How do you get an abuser to recognize the abuse for what it is?

Answer 1

Abusers rarely change, and they can never be forced to change. An abuser will only recognize that they have a problem when they are ready. Trying to force this change will only succeed in making the abuser angry, and possibly even delay the process. Realizing that you are an abuser is very humbling, and so this is a step which has to be taken by the abuser, though support always helps too.

Some personal experiences;

• I think the bottom line is recognizing that no one method will work for everyone. Every individual is who they are because of their own traits, upbringing, experiences, etc. I've been on both sides of the coin. My mother was typical of many of the things I've read here - I could do no right, wasn't allowed to have an opinion, never afforded space or privacy, silent treatment, verbal and physical assaults were her "right" because of how I "behaved," and then of course the denial that she did any of it after. I took those behaviors with me into my relationships. I abused a man through manipulation and control for 7 years until he finally had enough and left me. Did I know I was doing it? Yes and no. There were many times after my rages would finally settle that I would sit and think, "This is not a healthy reaction - what is wrong with me?" - and I would feel guilty (as I should have) - but as quickly as that thought came, I went to work convincing myself that he deserved it because of this or that, and that I was justified in my explosions because of this or that. We are masters at convincing ourselves of our own lies. And because he stayed, it reinforced my belief that what I was doing was normal and okay. It is very hard to recognize - for me, I was insecure, had gone through that abuse as a child/teen/adult from my mother, so it was my "normality." Any attempt to tell me I was the unhealthy one was all it took to ignite my defense mechanisms. For a lot of us who have abused/do abuse, our anger is near impenetrable. In my case, I didn't recognize it because of the hurt I caused him - I only recognized it is because the last year of our relationship, the tables turned and he treated me exactly as I had treated him. I don't blame him at all- after taking my abuse for so long - I can't believe it didn't happen sooner. But the point is, it took a long, sustained period of being on the other end for me to realize it - and then to be left on top of it, and be left with an upside down world wondering what the heck just happened. I still went through the initial phase of blaming him for everything - but in the end, he had left, and all I had were my own demons to face. I am fortunate that I decided to because not everyone does. Someone mentioned earlier that it is very humbling to recognize that you are an abuser - I would call it debilitating - to have spent so long having convinced yourself you were the victim, just to finally know within yourself YOU were the abuser. I was deeply ashamed and regretful that I had caused someone else so much suffering - and in my case, it was easy to want to change after I realized I was "that" person. However, the behaviors are deeply rooted and I agree with the sentiment here that those take time and proactive practice. Some people will want to and will succeed, others will find it to be "too much work." But it is possible. It has been well over a year for me and I barely recognize myself today from the angry, depressed person I was. Life is a lot more enjoyable. For the first time I find myself genuinely interested in others' feelings and while it is not yet second nature, I find my prior habit of lashing out in anger has been replaced with wanting to understand what the other person is thinking/feeling, and talk about it with empathy and concern and without the blame game. Whether you stay with your abuser or not, only you can decide, because no two relationships work the same way- different things keep us in our relationships. I can honestly say I don't think I would have recognized it if I hadn't been left, but that isn't the case for everyone. You've just got to trust your instincts and really listen to your inner voice - it is there to protect you.
• Abusers rarely change, and they can never be forced to change. An abuser will only recognize that they have a problem, when they are ready. Trying to force this change will only succeed in making the abuser angry, and possibly even delaying the process. Realizing that you are an abuser is very humbling, and so this is a step which has to be taken by the abuser, but support always helps too.

• After finally coming to my senses. I dumped him. I finally saw the light. I saw that no matter what I did, the abuse would ALWAYS return. There is no hope for these people really. They may go to counseling but they are master manipulators and just use that as an avenue to further con and lie. They will promise change, act sweet, realize what they had, BUT these are all for the sake of appearances. They just want to draw you back in their web and wear you down. The best thing you can do is not worry what's good for him. Take charge of your life and happiness. I finally got to the point where I said enough is enough. I also think the only way to clear your mind and let go is no contact. After many of his calls I finally told him go away!!!!!

• Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place - or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror".

