Is it appropriate to have opposite sex friends when you are married and your spouse has trust issues?
Answer:
It's fine to have friends of the oppposite sex, but make sure that they know/spend time with both you and your spouse. Don't have private chit chats or emails. If you hang out with this friend, invite your spouse and any signifigant other of your friend as well.
Be honest with your spouse that this is just a friend, that you want your spouse and your friend to know each other as well.
But, please, use common sense and be sensitive. Do not think you can remain friends with an ex-lover, and still earn your spouse's trust. This would be too much to ask. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with this. But only you know your spouse and the circumstances. Some people are secure enough to be able to trust their partner right away, others aren't for whatever reason.
I have always had many more male friends than female ones. When my husband and I were first married, I allowed myself to lose touch with two of the best friends I've ever had. It was my own choice, because I didn't want to cause my husband to feel threatened or like he couldn't trust me. And I regret that decision more than anything else I've ever done. But it was /my/ decision. If he had demanded or simply asked me to stop seeing them, I would have, but I most likely would have grown to resent him for making me choose between him and my friends. In retrospect, I realize that my husband would have gotten over any insecurity or doubt. That's just how he is. But I didn't know this then. So, I lost my best friends rather than risk losing my husband.
Hopefully, if your spouse still has "trust issues", you haven't been married long. In a healthy relationship, trust will grow as time passes, as long as you don't give your spouse a /real/ reason to be jealous.
If he or she, still has difficulty trusting you after a couple of years have passed, then perhaps a therapist is in order. For your spouse or for both of you as a couple.
Think about this carefully, choose your own path wisely, and good luck.
Answer
Err.....it should be ok to have friends of the opposite sex, assuming that we live in a perfect world, where people consider other people's feelings, have true respect for each other, always try to help someone and love other people. In that ideal world, yes, people from the opposite sex could remain friends and bring their partners into their friendship as well, so the world would become a better place as people join together.
BUT...the reality is different: there is a chance your 'so-called' friend tries to come between you and your partner (sometimes in such a way that you wouldn't even know) or you have people talking behind your back and spreading rumours, which would eventually come between you and your partner. I am a woman, so from personal experience, I can say that ALL men that have been my friends, eventually wanted something sexual. Now, some of them really respected me as a person,too...others just disappeared when I had a partner and if they didn't, they tried to cause trouble.
My advice to anyone (man or woman) would be the following:
First assess how important the friend is in your life and how much you can trust them. if they are valuable and trustworthy, check how your partner feels about it. Talk to your partner and explain to them what the person means to you and try to bring them together (that's why your friend should be trustworthy). However, you and your friend being the opposite sex, means that your partner and your friend are of the same sex, in which case a new friendship could form! That could be good, but it could also mean that your partner and you friend spend time together, which then would make you feel uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons.
Eventually, it is a very complicated situation. Do you have the energy to go through all that? It is up to you. You know yourself, your partner and your friend better than me. If it was me in the same situation, I would only try to keep a friend or allow my partner to keep a friend, if I was 100% certain about that friend.
@the "answer" above me:
You need to think about all the possible actions and consequences involved. (LOL, I feel like some cheesy health book writing this, but it's true). There's always the risk of causing a pregnancy, of course, in which case you'll have to tell your parents, but I don't think you're too worried about that. You should probably use protection, though. I'm worried about your relationship with your mother. Because you took the time to write your question, I'm assuming that you care about her. That puts you in a situation similar to the one that I was in a few months ago. I, however, have a very loving mother. When I finally got up the courage to tell her, she was really quite understanding. I don't know what kind of mom you have, nor how she would react if you told her, but I can state from personal experience that I felt loads better after telling her. If your mom takes it badly, the worst case scenario is that she explodes, suddenly gives you a whole lot of rules to deal with, and stops trusting you as much for a while. Not being told something that important will hurt. Eventually, though, she'll realize that you did tell her, and things should be the same, minus the secret you had been hiding. Alternatively, you could not tell her and just deal with the guilt, though if she found out then things would turn out about the same as if you had told her, except that she would be more hurt, more angry, and wouldn't trust you as much afterwards. I suppose a third option would be to stop having friendship sex, and just sort of pretend it never happened, but I don't think you're going to go for that.
Personally, it's been my experience that the best thing to do in any relationship is to be honest, but maybe I'm unique!
