How do narcissistic cycles of overvaluing and devaluing work?

Answer 1

My experience was similar, except that the periods of time between overvaluing and devaluing were shorter. He could be lovely and 'caring' for approximately three weeks then suddenly say that we would never be a good couple and break up with me with no further explanation other than that it was his 'intuition' that we wouldn't be a good couple or that he felt that our relationship could get 'operatic'. The only thing we ever fought about was his spontaneous dumpings. I noticed that these 'dumpings' usually followed a day or an evening where he had a really good time, almost as if he had let his guard down then felt frightened and/or disgusted with himself for it.

The first time he did this I was completely confused and blaimed myself for doing something wrong in the relationship. When he came crawling back- which he did by infiltrating my circle of friends and convincing me to go out for dinner with him. Too many glasses of wine later, I had forgiven him. The second time he did it, I couldn't believe it. This time was a little messier, and we didn't talk for well over a month. He got me back by pretending that his life was a disaster (of his own making). He started smoking again, started going to strip clubs, complained that he had had a bad performance review at work, was lonely, and was upset over our 'squabbling'. I felt sorry for him. I went back to him. Sure enough within a few more weeks he was acting strange again. This time I knew it was coming. When he finally delievered the big blow (after a week of being completely aloof and going on a vacation without me after he had initially implied that he wanted me to go) I had enough. I told him that I was glad that it was over, I wanted to date someone else and I walked out of his house without a word- hopefully that was a narcissistic injury. My problem is that he has managed to trick some of our mutual friends (including a therapist) into thinking he's a great guy. I know he's just waiting for another opportunity to start the cycle again. The only difference is that I now know what he is and why he does what he does.

I suspect that sometimes the narcissist devalues their supply source in order to get more narcissitic supply. I feel that he was hoping that I would plead for him not to leave me in order to feel good about himself. It backfired.

Yes, it can be repetitive with the same NS, if there is no new NS on the horizon. This is what happened to me. In my case, the overvaluing and devaluing were cyclical. He wanted me around in the winter and ignored me in the summer. I have given my N two very severe bouts of narcissistic injury and he has returned both times, once eighteen months later, and the second time six months later. He had rearranged the facts in his mind to something he could accept, and then was ready for another round. I don't think there are any hard and fast answers to this, but if he has returned once after an injury, then I think he is likely to return again and again - BUT it will never be any different!

The narcassist feels weak for wanting ANYTHING from the opposite sex yet at the same time has the desire to connect, but only on a superficial level. The N meets a person and falls in lust like the rest of us. However soon their internal dialogue takes hold. They cannot show they care for you, to them this is weak. Is is too fearfull and they are wracked with paranoid fears of jealousy and abandoment. The only solution? In their mind is to mentally destroy their victim. Thus begins the push pull game. They cannot stand they want you so they discard you but then they want you back for atttention and sex so they come back. Then the cycle continues OVER and OVER unless you bail out. They will not settle for nothing less than total control over your mind and soul. They see it as thrilling to have their prey worn down and at their mercy. The worst thing a victim can do is leave calmly and move on with their life. The N therefore feels he/she was not that important to begin with. Then begins even more inner torment.

Like Aristotle said, the same action can be described using a positive word or a negative word. Narcissist use the positive when speaking about themselves but use the negative when speaking about others.

N's have "careers" but they say others have "jobs"

N's work weekends they are "dedicated employees," but accuse others of "neglecting their families."

N's call in sick they are on their death-bed. When you call in sick they say you are faking it.

When N's are late for work, it's because a disaster-emergency happened to them. When others miss work, the N says, "they were lazy and couldn't get out of bed."

N's buy namebrand because they have "good taste," while they say others buy namebrand because they are "materialistic, commerical and fake."

N's relay info to help people and are communicating. Others' are backstabbing and gossiping.

N's care about the environment and recycle. N's tell everyone you are recycling because you are frugile and cheap.

N's say everything they buy was a job perk or a bonus check. N's say everything you buy is because you are selfish and wasting money.

N's have friends in high places who admire them. N's say your friends in high places are snobs and you are just wanting to rub shoulders with the rich.

It's interesting about what someone wrote on here about how they want you in cycles. mine always was with me in the spring summer months and dissed me and devalued me in the winter and this has now happend two times for two summers.i get it now and I'm done.

One day your the greatest person on earth to them then, when you don't do or say something they wanted you to or you ask something of them that they don't want to do they demean you and ignore you no longer are you important to them.

This is a great way of describing what they do. Mine also had particular times of the year when he would dump me. Like many people he got restless in autumn and spring, but unlike normal people, he'd dump me and go looking for a better woman around those times. He also flipped out in August, around the time of his birthday. We broke up or had a major incident almost every year in August. The idea that he was getting older made him severely depressed, and I think he held me somehow responsible for it! He also weaseled his way back into my life using email, by leaving things at my house, and using pity and mutual friends. I wouldn't put anything past him. Sadly I am now suspicious of all our mutual friends, thinking they might be "working" for my ex. His favorite catchword for dumping me was "incompatible" and he would also claim I lacked passion. However, he would still want to have sex. I made a list once of all the qualities he claimed I lacked and it was very long and quite contradictory. But he adored the word "incompatible" the most because 1) it made me livid and 2) I could not refute it. Just try coming up with an argument to prove to someone else that you are compatible with them. It can't be done; they will always find something about which you don't agree. And here is the kicker: we actually were compatible. Not that I would ever want to be with this man again, heaven forbid, but we did have many similar interests and a similar sense of humor, etc etc. I sense what the first poster stated so well: he got uncomfortable with the level of closeness. That was what was so weird about it. Please do not misinterpret my statements as a wish to be back with the narcissist--I do not, and I currently don't speak to him at all. I just want to say that it was weird how we could enjoy so many similar things and have such a good time--and it was right at that point that he'd suddenly decide we were incompatible, and he needed to leave. Bizarro world relationship--narcissists do the exact opposite of what a normal person would do. Ah well. Thank God he's out of my life.

new answer- You said so good what i tried to say but i didnt know how --when they reach the best point in a relationship were most people only dream of they leave and destroy it all!