They will often use sentences like the following, to try and lay the guilt on you:

"What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse"

• Always remember, the only person you have any control over is yourself, and the only person you can ever change is yourself. Abusers basically hate themselves and must justify their behavior in order to make any sense of their lives -- so, they will either deny, justify, or apologize for their behavior in order to gain the control they desperately need (abuse is ultimately ALL about control). But the behavior will never change unless they hit a bottom, and the only way anyone will ever hit a bottom is by suffering the consequences of their behavior. In short, you must leave them -- otherwise you will simply continue to enable the behavior, and change will never come about.
• The best thing to do is to find someone you can trust, tell them about the abuse, and get help getting away! Some abusers can be very dangerous! If I didn't get away from my ex-husband when I did, I know he would have eventually killed me. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER try to do what he/she does to you to show them they are wrong. That is dangerous and pointless and will only make them angrier. Just get away. You cannot change an abuser! Abusive people have a problem in their personality and it would take years of counseling for them to ever even maybe change. It's not worth risking your life. JUST GET AWAY!
• Separate from each other. seek independent counseling. acknowledge that since separating there are no more incidents.

• I am 8 yrs into this now, abused just last night. I sit here alone in his house, with those overwhelming feelings of sadness, frustration, and loss. I was looking on the internet for self help stuff when i found these answers. I don't know where to turn. I come from a cold upbringing, a childhood parent of two, divorced by 20, and met my ultimate abuser yet. I feel like i am a magnet, as i get older, the relationships get hard, more violent,more verbal abuse. Everyone tells me i am gorgeous, don't even look like i have ever had kids, shoulda been a model yadi yadi, but what does that matter, i have such a hard time smiling. I see it getting worse. he tells me he hates me, calls me a c**t, and how proud he is that he didn't choke me for real. I know the best thing is to leave, and i am dependant on him, he has turned me into this weak, crying girl, with no more self confidence. I tell myself i am strong, but its not true. so what is this girl to do? Everyone's right. all of these answers. if you can get out do it. run as fast as you can. don't look back. don't regret leaving. love doesn't hurt people, love heals people. i hope one day i find some healing in this world.
• Believe what he says and does. Leaving is a very tough thing to do, but when you look back in a couple of years, it will seem easy, compared to where you are now. So, if confidence is lacking, "act as if" you have it. Make a plan: [without his knowing!] Get advice and follow it without saying "but...". One small step after another and you will be in your new, safe life. You will find what you need, and none of it is what you have now.
• I don't think you can. I started mirroring her behaviour and all I got was comments as to how screwed up I was! Tell them goodbye and hang up. It's such a waste of time.
• Some of the answers here are the reasons abusers do not seek help. The way I recognized it was after talking with my wife for a very long time (fight) I researched what an abuser was. If the put my name in the beginning of the description then it would have sounded like my life story. The point is is that the abuser has to be willing to accept it. They have to have an open mind and only then want to seek help after they have accepted it. It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.
• When the abuser no longer gains the CONTROL they so desperately need because you have become tougher, they will escalate their method. It creeps up slowly and you are convinced you are to blame. You have been very isolated from friends by this time and believe what he says. I wised up because I took a communication class at college for my work. We were on the topic of abuse and she said she had been there and a book that helped her realize it was called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans That book opened my eyes. I thought abuse was being beaten bloody, not just grabbed by the arm and thrown down and threatened to be killed. I thought (really) that if I just did such and such better, he wouldn't get so mad at me. They will not change. He promised and said he was sorry, went to counseling (court ordered) and I believe he actually tried hard, but it is "hard-wired". He was taught that as a young boy from his upbringing. When we tell boys to stop crying and be a man, we are telling them that to have feelings or emotion is wrong. They try to get control and can only ride over those feeling to gain control by expressing anger. Any time their feeling side comes up, they are trained since boys to override that with anger to gain the control over the feelings. Most often their dad was abusive to the mom or very harsh and abusive with the children as well. Abusive people are rigid, secretive, harsh and have difficulty showing feelings. The weight of the world lifted off me when I got him out---but it was the most terrifying time of my life. I left town for 2 weeks---until his anger subsided. I had a restraining order. He was the type to get over his anger quickly, fortunately. The only thing to do is make plans to get out.
• An Abuser will NEVER recognize his or her abuse. This is one of the main defining elements of an abuser. Let me add that there are people who have trouble controlling their anger ONCE IN A WHILE and are able to eventually recognize this and correct their behavior in time - BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT BY DEFINITION ABUSERS. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS PERSON AND AN ABUSER IS THAT THE ABUSER CANNOT OR WILL NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR - AND- MOST IMPORTANTLY - AN ABUSER ENGAGES IN THESE HIGH LEVELS OF LACK OF SELF CONTROL REGULARLY - NOT ONCE OR TWICE.

