How can one protect oneself from a manic depressive spouse who has maxed out credit cards and a inability to pay them and is divorce the only way?

Answer

You will not be able to cure this person. They have a serious illness. There is no point in living in that uncertainty. See a counsellor and start making plans to leave. You owe it to yourself to be happy.

Answer

I am yet another writer experienced in living with a manic depressive person who also self medicates. When we went to the doctor about this issue she did nothing to help. Actually, she made things worse but administering self diagnosis in which she is an MD and not a mental health professional. She gave him an anti depressant which made his manic flare out into rage attacks. Then she added more pain medication since he continued to complain about pain from work. We told her he using these meds to self medicate and at times alcohol to bring him down from a manic. I went to see the author of " What goes up" a newer book about a manic spouse who eventually committted suicide. Her experience was like mine and she herself was a social worker with no one listening to her about her own spouse. These people are charmers, and often what they do privately does not show the same was in public. Often additional mental health issues come with this especially if you notice their own family in denial about these matters. My husband has gotten worse over the years. He denies any problems other then it is me or his children but never him. He has no empathy for others, sleeps in our masterbedroom alone, allowing me to come in occasionally. He helps with nothing and when manic with rage strikes, everything is destroyed. My children have all moved out now and do not even come home for holidays because he is either moaning and laying in a bed or up and raging manic behavior and it destroys all our holidays. I have not had one Christmas in 15 years because of him. Loyalty or not this is a behavior that no human needs to endure. Many people are sick but when they ride the fence and show others their con job of lies about how bad it really is and when a doctor can actually play co dependent and make matters worse, There is nothing more to be done. My children know no peace. My health takes a beatting from his insanity. Your life is worth more then this..........this man has had three wifes now and I am the first to hang on this long since 1987. When is enough enough ? It is not just about credit cards, those are easy to stop. It is all the other insanity and lack of love and a life. Don't tolerate it. There are sane people out there willing to be partners. Elizabeth read that book WHAT GOES UP.........

Divorce is your decision because living with a manic depressive person can be difficult at best. I always believe (other than abusive behavior in a married relationship) that we are in marriage for the long haul. There is no guarantees as to which mate is going to become ill or with what. It's so easy to run away when things get a bit tough, but you sound like a strong person and want to make things work between you and your spouse and also you reflect being a made that is loyal.

Firstly, see your family doctor (your spouse doesn't have to go with you for the first appointment) and see what your options are. There are medications that can certainly help your mate over-come manic depression, but they need to stabilize on medications first in order to concentrate on the counseling that comes next.

CUT UP ALL CREDIT CARDS! Most Credit Card Companies want their money and would rather work with you to help you pay off your debts than not get the money at all. Write the Credit Card companies and explain the situation and then ask for a lower percentage rate on your outstanding debt. They will reduce the percentage rate (by law!) As long as you don't own an expensive home, own several cars and go on vacation, but you are basically just making it from pay check to pay check Credit Card Companies will work with you if you can pay the minimum payment with the new low rate of interest. This way you will keep your credit rating up.

Don't let your mate have ANY credit cards and give your mate an allowance in cash if it's possible. When I deposit my husband's pay check into the bank I know how much free money we have and first I pay our bills, then I put a little into an emergency fund and then I divide what is left between my husband and I. That's our allowance! Sometimes it's a good amount and other times we're lucky if we can take in dinner and a movie.

If you follow the above steps and get your mate in for proper medication and some counseling there is no reason your marriage can't become successful. If your mate refuses help then it's up to you to decide if it's worth the pain of going through all this and perhaps you need to move on. Make sure you make your feelings clear to your mate.

Good luck Marcy

Legal Issues

In the US an adult (spouse or otherwise) cannot legally prevent another adult from using credit cards or obtaining other sources of credit unless said adult agrees, has granted a power of attorney or the concerned adult (spouse) has been awarded adult guardianship.

They cannot take the credit cards from the adult or destroy them or close the account without the legal authority or permission from the account holder even if the accounts are joint marital ones. To do so arbitrarily can result in serious legal consequences for the person acting against the non compliant spouse.

The best option for the spouse to protect herself is to consult with an attorney concerning the "innocent spouse" laws for the state in which she resides.