Answer: From the perspective of an opposite sex friend who was "dumped" by a married woman 3 months ago because her husband said he would divorce her if she ever so much as sent me an email again (and she agreed), I believe it is appropriate to have opposite sex friends. I strongly strongly strongly urge caution for other friends like me, though, since we are really the ones who can get unfairly hurt in these situations: try to get a clear, committed, genuine understanding from not just the married friend but also the married friend's spouse regarding how acceptable they may REALLY find the situation over the long haul. Really spend some serious time on this with both members of the couple.
I'm so insistent about this because, ironically, though we'd been friends almost 10 years (since before she got married), the longer the friendship lasted, and the more we became better friends, the more unacceptable the husband found it. In other words, he was not really OK with his wife having a good male friend, only a casual one. His wife, on the other hand (and like most women, I believe) saw nothing wrong with the situation (Nor, of course, did I. And if it needs specific mention, there was never - never - even a whiff of inappropriate behavior/interaction between the two of us.) Over the past year, without me knowing it, my friend's husband had begun to "attack" her for the closeness of her friendship with me. My friend didn't tell me, because she felt it was her husband's issue, and because she thought it wouldn't amount to much or would blow over. But when neither of those things failed to happen, the husband became extremely jealous and distraught, so of course his wife ended it (our friendship, I mean). By that time, this friend of mine had become my best friend (though not I, hers), so for me the dramatic turn of events, for which I was wholly unprepared, was/is devastating. (You know what they say - when you break up with a lover, hang tight with your friends. Well, when your best friend "breaks up" with you for reasons unrelated to the friendship (per se), who do you hang tight with then? Where is the source of comfort? In my case, nowhere.)
In other words, should an opposite sex friendship be appropriate? Absolutely. But can it be? Don't be so sure. Assuming honorable people for whom there's no issue of "cheating," the risk to the friend is the highest. Because if push comes to shove, the friend will always be odd man (woman) out. So be sure everybody understands the ramifications from the outset: people who stay friends for a long time tend to become good friends or even best friends, and the potential for being horribly betrayed if the spouse simply "changes his (or her) mind" some day will always loom.
That possibility never even crossed my mind. I never could have imagined things playing out in such a sorrowful way, so I never "protected" myself from it, emotionally, and now I am the one who is paying a triple price: (1) I've lost my best friend; (2) I've lost that piece of myself that believed one of the highest and truest values of a long, strong friendship was trust and loyalty; and (3) My self-esteem has taken an awful hit from learning that for my married friend (who summarily cut me out of her life without hope of compromise or further consideration :-( ) all that I brought to the friendship was eminently expendable.
So, again, is it appropriate to have an opposite sex friend when you are married and your spouse has trust issues? I know the original inquirer asked from the perspective of the married friend. But please try not to forget the perspective and welfare of the unmarried friend as well. Remember to also ask, "Is it appropriate to subject an unmarried opposite-sex friend to the uncontrollable risk that loyalty cannot be sustained, trust in the friendship cannot be assured?" Frankly and bitterly, for me, the answer now, is "no."
Be honest with your spouse that this is just a friend, that you want your spouse and your friend to know each other as well.
Answer
Of course it is appropriate -- as long as your behaviour is appropriate for a married man or woman. It would be selfish, petty, and even hurtful of someone to expect you to give up your friends simply because of his or her own insecurity.But, please, use common sense and be sensitive. Do not think you can remain friends with an ex-lover, and still earn your spouse's trust. This would be too much to ask. I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with this. But only you know your spouse and the circumstances. Some people are secure enough to be able to trust their partner right away, others aren't for whatever reason.
I have always had many more male friends than female ones. When my husband and I were first married, I allowed myself to lose touch with two of the best friends I've ever had. It was my own choice, because I didn't want to cause my husband to feel threatened or like he couldn't trust me. And I regret that decision more than anything else I've ever done. But it was /my/ decision. If he had demanded or simply asked me to stop seeing them, I would have, but I most likely would have grown to resent him for making me choose between him and my friends. In retrospect, I realize that my husband would have gotten over any insecurity or doubt. That's just how he is. But I didn't know this then. So, I lost my best friends rather than risk losing my husband.
Hopefully, if your spouse still has "trust issues", you haven't been married long. In a healthy relationship, trust will grow as time passes, as long as you don't give your spouse a /real/ reason to be jealous.
If he or she, still has difficulty trusting you after a couple of years have passed, then perhaps a therapist is in order. For your spouse or for both of you as a couple.