By definition, an abuser does not recognize their behavior as being abusive. When challenged on this they engage in the following behaviors:

- DENIAL The abuser denies the abuse. They may say that the incident never occurred, that you are blowing things out of proportion, that you do not see the incident as it really occurred. They may even accuse you of being too mentally ill to recognize reality. They might say that you are in a "different world". Sometimes, as ammunition in this denial process, the abuser will bring up third parties who believe that he is the best thing since sliced bread to prove his point. The truth is that it is the ABUSER who is in another world. All attempts at being him or her back to this one are fruitless - they have created this world for themselves because without it - they are nothing - and they will not give it up for anything.

-FINGER-POINTING An abuser always shifts blame for his or her actions and behaviors to the victim of their abuse. This goes along with this little world they have created in which everyone else in the world is wrong - but themselves. Therefore, they make themselves believe that their behavior is completely justified - "if you have not set me off in the first place..." "If you would have just kept your mouth shut..." If you confront an abuser about his or her behavior you will always be the sole reason for that behavior.

- MANIPULATION In the beginnings of abuse - there are times that the abuser will manipulate his or her target with phony sorrow, empty promises of change, and even a period of affection, attention, gifts, and other tangible offerings. This is called the "Honeymoon Phase" in the cycle of abuse and it is the abuser's attempts to re-gain trust and control. But once that has been regained - at the first opportunity of vulnerability - the abuser attacks - bringing the cycle back to where it was before.

No one can change someone else's behavior because we all have a free will. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO MAKE A BLIND MAN SEE THAN IT IS THE MAKE AN ABUSER TO RECOGNIZE AND CHANGE THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

• Oftentimes, an abuser is so far gone that they cannot ever accept the idea that they mistreat. And oftentimes, an abuser knows she/he is being hurtful and cruel. Especially if they are an adult, they should know better.

If you are a child or teen, and someone from your family abuses you, tell someone outside the family, like a teacher or friend, and if you can, a police officer. Try the police nonemergency number, which gets you in contact with the police station.

Most times, DO NOT expect the abuser to change. If you are married to the person, move out ASAP, with the help of domestic violence groups such as RAINN. You deserve respect and love everyday.

