How do you get over someone if you want them back?

Answer 1

There are many answers to this question, but they are all meaningless unless it is what you want. The way you phrase your question is very intelligent. Your situation is not just to get over someone, that part is easy. However, your situation is convincing yourself that you want to get over someone. As it stands now, you don't want to move on. You want to hold on to what you had. And believe me, this is the hardest part of a relationship. There is no easy, default answer to your question because the way to do it is unique to every person.

The closest I can come to giving you an answer is to give it time. Put distance between the person you are trying to get over and yourself. This is difficult because it is something that you do not want to do, but it is a must. You can remain friends with the person, but you have to get over them first. Otherwise they will make you miserable for quite a while.

My second recommendation is to open your mind to other possibilities. Again this is difficult because you have likely become comfortable with the original person. But think as logically as you can about the situation. What is really so different about the person you are trying to get over and a different person? What are you really missing out on? The truth, as much as we want to deny it, is that most people are very similar. This is a very hard thing to accept because the chemicals in our brain (which evolved for legitimate purposes) tell us differently. However, logic can definitely help us in this case. The brain chemicals exist to get you to stay with a person, so when mating happens and offspring are produced, the offspring have the highest chance of surviving and mating themselves. That is the sole purpose for the brain chemicals that make this process so difficult.

Now getting over this can be done in several ways. For some, just realizing this makes the acceptance of it possible. Others may choose to be vindictive about the situation. "These chemicals do NOT control me!" Still others may see choose to look at the situation purely scientifically. "It is interesting to see the way evolution has produced these reactions I feel." In the end, anything to distract you from dwelling on the feeling is good enough.

For the final step, I would suggest immersing yourself into something completely unrelated to relationships or the person you are getting over. This can be a job if you are interested in your work. It can be a hobby, although not one that will remind you constantly of said person. You can even pick up something new. Again, anything to distract yourself. Be careful in this step to not immerse yourself in this activity too deep that you cannot give it up later. Eventually, you'll want to come out of this process and not be miserable.

The key thing here is time. Switching back to a scientific look, there is very little difference between being in love and a drug addiction. The same changes in the brain occur. With a drug addiction, you just need to stay away from the drug, keep your mind off it, and wait. The urges and the feelings dissipate. I'll go back to what I said in the beginning about the phrasing of your question. Getting over someone is the easiest part of the process, it is convincing yourself that you want to that's so difficult. Just keep the end goal in mind: you want to be happy in a relationship again. Don't let this one spoil the rest of your romantic life. Distract yourself, give it time, manipulate your thoughts, and the feelings will pass.