Think about this carefully, choose your own path wisely, and good luck.
Answer
Not if you are alone with them.Answer
No it's not a wise decision to keep close opposite sex friends. People need to check statistics before answering. If you will notice 90% of the women believe in keeping them, and keeping them close, why? Is your husband not giving you what you need emotionally, or maybe in fact physically? It's fine to keep opposite sex friends in the workplace, but in their place, and at a distance. Being friendly for working conditions only. Women are the one's that believe it's mostly ok, because they don't understand the man's mind, and their way of thinking. What seems innocent to the woman more than likely is a different thought in the mans mind. Even if he never acts on those thoughts. You can be what feels like a close friendly relationship for many years, and never know whats really in a mans mind. If your not willing, or will hold it against your future spouse for loosing close opposite friends, then think twice before devoting yourself to them. Yes trust is a main issue in a marriage, and keeping close opposite friends can most certainly damage that trust. If you do desire to keep friends close, never meet one anywhere without inviting your spouse along. Make sure this invitation will coincide with your spouses known schedule. Never plan a meeting knowing your spouse can't make the meeting. If its a chance meeting? Be sure you have someone that knows you close by, and never let the meeting go on for a lengthly amount of time, and also be sure to tell your spouse about the chance meeting as soon as possible before someone else does. The divorce rate is 60% of all marriages in the U.S., and opposite sex friendships is one of the biggies. If you don't believe that one person can tend to your emotional, and sexual needs then your not ready for marriage.Answer
is it appropriate to be married to someone who has trust issues?Answer
It is ok you just have to be cautious. I am sure your spouse is not giving up his opposite sex friends for you?Answer
What i would like to know, yes i have trust issues but only since this txt.. is it appropriate for a 25 year old female employee to send a dirty joke txt to her 40 year old married boss? And if it happens again should i contact her?Answer
Err.....it should be ok to have friends of the opposite sex, assuming that we live in a perfect world, where people consider other people's feelings, have true respect for each other, always try to help someone and love other people. In that ideal world, yes, people from the opposite sex could remain friends and bring their partners into their friendship as well, so the world would become a better place as people join together.
BUT...the reality is different: there is a chance your 'so-called' friend tries to come between you and your partner (sometimes in such a way that you wouldn't even know) or you have people talking behind your back and spreading rumours, which would eventually come between you and your partner. I am a woman, so from personal experience, I can say that ALL men that have been my friends, eventually wanted something sexual. Now, some of them really respected me as a person,too...others just disappeared when I had a partner and if they didn't, they tried to cause trouble.
My advice to anyone (man or woman) would be the following:
First assess how important the friend is in your life and how much you can trust them. if they are valuable and trustworthy, check how your partner feels about it. Talk to your partner and explain to them what the person means to you and try to bring them together (that's why your friend should be trustworthy). However, you and your friend being the opposite sex, means that your partner and your friend are of the same sex, in which case a new friendship could form! That could be good, but it could also mean that your partner and you friend spend time together, which then would make you feel uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons.
Eventually, it is a very complicated situation. Do you have the energy to go through all that? It is up to you. You know yourself, your partner and your friend better than me. If it was me in the same situation, I would only try to keep a friend or allow my partner to keep a friend, if I was 100% certain about that friend.