• Leaving the abuser is a start. I was an abuser up until 4 weeks ago. In a fight [verbal]as they had been for years my wife crying looked me straight in the eye's said why do you do this, I said I do not know....She than with tears in her eye's said You make me feel like I'm in trouble. Those words made me drop to my knees instantly,she had never said that. I had feelings and memories of all our fights racing through my head. For the first time in my life I understood what was happening. I never felt worse in my life.It was a different feeling than I had ever had. over the next couple weeks I saw every bad relationship and I saw how I had abused every woman everyone.Today I live with those pictures in my head and have a new hart,I have been feeling emence feelings,feelings never felt before.I understood what I had been doing for 39 years. I could only say to myself what the hell was I thinking. before I had done any research I told my wife that I could see that I was in denial and for some reason I cant explain why I ever thought that behavior was ok. To me now everything I had done to every woman I was with was just terrible. I can not believe that I could have done this for so long and never see how abusive it was.We are divorced but I have helped with the moving out money child support and for the first time in my life I understand that it is my fault and my actions that have caused all the upset to our family. I know that this was an act of god and this was meant to be.I am recovering alcoholic 6 years, bipolar and ADD. She had made it through the drinking than unmedicated bipolar and ADD WOW what a woman. I can only be grateful today she said those words and left for if she hadn't I may never have understood and been able to turn my life around and work towards being more normal or at least not an abuser. It has only been 4 weeks but I have never had more sorrow for the woman I have abused. I have made amends to an ex-wife before this one and on ex girlfriend that I could find as well as my wife's friends and family.I have never felt better about seeing things the same as everyone else did..[abusive] I guess there is always hope that we [abusers] can come out of denial and get help and change for real. My hole life has been changed and everyday is new and bright,I enjoy having more energy and time for nice things. Being abusive was a hard and time consuming job.
• It takes years for an abuser to amend behavior after recognizing the behavior, because it is so pervasive in life patterns. They need to relearn how to handle the frustrations, etc. in relationships. And this is not a 4 week journey. See the comment under MANIPULATION and DENIAL.
• The "leave the abuser" seems to be the way to go. My sister has filed for divorce to get out of her situation (psych abuse). However, under current law in our state, neither party has to move out until the divorce is settled, so he is not going anywhere. She would move out in a minute, but has two young children that she obviously won't leave. The kids, btw, are also experiencing incredible levels of mental abuse. Finalizing the divorce is a long way off due to his tactics, and the abuse continues and escalates for all of them. Any experience/suggestions to share besides introducing his face to my fist?
• It is easier to move out of state before a divorce, since it is your right to take your children where you wish. As I found, once I had the divorce, there was a 100 mile limitation. She should consider that she cannot afford the house and move on to something she can afford with her income. The kids need to be moved ASAP and get counseling so this "abusive flu" does not flow to the next generation. She can rent and separate her affairs(there are post office boxes, codes to put onto utilities, etc.) and that should eliminate a lot of his control tactics and give her and the kids a safe place to live now--size doesn't matter. I made the plan and succeeded 10 years ago--I rented a storage unit and began moving my personal stuff there while he was at work and he never noticed. Leave the man and the house. Life is short
• Abusers rarely if ever take responsibility for the way that they treat others, instead project it on to the victims of the abuse, it is all about, control and manipulation. they say they are sorry, then you may think they have insight, however the pattern continues, and will continue to do so, even after you leave them , they will move on to another person, until they too see their true colours and hopefully move on too. abusers never change. unfortunately it is a pattern that they follow and will continue to repeat.

• My experience is---never.....I was married to an abuser (verbal and some physical) for.....THIRTY-ONE years; finally got a divorce. Abusers have something called a Personality Disorder; it is an all-pervasive...part of their character, rarely, if ever....can they change. I divorced him and then let him live in the house afterwards, because he made some changes.....Abuse IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. He has been with me for 3 years, now (I don't like to jump into anything, LOL), and I am working on myself, to tell him to leave. Because I got a divorce, my church family of 31 years voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen followed by the words: Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God....that is another story; the result: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...I had never heard of spiritual abuse until it happened to me. I fought the system for 18 months, to try and stop the pastor (of disaster, LOL) from "counseling" any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide. Waited 2 years and wrote the pastor, requesting reimbursement for what I had to spend in therapy because of spiritual abuse....I've also been published: (amazing, since I am a layperson) www.psychiatricjournal.com...entitled; The Transcendent Child on overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse...by Alice Carleton......I invite you to read both sites, and love to hear whatever you have to say. I wish I had found the book 25 years ago---that saved my sanity (more or less) ..I believe this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...I am also writing a paper about verbal abuse, in that it is the last, best-kept secret in the Universe...Hugs and Love to you all!
• Hello,I'm not sure if my b/f of 5 years is abusive or not. I have ran from my mother's unmentionable actions for 21 years. In a disagreement with my b/f he will refer to me as "Pam" my mother, knowing how much it hurts me. He has hit me once, where I needed stitches on my forehead, he head bunted me. He did apologize and never hit me again. Up till that point he had pushed, shoved, or held on extremely tightly to my wrist or waist. Now he will throw things, slam doors, hit his car, his pillows, etc. He loses his temper extremely quick. I wouldn't have even raised my voice, and he will have already lost his temper and started to hit things. I feel like he always belittles me, name calls, and does these things knowing it will heat up a argument more than what the argument is at, and to be hurtful. I have tried mirroring his actions, and he calls me "physco" when I do that. So I stopped. I've tried not helping him out of money situation he put himself in. I've called the police. He always denies what he is doing as abusive, and says he never has except the one time he hit me, which he did apologize for. As far as the hitting other things, he in my opinion justifies it by saying you did this. You know how easy I get mad, and you keep pushing me till I get to this point, I shouldn't have to... la la la. I feel like no matter what I do, he should NEVER reach that point. But the longer this relationship gets, the more I do not want to leave him, and the more I think I can change him, although I do it see everything getting worse. I don't know why. I don't want to leave him, I do want to help him, but I don't know what else to do? I've also mentioned to him, getting some help, if its a program, or what ever it takes, and he says I will when I have the money, or I'm broke right now and you know we can't afford that, or something along those lines.

