when I am 40. This is the most difficult obstacle I have faced in my life and I feel like I am doing it alone. The worst part of all this is that I love him with all of my heart and I don't want to lose him. I want him to be the man that I fell in love with. Also, I know that if we end our relationship he will do the same thing to another woman.

Hello to the above poster. You poor thing. I cannot really give you an answer other than your case is not unique as I am going through the same hell. My husband surprised me early on in our relationship 16 years ago by dressing as a woman one night and expected me to accept it and not be shocked. I felt used and confused. but went along with it. There must have been some underlying urge for him to act out the woman part in a mixed sex relationship. Some time later when the Internet came on the scene, I found that he had been visiting gay web sites and even down loading pictures of revolting men having sex. He only wanted sex with me if I acted as a man and wore a false you-know-what. I wanted my marriage to be happy and went along with his ways until eventually his character changed and he got big headed at the fact he could have his cake and eat it too. He became aggressive. This was too much for me and I looked for a relationship where I felt feminine again. I told my husband that I had embarked on an affair and why I had done it. His answer was that he was sorry and had been confused and he really wasn't gay or bi-sexual and that he loved me. We stayed together and 5 years later I have just found out that he has posted his photo and ad looking for a gay relationship on the Internet - even putting his address up for all to see. Even though he promised me that he was over his 'men' stage years ago, he says this is still a fantasy but I believe this has gone beyond that and each time he betrays me it goes that bit further. What will be the next stage? I believe that these men use women like us, i.e. women who are so dedicated to our men that we will put up with anything from them and make excuses up for them but boy do these men know it. This is what they play on as they are not too sure if they want to admit openly that they are gay so they have the love and security of a good wife whilst we are being tormented through hell. I don't want to lose my husband and my life with my children but after 16 years of his adventures becoming more of a reality and threat each time, I think I have to make a decision to show him that I will not accept this any more. I deserve better and this is killing me. The embarrassment of it all means that I have no one to talk to and at the same time I prefer it like that so that no one can tell me what I really fear: that my husband is gay and selfish and taking me for a ride.

To the poster who's husband is 'Man Seeking Man' on a porn site. As much as you love him and as much as you are hurt by his actions you must be true to yourself and realize he does prefer men over women. This is a very dangerous situation to stay in as he could give you a sexually transmitted disease. You must sit down with him and express to him you cannot and will not stand by and allow him to do this to you and that you are leaving. I know how painful this will be for you, but it's better than wondering if you will pick up a sexually transmitted disease or he could leave you at any given time for another man. You are control of 'you.'

I recently found text messages from a man to my husband, which of course sparked my curiosity to investigate further. Upon speaking with this other man, I found that my husband of four years had been surfing gay porn sites to the point of creating a profile and chatting with other men online. The text messages were from a man that he was going to meet up with, and the only reason that they did not meet up was because the other man could not make it. Where to go from here? He swears it was just because he was curious, but I don't know what to think. If he was curious why did he want to meet up with others? This betrayal is the worst I have ever felt, and I don't know if I will ever be able to move on from this. If he suppresses his true feelings how will I know this, and how will I know that he isn't looking at other guys? What if he is in denial?

My husband is constantly looking/smiling at men, especially the younger men. When we go out to dinner and we're waiting for a table I feel like I am all alone sitting with him. We have not had good intimacy for almost a year. I convinced him to go to the doctor and all tests come back that he is physically fine. I have found gay and bisexual sites on his computer that he says he has not downloaded, but I know he has. I feel like he always has the upper hand. If he lies to me he is the only one that knows for sure, he has choices, but because I don't know for sure I have no clear choices. Sometimes I feel I have only been around so he can look normal. Very sad and feeling betrayed.

I am a married man and through the Internet and previous thoughts of experimentation have found myself interested in watching gay porn and pictures. My wife found out of my interest and felt hurt and confused about the whole thing. I explained that I was curious but also explained that after I would masturbate with thoughts of men, I felt disgusted with myself and would go for a week or two before the feelings of watching gay porn would come back to me. I realized that I never had thoughts of intimacy with men as far as kissing or hugging, I just liked the thoughts of the sex acts. I don't know if that is much better, but I have noticed that the more intimacy I have with my wife the less I think of gay porn. She has come to realize this and has been very supportive in this area and has even allowed some toys into the relationship and has used them on me so that I get the thoughts of certain sex acts out of my mind. I will admit that the thoughts of gay sex will never completely leave my thoughts, but I have been in control of these thoughts a lot better since I have been able to speak more freely of my fantasies. I will say that too many fantasies of gay sex can lead to actually attempting the act. During the time when she was not aware of my thoughts of gay sex, I would frequent adult arcades and would look at other men that were there to perform oral sex with other men, but I never had this act performed on me but was very close to having this done. It is very tough sometimes when I have not had any intimacy with my wife for a long time, the thoughts just seem to creep up on me and I have to masturbate in order to have these thoughts go away. I have to say with the most honesty that I wish I would have experimented before I got married, but my wife, girlfriend at the time, was not interested in time off from one another and would have had a fit if I ever brought it up. I guess I should have been more of a man and forced the separation instead of letting her take control of the relationship. I bring this up to her and she just says that I should have brought my thoughts of men up at the time and she would have given me the time. Some how I don't believe her, but it has been five years of marriage and overall we are doing fine. I really love her and she really loves me and accepts that I will have thoughts of men once in a while, but little arguments about this subject do come up every once in a while but they slowly disappear and we go back to normal. So I don't know if this helps because each man is a little different, but these are my experiences and thoughts.

