If you and your narcissist ex have a child together how do you interact appropriately yet keep a solid distance so as not to get sucked back in?

Answer 1

I've been divorced from my "n" for over a year. I have a four year old girl and a two year old boy. The only thing you can do is to control the damage. don't give him any more time than what your custody agreement allows. Don't talk to him .That's the most important thing. keep your mouth shut!! I can't empasize that enough. Anything you volunteer is ammunition. no matter how innocent it may seem at the time. Have him pick up the kids at a neutral place such as a fast food restaurant. being in a public place should keep the abuse to a minimum. tell your kids goodbye, tell him what time to bring them back and get in your car and leave. shut the door in his face if you have to. I've done that many times. Document everything! When he's seen the kids, times that he's picked them up and dropped them off. Any time he calls tell him he can talk to the kids but you can't talk. you're busy. if he insists, hang up the phone! He'll probably call back several times, but ignore it. If he threatens to take you to court(and he will) tell him your documenting everything. you will also get a copy of the phone records to show a judge he is harrassing you. Always give the minimum time. if he pushes for more give a little. but only when it's convient for you. I give my "n" an extra hour on wednsday occasionally. Don't do it with regularity because he will expect it. Tell him you have plans with the kids. If asks what they are tell him it's none of his business and hang up. I'm guessing he doesn't tell you what he does with them. Most of all don't feel guilty. if he is brainwashing your kids(mine is) document every time they come back and how they acted, what was said etc. My daughter started saying her step-father kills little girls a year ago. Guess where that came from! If you see any signs of parental alienation(look it up on the internet) take them to a therapst who specializes in treating it. Tell him only after they have been seen enough times to build a case if he takes you to court. That should stop it. The only thing you can do really is see him for what he is and try to remember he isn't normal. good luck!

AnswerI agree with the above answer. I would add to remain confident and let him know you are not afraid of him. Stay focused on the children, their needs, what's best for them. Stay even in your voice, and never share any personal information - even about the children. When necessary, rage back and let him know he isn't going to talk to you like that and then hang up - dismissing them. Sometimes it's better to use their own words against them, causing them to get frustrated and to hang up.

Never trust him. NEVER, EVER. He will do anything, say anything to get what he wants. He doesn't care about you, the children, how his behavior harms, etc. One thing and one thing along motiviates him - that would be him.

He'll try to use guilt trips, let him know that won't work with facts as to why. You refused the visit, you had better things to do, your the perfect father, please tell me what we should do about this situation. Make them think and they'll back away. It requires too much of them and they aren't willing to commit that kind of time to anyone but themselves.

Document, document, document. Even better, if neglect and abuse are suspected, take the children to the doctor with unexplained injuries and state they were with their father over the weekend and he has no idea how the baby got that huge bump and bruise on their forehead. Getting outside sources to confirm your suspensions is most helpful, even a doctor to agree that the child needs to be evaulated for being under stress. Then go get your court order to have an evaluation done. Make sure you repeatedly state it's in the best interest of the children and that you'll even pay for it, because their welfare is so important to you. The N will likely drop the ball in the process for a number of reasons.

N's will try to aleignate the children. In our case they came home saying "I hate you". They don't know what that means, nor had they ever heard those words before. Their mother responded calmly with "I love you." They have been returned cussing, asking for beer, exhibiting horrible behavior, etc. She calmly responded "we don't say those words, we don't do those things in our home, etc." Never direct the fault to the N, that would be doing what he wants. Just counter him in a positive way as possible and document.

Good luck.