• The question is not how the question is when? When will an abuser be able to fully become aware of the abuse? The only option I can advise is counseling. I have heard that this may not work, then I would suggest that the abused individual find a home for battered persons far away. When the abuser comes to term with his/her problem, then it is possible to have further contact with that person.
• I'm a 22 year old women who is currently going through a violent relationship. After knowing the guy 1 year as a friend he confessed he liked me, so together we made a decision to give it a go, day by day i noticed small backstabbing comments he used to make to me, i tried to take no notice and ignore it, but now it has gotten to a point where i am scared to say anything as he will edit my words, correct me all the time, pick on me for how i dress, talk, say things and sarcastically says " hello Happy" as if he is trying to make me unhappy, this will occur a few times a day. Then he will sit there and stare at me and say "whats your problem" - it isn't me with the problem i just don't no what to say or how to because whatever i do or say is wrong. Its got to the point now where i am scared to say or do anything as he will say some comment to me and shout at me that much i end up in tears, he then takes no notice of me and tells me to flake off, i really cannot take anymore abuse from him and i want to leave him but in scared as he has already told me to leave, but then said if i go hell make me pay for it and i will regret it.

  TO THE PERSON ABOVE ME, A FEMALE OF 22 YEARS OLD:

• RUN! I'm 22 and you just described last year of my life ....a few weeks ago, I decided to leave him. Woke him up and told him about it ....He then run after me, and broke my wrist....You don't EVER want know how it feels when someone is manually breaking your wrist....I can't thank GOD enough for it not being my neck .... Please , Listen to what I say, LEAVE , and never return his calls ever again

• First - if you are abused, regardless of your gender or orientation - see someone who specializes in domestic violence. Every town has at least one agency dedicated to domestic violence. Leaving is a very dangerous situation. You need someone to help you put together a safety plan.

As for the abuser - let's look at it this way. If the abuser punched a stranger in the face, what would happen to the abuser? Assault charges correct?

Why should anything be different if you're in an intimate relationship. Domestic Violence is a crime and should be treated as such. Those who abuse CHOOSE to abuse. They are well aware of what they are doing. Abusers are good at manipulating, playing the victim and blaming their behavior on you, their childhood or their general life. None of it is true.

They should be dealt with by the police & the prison system like any other criminal. They can have all the therapeutic interventions in the world, but the rates are very high for abusers to "fall back" on old behaviors. Take no excuse for their behavior. It's wrong, it's against the law & they are somewhere near the bottom of the pile when it comes to criminals.

• I know from experience there is no way to get them to get out of denial. But I feel so hopeless looking over all these comments that say, "Just leave him!" In other ways, my boyfriend is nice at times...but then he just turns into this raging wife-beater once he gets "sent over the edge." It's usually when I confront him with a problem, and he doesn't know how to respond. I feel so hopeless. I've even told him he needs help, but he denies it. In other ways he is so wonderful...I just wish he would get help. I love him.
• "Several men expressed their limited ability to verbally engage and debate with their partners," wrote lead researcher J. Williams Oliver. "These men felt overwhelmed by their partner's verbal skills." As a result, these men turned to violence "as the only recourse available to get control of the situation.'"
• I totally disagree with the mirroring method. I treat my partner the way I want to be treated. I lead by example. We are all teachers here. Has this stopped his emotional abuse? Not yet, but I believe there is HOPE for anyone who has the willingness to change. I have seen some improvement, because I call him on his behavior and tell him it is not OK for him to control, manipulate, or criticize me or whatever behavior he is displaying. This is very important to do early in a relationship because you are setting precedence for how the relationship will be in the future. I set boundaries and live in my reality and not his. I tell him of my personal wants and needs as well as my wants and needs from our relationship. At first he was not OK with me taking care of myself, because he thought it was his job to take care/fix me and to make me happy and it has taken sometime for him to adjust to getting nailed on his behavior, but oh well! I see improvement, yeah! Let them know it is not OK to be treated badly, no matter how hard it is. It gets easier the more you do it.
• The majority of abusers fully recognize they are abusive. The problem is they don't care or else they would value you as a human being worthy of being treated with dignity. Abusers abuse because it makes them feel better and your feelings are not a part of the equation. Eventually all deeds bear fruit, abusers do in fact get pay back in the end. So leave them to wallow in their own madness and free your self to enjoy your life and live fully.
• well what i have found helpful is recording the person on video tape or on cassette tape and when it gets bad let the person hear or watch them selves.then explain why you did it. because you love them so much and care for them but you don't like what they do and you wanted them to see it first hand.etc.......
• The real question is why would you want an abuser? They know exactly what they are doing and most of their maneuvers are well thought out plans to destroy you. It is thrilling for them. They love the power. They don't care about you in any way.
• Getting an abuser to recognize he/she is abusive depends on what is really behind the abuse. Some people may be primarily immature.