About six months ago I found emails to my boyfriend of men in seductive poses in cowboy boots, there were also emails from gay websites. Over the next few months I found a gay porn also cowboys and emails with pictures of himself in his own cowboy boots that he sent to other men. I have confronted him about all of this, his response was it was only curiosity. He has a few regular porns and did register to meet women online as well. My boyfriend is adopted and has an older brother who is not. He wrote me a letter about his feelings of inferiority, he was never treated as an equal and neither his adopted father or brother gave him the attention or love he deserves and it may be pertinent to say he is very dark complexioned going to an all white school. He has always had feelings of not belonging/ not being accepted. Anyway, his letter to me stated that he had a gay professor in college who would repeatedly tell him how attractive he was and that he should model, he says the comments lead him to be curious and seek out approval of others on the Internet both male and female for validation of himself and his looks, that they are not the reason he had been betrayed in relationships in the past. I must say if I had not found these things, I would have no doubt of our relationship. However, I did and now I do have doubts. I do not want to become the wife whose husband leaves her for another man. My boyfriend has always had a high sex drive with me. I have found no new evidence that he is looking at gay websites, but as you described, he could just be covering it up. Without a doubt I know that he loves me with all his heart, but I am literally making myself sick. Please share your insight with me, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, his cowboy boots are now a trigger of bad memories, and I don't know what to make of it, he says he's worn them since he was young, but they seem to be an obsession, he owns twenty pairs of them. One last thing, I looked up the guys he sent emails to and they looked just like my boyfriend, my boyfriend even took pictures of himself in the exact poses they were in. Is he gay or just seeking approval and validation from anyone he can?

I am having the same trouble with my fiance right now. On two separate occasions I have found male gay pornography on the computer, purely by accident. On both occasions he has responded with what appears to be the standard "I was curious". The first time was forgotten until earlier this week I found more. After confronting him again, he has told me the same "curious" story and see "how the other half lives" stuff, as he has gay friends. One of my closest friends is a lesbian and I have no desire to go there so I don't understand why he would want to look at naked gay men and hermaphrodites! He has made me out to be some untrusting neurotic partner. By his own admission, he thinks I'm making an issue out of a non issue. He simply cannot (or will not) understand why I feel the way I do. All I have asked of him is to tell me when he does so when I'm confronted with it when I turn on the computer, it's not going to be a big shock. He tells me he has no intentions of acting out these things and that he would tell me if he wanted to, but given that he was on the net looking at gay porn when I wasn't home suggests otherwise. I'm now unsure whether I'm right to feel how I do or if I'm just a neurotic insecure partner. He's made me feel like it's my fault and I'm quite reluctant to bring it up again. Next time I will just leave. He says he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't speak to me but I would just like some honesty about it all. I can't look at him in the face any more. I don't know what to think or do. We have moved to a regional centre and know very few people so I have no support network, other than Lifeline. I rang them the other day and they were quite helpful. He doesn't just seem to understand why I'm so upset. Can anyone else help? I'm just desperate for answers and may just go back to my friends in Sydney where I can get some support and assistance, although I really need it from my fiance, the only one I truly love.

This doesn't mean your husband is gay at all. He's just curious. Some straight women enjoy seeing females in porn or threesomes (each to their own.) Men seem to think about sex when they have too much time on their hands. He's browsing and seeing what's up in this area. It's time you grew up and stopped second-guessing him. Start communicating and let him explain himself. Tell him it bothers you and be honest in saying it makes you feel like he's gay and it's a turn-off. If you can't have this sort of conversation with your mate then you have no business living with them.

Straight men do not look at gay porn. You need to protect yourself before your health is compromised. Stop sleeping with him immediately or practice safe sex. Go to Amazon.com and order "The Straight Up Truth About The Down Low" by Joy Marie and "Straight Wives Shatter Lives". Both of these books helped me when I found out my husband was gay. Yes, the pain and devastation is horrible, however you will make it through just as many of us have. Good luck to you.

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