How do you deal with a narcissist who has just walked out on a devoted spouse and doesn't acknowledge the pain he is causing and is annoyed that the spouse left behind is devastated and hurt?

Answer 1

i see many of the responses are women who have had the husband leave well mine is the opposite and i am having a hard time dealing or understanding how you can love someone unconditionally and all you want is to grow old and never touch another women in your life how 4 weeks before your wife can give you a valentines card telling you to read the card twice because it says so much she wanted to say how she loves me and we have been through so many good times and yes some rough times but we have made it how she loves me and wants to be with me the rest of our lives, how a week or 2 before she decided to leave we talk about the life insurance policy i got because if something happened to me i do not want to die with worrying about her where she's going to live, how to pay the mortgage everything i just wanted to take care of her i will tell her all the time when she would get depressed and say she was heavy (she is a spin instructor & body toning) i would always tell her how good she looked but i would also say hun if you gain 50lbs, lose an arm, career, eye sight i will just love you more and i always let her know that i did 95% of the cooking, took care of the yard, always made sure her car was cleaned off if it snowed helped with the house & wash i even left her the rub off cards every weekend spread out in the bathroom for her when she woke up i am a good looking man with a good job and i would never cheat even when we went through a time of 6 months when nothing happened that's my wife i only wanted her and i thought the same but here is the point i surprised her and took her to Vegas for her birthday and our 10 year anniversary we were off the plane 3 hours and she told me she was leaving me the next day she wanted to hang out hold hands but when we got home every night (9) she would go out come home around 11 or 12 then she moved completely out and within 2 weeks she calls and says hey i do not want you to hear it from someone but i have been going out with an old friend but we just met after i left i was upset and said you're my wife you told me you needed space and time to work on you and now you're with someone she said to me in a calm manner why are you mad i did not have sex yet this is a women who 4 weeks ago had me read a card twice this is the same women who asked if we were going to the beach (Virginia) this summer and let's plan a trip with our friends to New Orleans this is also someone who has been in my son's life since he was 1 year old and yes my son lives with me and now he is 12 and all she said until today 6 weeks later was hi and good by and today she calls and says i just want you to know i miss you to him am i missing something this is a women who i miss more then anything in the world who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and take care of this is a woman who when i met her she had $14,000.00 in debt on a credit card and i was buying a house and i told her do not pay anything when you move in (mortgage, gas, electric, phone, cable etc.) pay the card off from a previous marriage and not only did she do it in 2 years but she bought the first new car she has ever owned and not a used, she had a $ 5,000.00 eye surgery to not wear glasses and now how a nice little savings $8,000.00 this is a women who we went on a nice trip every year and to the beach as well but i do not know who she is she is cold - unemotional towards me and my (our) son but she is already dating but i should not be upset how do you move on i hat 10pm after my son goes asleep it's boring and i miss her i use to talk to her 5 or 6 times on the phone every day e-mails etc. First item is to adjust your thinking process. I am accepting the knowledge that we CANNOT "deal" with the narcissist. The fact that they will not acknowledge the pain is a trait of Narcissism.

The best thing you can do is help yourself. Deal with one day at a time. If at all possible do not allow the narcissist to see the devastation and hurt. From all that I am learning it is the indifference that will most get to the narcissist. Try as best you can, and trust me I KNOW how difficult it is, but try not to show any emotion either way, happy or sad. Although that may go against the person you are I honestly believe it is the best way to go.

Believe that no matter what happens, no matter if he finds another who will supply him with what he needs, he will toss that person aside with indifference also. It is NOT you. Do not allow yourself to even begin thinking "I wasn't good enough" etc. It is them. They simply are not capable of empathy. Try not to blame the spouse, if you must put blame somewhere - blame "IT" the disease that narcissism is.

Allow yourself to feel and experience all the emotions of grieving but do NOT allow the narcissist to know you are feeling. It will only fuel their disease.

Take care of yourself. Scream, cry, beat a pillow, continue posting, just do not allow him to know it matters because in the end, it will not matter to him.

Best wishes for a healthy healing process. Michele2042

THANK YOU so much for your reply. I appreciate the support and encouragement. Your comments validated my finally emerging realization that this is HIS issue (even though the complete devastation of my world is the collateral damage). Others have commented that it appears that he resents me for "something"....everything. Have others experienced this??

I've cried, screamed, beat pillows and had arguments with him (when he was not present) so many times just trying to figure out how I failed so miserably. He has blamed me for so many petty things (eating late, paper on the table, a comment I made to someone 10 years ago that he has interpreted 180 degrees out of the way it was meant,etc, etc). I am not perfect but I am a devoted, loyal, loving spouse who loved him unconditionally but based on what has happened, my standard for what is a "divorceable" offense is so very confused. I am a 48 year old career professional with an enviable education (multiple degrees). He is a high-school drop out who has worked himself up the ladder to a very respectable leadership position(of which he is quite proud) Of recent, he has developed a heart condition, been on a cocktail of meds, and under extreme stress but of course in his mind, these things have nothing to do with his decision. I had no idea I was making him so awfully miserable nor that we "were having problems" until he told me he was leaving. My job took me out of the country for 12 months, a decision that he encouraged to prepare us for his retirement. I was fully prepared to seek employment elsewhere to avoid this move however we talked about it and he was a strong advocate for what it would mean to us for the future. (Honestly don't believe the girlfriend existed at this time) (While I was gone, he started improvements to our home, and had others assisting him in preparing a big surprise for me upon my return) Even Two months previous to the "I'm not happy" announcement we were making plans for the future, we bought a piece of property he has wanted for 7 years, he told me he not only "loved me" but was "in love" with me also and so on.