However, IF the abuser's real problem is a personality order, such as "anti-social personality disorder" (ASPD) then you're on a hiding to nothing. Such people cannot "own" their actions and project such things on to those around them. For example, if they are aggressive and violent, they usually claim that *they* are peaceful and that *those around them* are violent. Everything gets turned upside down and inside out. If you are unwise enough to try to teach them a lesson, they will at best claim you are persecuting them. Get out of the relationship! Personality disorders are incurable. Often what "powers" such people is rage. Never have dealings with people who are just downright evil.

• "You" can never get the abuser to recognize the abuse for what it is - ony the abuser can do that. All you can do if you are being abused is to help yourself by finding a support system and by making sure that you and your children (if any) are in a safe situation.
• Below are some quotes from above that hold true and make a lot of sense....

Some of the answers here are the reasons abusers do not seek help. The way I recognized it was after talking with my wife for a very long time (fight) I researched what an abuser was. The point is is that the abuser has to be willing to accept it. They have to have an open mind and only then want to seek help after they have accepted it. It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS PERSON AND AN ABUSER IS THAT THE ABUSER CANNOT OR WILL NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR - AND- MOST IMPORTANTLY - AN ABUSER ENGAGES IN THESE HIGH LEVELS OF LACK OF SELF CONTROL REGULARLY.

But the behavior will never change unless they hit a bottom, and the only way anyone will ever hit a bottom is by suffering the consequences of their behavior.

• I see that the bottom line in a lot of the reading I have been doing is that if an abuser or someone who has failed to act properly is shown their wrong ways, they can change. It takes a strong person to confront someone they believe is an abuser, and you must give respect and credit to that person. Whether you are an abuser or someone who got angry to easily, if you are mature enough and willing to see your faults YOU CAN CHANGE! I would venture to say that those, whose first reaction is to run away, may be over-analyzing things. Again, this is just an idea I have gathered from the reading and by no means degrading what someone feels. And by running away, they may have lost an opportunity for something better by not confronting it. Now, if someone is hitting you, then by all means get out, there is no reason to stay at that point, and in fact you should report it to the authorities. Now, if someone is possibly abusing you by words or deeds, the mere fact of approaching them and letting them know may be all it takes. You may have to tell them more than once...but once that person has hit rock bottom (like mentioned above) the world will crash around them and they have no choice but to change or continue to live alone. If the "suffering of consequences" is strong enough, then the change is greater. Let's put it this way...if you start up a stove and touch it, it will start to feel hot, then a few seconds later you touch it again, it's getting hotter so you take your hand away quicker...but once that stove goes red hot and you still touch it because earlier it was not that bad, what happens? Your hand sticks to it, you get 2nd/3rd degree burns and have to see a doctor! Now are you going to do that again? Anyone with a lick of sense would not even think about it. You suffered serious consequences and saw what happened. I know that some will say that this is not the same and you are right, what person with any common sense would do that? Well, it happens, I am sure we all know some child who has done this and learned the lesson the hard way. But did we abandon that child? No, we talked to them and explained that it was wrong and if they continue, the same thing will happen again. Well, sometimes we, as adults, are those children. And we need that special person to put it in perspective to us, and once we see it for what it is, we do the changing so we don't "burn" again. Again, this is a personal view and not meant to debase anyone's opinion.

