Is it ok to marry someone you do not love if you like them and you are compatible?

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I'm surprised - and relieved - to find so many people having at least contemplated the same question I have. Even more surprising is the number of people who HAVE married without being "in-love" and the very different ways that decision has impacted their lives.

I struggle with this question day-in and day-out. I am in a long-term relationship with the kindest, most considerate man in the world, who wants only the best things in the world for me. We're incredible friends, would do anything for one another, laugh with eachother... He is refreshingly self-assured, silly, loyal, and responsible. AND YET: it pangs me horribly to not feel the the intense passion for him that I have for other people in my life. I have never pursued any of the "passionate" loves in my life for very long (due to bad timing, etc.), so as far as longevity of passion - who knows. But I do know passionate love is out there.

Theoretically I believe that we should always trust our instincts...that when something doesn't feel right, it just ISN'T. And when it's magically and cosmically RIGHT, you'll KNOW. It might change and take on slightly different forms over time, but the very taste of that magic will stay with you and carry you through anything. (<<--NOT based on EXPERIENCE, by the way.)

Fundamentally, however, I believe there is a time and place for everything that we choose to incorporate into our lives. Life is short - yes, so choose wisely. But never look at the decisions you've made as FINITE. Be happy and enjoy what you have. Then, IF and WHEN you've hit that impenetrable wall with that other person, MOVE! Loving without being in-love may not be what you want in a MARRIAGE, or for the rest of your LIFE, but it might be just the right thing for NOW. I won't marry until I KNOW, but there is no script for life. If you marry and make a mistake, fix it! Even with kids, if you can stay SANE as a divorced person (I never could, which is why I won't marry until I know), don't put your children through a series of BAD examples by staying together! Children stand to learn a MUCH bigger lesson from parents recognizing an unhealthy relationship, conquering fear and walking away, than they do watching two miserable people dislike eachother.

I suppose the most important thing is to always, always be honest with yourself and the other person. It's unfair enough to stay with someone who loves you more than you love him/her -- the least you can do is provide them the opportunity to make an informed decision.

Don't do it!!!

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I am in a similar situation. I am "in like" with this girl and I know I don't feel all that passionately for her. I hate to say it but its the looks that turn me off. I don't have very high standards for looks but try as I must I am not able to feel the passion for her. But, she is a very very nice girl, very intelligent, makes me laugh and in love with me. She has to be the most intelligent girl I have ever met. I have to make a decision soon as I don't want to keep her hanging forever. She deserves better. I am very depressed. Have no idea what to do. I am very sure no matter what decision I take I will probably end up regretting it. So much love is easy. Maybe I should get the hell out of her life soon. But how to explain her so that it doesn't damage her self confidence?

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It's so comforting to see so many others in the same situation. As seems to be everyone else's story; I am in a long term relationship with a man who loves me. He understands and accepts my quirks and always puts me first. He's the type of man I know would be a wonderful husband and father. He's attractive and shares the same interests as me.

I am selfish. I don't love him, but I'm worried that if I leave him, I will never meet another man who will love me as much as him. He may sound perfect - but there are little flaws that I cannot accept. Like how my boss will never respect his gentle personality. How he still loves video games at the age of 27. How passionate he is about animals. Ridiculously unimportant things - but still so irksome after four years!

I think it's not so much that I don't love him, but that I cannot accept his flaws. Maybe I never will. Which means I will never love him.

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deserve to find real, true, love.

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That's the problem with marriages and divorce rates these days. So many people are doing it for the wrong reasons. You don't marry someone you "like". Marriage is a very serious commitment, and is based on love. If you are not in love yet, you should definitly wait until you think you are. Don't settle for anything less. I have friends, male and female, that I am compatible with. I wouldn't marry them! Marriage isn't supposed to be a fly by night thing. Too many people don't take it seriously. MARRIAGE IS NOT A JOKE. Follow your heart and you will find the right answer. Just don't do it because you want it so bad, more than likely, it won't work out.