There is one aspect of this that causes me concern from an organic basis and I would really like to hear your (and possibly other's)opinion He has exhibited bizarre mood changes, and said and did things that are TOTALLY out of character for him, so much so that it almost appears that another person has shown up for that brief moment. He is 58 and there is a 37 year old girlfriend who magically "appeared" the day after he moved out. He has always maintained a professional demeanor but has now exposed his whole office (95% of which are friends of mine) to his relationship with her. He flaunts it in the work center (which has caused discomfort to others)as if he is trying to prove he is still 25. This is totally out of character for him. However Of more concern is his unusual behavior (odd, out of place comments having nothing to do with the conversation at hand, DRAMATIC personae changes in the middle of a conversation, bizarre actions, verbal aggression which I had never seen before, and he actually came at me, in response to something I said with his fist cocked back to hit me (he didn't strike me). This in itself is absolutely bizarre as he has never lifted a finger to me or any other women (previous wives)The issue of NEVER striking a woman was part of his core beliefs. Others on the outside of this sojourn through hell, have commented on these things also. There is a history of mental instability on his mother's side but I do not know all the details. I realize that at this time, I can only help myself and I have taken actions (counseling) to help me cope, but I am still concerned for him as I cannot just turn the feelings of caring off.

Thank you in advance to those of you who respond to this. I appreciate your comments and the sharing of your experiences which help put this into perspective for me. ==to Michelle and 69133104149 wow this site is truly amazing! the above story is almost identical to mine! i could hardly believe my eyes when i read it. i am am 51 ,he is 52. a 6 year common law relationship. he earns a very good income. i have a good job as well. started acting very distant. people said there must be another woman. he repeatedly denied it.forced me out of the relationship and our house right at Christmas.(said he did feel bad about that, but has never apologized about anything!)he was like an immature bully! a side i had never seen before.became extremely emotionally distant and abusive. i asked him who he was, it was like someone had taken over his body and mind. it was terrifying! i went into complete shock and denial, the only way i could cope with it all.i truly loved this man. we had broken up our marriages to be together again after 25 years. i thought we were together for the rest of our lives! the day he told me he wanted out Nov.20th, was the day i asked him to go on another cruise with me, because that was the only trip he ever really enjoyed. i even said i would pay for it. then he decided to tell me. actually ,his words were," let me think about it" and i knew right away something was wrong. the reason i am telling you about the cruise is that he just went on one the week of Easter with the "new" younger girlfriend that mysteriously appeared on the scene. he was either seeing her before we broke up, or he already had her lined up. he owns his own business and sees an endless source of single and divorced women every day. the pain for me was something i have never experienced in my life. i had only found out a week before that he was already "dating" and the following week he was already on a cruise. i honestly was so hurt i thought i was going to be physically sick right there. i could not process that someone who had told me he still loved me in November and was still making love to me after Jan. 1st had done something so insensitive and opposite to who i thought he was! it just did not make any sense to me.i was just coming out of the fog of our breakup and then i found this out, so it was like i went through everything all over again, only MORE painful. then my sister , who is a psychiatric nurse, said to me " he doesn't feel any remorse because he is not capable of those feelings. and he does not want commitment". she told me to go online and check out personality disorders. BINGO! i was in a very, very deep depression, but when i found out other women's stories and realized that i could finally have some sort of reason to grasp onto it started to heal me. i had no idea what a narcissist was! he fit it to a tee, along with some borderline PD.you think you know a person so well and you truly loved them , and then its like jekyll and hyde. he has the sweetest , nicest personality to everyone else but its all PHONY! he NEVER showed this side of himself to me until we were breaking up. then all hell broke loose because he knew the jig was up and did not have to hide anything anymore.i am still going through some disbelief in how he turned on me and looked at me like I was the evil one, but i believe i have turned a corner and i am starting to realize how i lost myself. by the way , i was nowhere close to this only 3 weeks ago. so, when people tell you it will get better and you do not believe them take heart! it will. i promise you. i did massive amounts of online searching and got some great books from the library. a good one is called "when you love a man who loves himself" by w.Keith Campbell. it is fantastic and answers all those unanswered questions you have . do yourselves a favor by reading this book! we all have something in common now, even though we don't know each other. we have all been victims of a narcissist. now that you know what one is and how evil they are, it is your responsibility to watch out for the red flags and make sure you are not a co-dependent.if you are then you will have to work out those issues like everything else, but i guess that's what this whole journey is about. i have been changed forever by this relationship, but my friends keep telling me that every thing happens for a reason. i have to believe that. take good care of yourselves in every way.