So, yes, you can get an abuser to recognize their way and change. It happens...that is why people seek counseling, read, and self-analyze. They see what they have caused and make the effort to change for the good. Just like posted above..."It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.� If the changes take place then you benefit because you are now getting what you deserve, the respect and dignity you are owed by the person you once felt something good about.

DUMP THEM AND NEVER LOOK BACK, NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT MUCH!!!

- I don't agree with some these answers. There are instances where someone can change their abusive ways. It takes time and therapy, and if the abuser recognizes and resolves the issues they have within themselves, all is not lost. Will they regain the love and trust of their mate/spouse? That all depends on the other person. Some people can never get over the abuse. Some people can forgive and put the past behind them as long the abuser keeps up with the therapy and continues to show progress. Most verbal abuse can be based from a few things: abuse the abuser took as a child or even witnessed their parents doing so; low self-esteem; mental illness, etc... These things can be rectified by counseling and understanding by the abuser that they aren't thinking right. I'm not saying all abusers will change; some won't and you should get away from that person if the patterns continue. But anything can happen. Recognition and counseling is just the first step.

~I've been in a relationship or should I say an emotional rollercoaster for a couple months now with a guy who gradually demonstrated his abusive side. When I first met this guy he was all about showering me with compliments, flowers, gifts and favors...And this felt so good cuz I was just getting out of another controlling relationship. I saw no signs of abuse really toward me until about our second month of dating when he became enraged during an argument and started pushing me and squeezing me. Things escalated, police were called and he left with his things. I was actually admitted to the hospital because the next morning my neck felt as though I had suffered whiplash from the pushing and my dr admitted me to the hospital for xrays/Mri and a neck brace. Guess what I did? within 24 hrs I allowed this person who spent about 3 hours pushing me and calling me the worst names imaginable back into my life...Why? "Because I love him"...How lame is that? Since then I have found out that this person has a criminal past, has gotten me into legal trouble by affiliation, lies to me..constantly, sneaks my credit cards, takes money, borrows my car, takes steroids that turn him raging lunatic, just barely got a job after 3 months of being laid off, lives off me, does minimal things around the house, and continues this cycle where he gets mad becomes enraged, says awful hurtful things to me and about my mother and sister, threatens my life when I tell him he has to leave, threatens to kill my childrens father, oh, and I wouldn't want to leave it out how if the argument happens in a vehicle how scary that becomes... He does all this to me, leaves the house and then the phone calls and text messages begins with the "I am sorry's and then I love you's and please baby, please's" He even begs to see me and then becomes emotional with tears and the whole baby I am sorry I need you in my life and I need help with my anger and blah, blah, blah... And then stupid me....I believe him and then its good for the moment and then I start to see the fractures and the little tell tale signs that he's starting up again and then I brace myself for it. And I cant tell you why I hang on...I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be...I spend more time concerned about this relationship then living life, being a good mother to my kids, my job, my family, my friends and my well being. I walk through stores and I see other couples shopping and talking and normal and that's what I want... i just want to live a peaceful happy life because its our right to have and here I am messing around with this atomic bomb...and for what? I don't need him, I am attractive, I have a good job, I own a house and I have my own cars, so its not a monetary thing...Maybe its something inherit in us women where we want to fix them, You know be the one responsible for making these guys into better people, Sort of like mothering maybe...Its sort of a Co-Dependency I think. Here I am on what must be chance #15 and I promise, God willing and I have prayed about this, I will muster up the strength to put this man on the road and let him be somebody else's problem... All the morning coffee's, the I love you's, your the best thing that's ever happened to me and so on's and so forth's will not do it anymore, Life is to short for us to be doing this girls,(or guys) our lives or worth more than this...Its all just wasted time...and we have to move on and start experiencing how it feels to smile again.

