Do narcissists say it is 'the real me' when describing themselves in situations they like?

Answer 1

Once formed and functioning, the False Self stifles the growth of the True Self and paralyses it. Henceforth, the True Self is virtually non-existent and plays no role (active or passive) in the conscious life of the narcissist. I do not believe in the ability to "resuscitate" it through therapy. It is not only a question of alienation, as Horney observed. She said that because the Idealised (=False) Self sets impossible goals to attain � the results are frustration and self hate which grow with every setback or failure. I assign the constant sadistic judgment, the self-berating, the suicidal ideation to another source: to an idealised, sadistic, Superego. There is no conflict between the True Self and the False Self. First, the True Self is much too weak to engage in conflict with the overbearing False. Second, the False Self is adaptive (though maladaptive). It helps the True Self to cope with the world. Without the False Self, the True Self would be subjected to so much hurt that it will disintegrate. This happens to narcissists who go through a life crisis: their False Ego becomes dysfunctional and they experience a harrowing feeling of annulment.

The False Self has many functions, described at great length below. The two most important are:

(1) It serves as a decoy, it "attracts the fire". It is a proxy for the True Self. It is tough and hard and can absorb any amount of pain, hurt and negative emotions. By externalising it, the child develops immunity to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, or exploitation � in short: to the abuse � inflicted on him by his parents (or by other Primary Objects in his life). It is a shell, protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same time.

(2) The False Self is misrepresented by the narcissist as his True Self. The narcissist is saying, in effect: "I am not who you think that I am. I am someone else. I am that (False) Self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The False Self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter the attitude of the (human) environment towards the narcissist.

The False Self is a reaction to pathological circumstances (maybe even a healthy reaction). But its dynamics make it predominate, devour the psyche and prey upon both the True Self and the efficient, flexible functioning of the personality.

That the narcissist possesses a prominent False Self as well as a suppressed and dilapidated True Self is common knowledge. Yet, how intertwined and inseparable are these two? Do they interact? How do they influence each other? And what behaviours can be attributed squarely to one or the other of these protagonists? Moreover, does the False Self assume traits and attributes of the True Self in order to deceive?

Let's start by referring to an oft-occurring question:

Why are narcissists not prone to suicide? Simple: they died a long time ago. They are the true Zombies of the world.

Many researchers and scholars and therapists tried to grapple with the void at the core of the narcissist. The common view is that the remnants of the True Self are so ossified, shredded, cowed into submission and repressed � that, for all practical purposes, they are dysfunctional and useless. In treating the narcissist, the therapist often tries to invent a healthy self, rather than build upon the distorted wreckage strewn across the narcissist's psyche.

But what of the rare glimpses of True Self that those who interact with narcissists keep reporting?

If the pathological narcissistic element is but one of many other disorders � the True Self may well have survived. Gradations and shades of Narcissism make up the narcissistic spectrum. Narcissistic traits (overlay) are often co-diagnosed with other disorders (co-morbidity).

Some people have a narcissistic personality or style � but NOT NPD! These distinctions are important. A person may well appear to be a narcissist � but is not, in the strict, psychiatric, sense of the word.

In a full-fledged narcissist, the False Self IMITATES the True Self.

To do so artfully, it deploys two mechanisms:

It causes the narcissist to re-interpret certain emotions and reactions in a flattering, True Self-compatible, light. A narcissist may, for instance, interpret FEAR � as compassion. If the narcissist hurts someone he fears (e.g., an authority figure) � he may feel bad afterwards and interpret his discomfort as EMPATHY and COMPASSION. To be afraid is humiliating � to be compassionate is commendable and earns the narcissist social acceptance and understanding.

The narcissist is possessed of an uncanny ability to psychologically penetrate others. Often, this gift is abused and put at the service of the narcissist's control freakery and sadism. The narcissist uses it liberally to annihilate the natural defenses of his victims by faking unprecedented, almost inhuman, empathy.

This capacity is coupled with the narcissist's ability to frighteningly imitate emotions and their attendant behaviours. The narcissist possesses "emotional resonance tables". He keeps records of every action and reaction, every utterance and consequence, every datum provided by others regarding their state of mind and emotional make-up. From these, he then constructs a set of formulas, which often result in impeccably and eerily accurate renditions of emotional behaviour. This can be enormously deceiving.

yes, they do! they say this is the real me at what ever time they are at now. a day or week later they will be just the oposite and yet again will say this is the real me!they mean it just as much as when they said it previously, and so the cycle goes on. there is no consistancy, and if questioned about it they explain away the oposite "real me" by making excuses about it or denying that they said it. my narc`s classic saying is "i mean everything i say at the time i say it, or i wouldn't have said it"! i sort of believe that as he sounds very sincere, then again it could just be another pathalogical lie! we wouldn't know as any narc would just lie if asked that question.