Answer
I think that it is alright to have friends of the opposite sex when your in a relationship. But, sometimes when a friend gets a bit too comfortable with that person who is already married (Hugging inappropriately, and/or always giving that person gifts to that person who is married) than its really not good then. I guess it would be a little different if that person had friends of the same sex. But, I don't really know that's my opinon. But, if your husband has alot of trust/jealousy issues than I would advise you both to go see a relationship consulor and try to work out the issues in your relationship. Hopefully then, your relationship with your husband might get better. Good luck! :)Answer
I'm 18 and I have had sex with girls that I have been in relationships with and girls who are my friends. Me and all of my friends think it is o.k to have friendship sex aslong as you know the person. I am not sure however if I should tell my mum that I have had sex. I have told my friends that I have had sex but I have never told my mum about that I have. I have talked to her about sex and there have been nights where I have told her that I have been with girls but I have never been able to tell her I have been sexually active. I find it easier to tell my friends. The first time I had sex was when I was 16 when i was going out with my girl friend at that time. Since then I have had sex many times. Should I tell her that i have been sexually active?, or is it o.k for me to just tell my friends?.@the "answer" above me:
You need to think about all the possible actions and consequences involved. (LOL, I feel like some cheesy health book writing this, but it's true). There's always the risk of causing a pregnancy, of course, in which case you'll have to tell your parents, but I don't think you're too worried about that. You should probably use protection, though. I'm worried about your relationship with your mother. Because you took the time to write your question, I'm assuming that you care about her. That puts you in a situation similar to the one that I was in a few months ago. I, however, have a very loving mother. When I finally got up the courage to tell her, she was really quite understanding. I don't know what kind of mom you have, nor how she would react if you told her, but I can state from personal experience that I felt loads better after telling her. If your mom takes it badly, the worst case scenario is that she explodes, suddenly gives you a whole lot of rules to deal with, and stops trusting you as much for a while. Not being told something that important will hurt. Eventually, though, she'll realize that you did tell her, and things should be the same, minus the secret you had been hiding. Alternatively, you could not tell her and just deal with the guilt, though if she found out then things would turn out about the same as if you had told her, except that she would be more hurt, more angry, and wouldn't trust you as much afterwards. I suppose a third option would be to stop having friendship sex, and just sort of pretend it never happened, but I don't think you're going to go for that.
Personally, it's been my experience that the best thing to do in any relationship is to be honest, but maybe I'm unique!
Answer: From the perspective of an opposite sex friend who was "dumped" by a married woman 3 months ago because her husband said he would divorce her if she ever so much as sent me an email again (and she agreed), I believe it is appropriate to have opposite sex friends. I strongly strongly strongly urge caution for other friends like me, though, since we are really the ones who can get unfairly hurt in these situations: try to get a clear, committed, genuine understanding from not just the married friend but also the married friend's spouse regarding how acceptable they may REALLY find the situation over the long haul. Really spend some serious time on this with both members of the couple.
I'm so insistent about this because, ironically, though we'd been friends almost 10 years (since before she got married), the longer the friendship lasted, and the more we became better friends, the more unacceptable the husband found it. In other words, he was not really OK with his wife having a good male friend, only a casual one. His wife, on the other hand (and like most women, I believe) saw nothing wrong with the situation (Nor, of course, did I. And if it needs specific mention, there was never - never - even a whiff of inappropriate behavior/interaction between the two of us.) Over the past year, without me knowing it, my friend's husband had begun to "attack" her for the closeness of her friendship with me. My friend didn't tell me, because she felt it was her husband's issue, and because she thought it wouldn't amount to much or would blow over. But when neither of those things failed to happen, the husband became extremely jealous and distraught, so of course his wife ended it (our friendship, I mean). By that time, this friend of mine had become my best friend (though not I, hers), so for me the dramatic turn of events, for which I was wholly unprepared, was/is devastating. (You know what they say - when you break up with a lover, hang tight with your friends. Well, when your best friend "breaks up" with you for reasons unrelated to the friendship (per se), who do you hang tight with then? Where is the source of comfort? In my case, nowhere.)
In other words, should an opposite sex friendship be appropriate? Absolutely. But can it be? Don't be so sure. Assuming honorable people for whom there's no issue of "cheating," the risk to the friend is the highest. Because if push comes to shove, the friend will always be odd man (woman) out. So be sure everybody understands the ramifications from the outset: people who stay friends for a long time tend to become good friends or even best friends, and the potential for being horribly betrayed if the spouse simply "changes his (or her) mind" some day will always loom.
That possibility never even crossed my mind. I never could have imagined things playing out in such a sorrowful way, so I never "protected" myself from it, emotionally, and now I am the one who is paying a triple price: (1) I've lost my best friend; (2) I've lost that piece of myself that believed one of the highest and truest values of a long, strong friendship was trust and loyalty; and (3) My self-esteem has taken an awful hit from learning that for my married friend (who summarily cut me out of her life without hope of compromise or further consideration :-( ) all that I brought to the friendship was eminently expendable.
So, again, is it appropriate to have an opposite sex friend when you are married and your spouse has trust issues? I know the original inquirer asked from the perspective of the married friend. But please try not to forget the perspective and welfare of the unmarried friend as well. Remember to also ask, "Is it appropriate to subject an unmarried opposite-sex friend to the uncontrollable risk that loyalty cannot be sustained, trust in the friendship cannot be assured?" Frankly and bitterly, for me, the answer now, is "no."
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