I am 29 years old and I have endured living with my b/f for three and a half years. At first, he was very nice and loving to me and my family and I guess this is how it starts. Someone referred to it as the honeymoon phase and that term is exactly what it means, "a phase" because it soon ends. At first we would have petty arguments and he would say hurtful things about my family because he knows that really hurts me. Then it came to the point of constant name calling..names too degrading to repeat that would sink me into the deepest part of hurtfulness. He often beat me even when I was pregnant, he would even spit in my face (and this was worse that the beatings) because it made me feel like the lowest worthless person that he wanted me to feel like. He would threaten to kill me, bash my head on the wall and cut up all my clothes. I was so lost and confused with ZERO self esteem. After I had the baby he would call me a fat b***h in public and people would stare and I would cry but I never answered him even though I worked long tiring hours, took care of him and a baby, did all the housework, and did I mention I had to give him all my money. he never gave me anything really, maybe once a perfume but I did not care about that. He started hitting me in front of our daughter and she was less than two years old but understood it all and screamed in fear and I was too afraid to leave because he said he would kill me or my mother and kidnap the baby and I would never see her again and this is what I feared the most. AT ALL TIMES HE BLAMED ME and said I caused the fight or I pushed him to the edge. I kept it all from everyone . I would go to work like a zombie in space not knowing what will come next. The thing is I came from a good family and I dated guys before him but no one ever abused me verbally, physically or mentally and I did not know what to do because all my family lived in a different country. He loved to choke me whenever I had the courage to answer him or tell him he needed help. He said the cops and the court would never believe me because he knew the system more than I did. He loved to smash things and go in a rage. I later found out about his marijuana addiction that he hid from me..now I know where all my hard earned money went. I could not take it anymore and attempted suicide many times but could not go through with it because of the love for my daughter. I mustered the courage to tell my mom and she came and helped me get him out. He later started spreading nasty rumors about me that I was a wh*re and he left me because he found out. Now he is fighting me for our daughter. I left him about a year ago and he is still always around because he visits with our daughter but I wish I never had to see him. I have learnt that you need to open up to someone..do not keep what is happening to yourself. Even if you think he will kill you or you are too afraid..TELL SOMEONE who you trust and yes this is criminal action and should be treated as such. Do not stay for the kids sake because they will end up more screwed up individuals later in life. As women (or some men) we really love with all our hearts and we always want to find a way to make the abuser better, we try and try and get so exhausted and they keep getting worse and stronger and more evil and more in control. When I cried in pain..guess what HE LAUGHED AT ME! If you are reading this and you are in a similar relationship with verbal and physical abuse, please be strong and know you are a good person and deserve better. The people rarely change maybe with years of therapy and divine intervention but they have to want to and guess what THEY DON'T WANT TO..WHY? Because they live in denial and will never admit that they have a problem. don't waste time..choose to live a happy better life because one day you wake up and you are all banged up and ten years of your life (if you are still alive) has gone down the drain. Do not try to change these evil people. Do not hold onto false hopes and dreams because they fill your head with "I'm sorry" or "I love you's" or : I did not mean it"..it's all lies..Get out now!

Answer:

Jesus people wrote a lot here! You can't always get abusers to acknowledge or even recognize their abusive ways. They are probably already denying it on some level, and they can continue to deny it or justify it. You can't make them see it. Sorry :(

Answer: Asking that question positions you to be eating right out of his hand. YOU are abusing yourself by keeping that person in your life. YOU need to see it for what it is. Him getting you hooked into his psychological landscape asking those questions is HOW abusers keep people as muses and scapegoats. Cut an abuser out of your life. See it for what it is. Love yourself.

I have found that recognising the severity of the abuse my parents caused me and the emotional ramifications of this is helping me come out of denial and realise that i was was abused and i am an abuser. Right now i am fearful that my siblings are the same, but i need to believe in change.

Hey...I am "improving" not sure how to actually answer. THIS POST helped me SO MUCH! ...I love the last paragraph saying don't get hooked into his psychological landscape and be their scapegoats! This is exactly what they do...we become in a way their doormats and they walk all over us. I am NO LONGER one. DO not believe them...it is NOT your fault..it is THEIR FAULT. Run away please!

You don't, probably. It's too painful for them. Seems like they'll see it when they're ready.

Answer 2

This will take so time for him to realize. Try to reach his heart and let him see how his behavior hurt you and the family. Once he is in a position to emphasize with you, you can get him to realize his faults without you blaming him blatantly

Answer 3

Punch them in the face, if they still don't recognise it then rape their anus til it bleeds