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I think this depends on a few things, does he feel the same way? As long as you are both on the same page I think, why not? My aunty has been married to her husband for 33 years, they have seperate rooms and always have, they have 2 children who have always understood that their parents are more like best friends than like husband and wife and they are fine with it. Who is anyone to judge. If it makes you both happy I say go for it. Conversely if he is in love with you and wants to marry you and live the married life and you say yes because you like him and you get along, what happens when you fall in love with someone else? This situation would be in big trouble if you both are not on the same page.

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In my opinion, no. Eventually you will probably become unhappy and miserable and divorce. And if you have kids, that makes it even harder. And it sets a bad example for them. You do what's right for you, but if you aren't in love, I would say don't get married. If you chose to get married, please don't have kids. It could really hurt them in the end if you get divorced or they see how unhappy you are in a loveless marriage. Real love is out there, don't settle for compatablility.

NO NO NO NO NO Would you want your parents to have such a marriage as an example to you?

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In my opinion, marriage is something sacred, something beautiful! You should be with someone that you can't wait to come home to - someone who you will want to sleep next to - wake up next to! Not only your significant other - but a best friend! Don't you want to feel the love when you are both staring into each others eyes! You live once...why not live it with someone that makes your heart pound..your palms sweat...! I'm not saying that its all about love - of coarse you have to be compatible with the person! You need common interests to keep the fire burning! It's all a compromise but your willing to do that when you love someone.

Don't ever get married just because you 'like' someone. Don't get caught up in 'getting married' - its always exciting thinking about that 'day', so don't let that make your decision or other factors make your decision to be with this person. I say you go out there and find Mr./Mrs. Right - someone that you love....its an incredible feeling. Don't settle because you will be kicking yourself one day! And that day will come soon after the 'wedding'...trust me!

I thought of settling down with someone just to get married, but thankfully I didn't because now I am with someone I am inlove with! I can't wait to share everything with him because thats how much I love him! Don't settle!

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If it's absolutely clear to both parties that there is no love and both parties are okay with the idea of a loveless marriage, then it's okay.

But if either party is under the impression that it's a love match, or if either party dreams of one day marrying someone they're in love with, then it isn't okay.

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Yes!!

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I do not believe that marriage can servive on love alone. You cannot live off of love alone. You need more. If you respect someone, that respect can grow into admiration and eventually love. Now if you are just similar but can't stand each other, that isn't even a question worth asking...marriage is a life long commitment, remeber that.

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Was this a serious question?

Honestly? Don't "settle" for anything but the REAL THING, because one day, the real thing will come around your way and you will have screwed up your life and another's and, well, you'll be sorry and in a mess.

I'd rather be alone then settle. Ewwwe..

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Yes. Sometimes "forever" is 2, 5 or 20 years. If marrying serves you well for the time being, then do it. Marriage is a partnership and it does not need to be forever. It needs to be for as long as it works. If someone you love and who loves you comes along in the ftuure, then you must move on. You and your current partner can part amicably and be grateful for the lessons you have taught each other and the human companionship you have shared.

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Absolutely do not do this under any circumstances. i have done this myself and I am very un happy right now. We have a son and now I feel for him I cannot leave. I didnt love him at all and I never will no matter how hard I try. I spend all day every day being depressed and longing for love and passion that I will never have. Please learn from my mistake. Dont Dont Dont!!!

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No, please don't marry someone who you don't love, even if you are compatible, you'll regret it in the end. When I met my husband, I was young (24), kinda on the rebound from a 2-year relationship (first serious boyfriend), frustrated with the single scene (only in it for 6 months!). He was so kind and I knew he would take good care of me, be a good husband. We were engaged quickly and married within a year. I definitely loved him (and still do) and thought I was "in love" with him, but I think I was "in love" with the concept of being in love. I enjoy the cuddling, affection and attention I receive from him. 7 years later, we have 2 young children (2 & 4), who we both love dearly, but I honestly see my husband like a very close relative who I have sex with (I have to fantasize about other men when we have sex for the past 7 yrs), who is also the father of my kids. I love him, but am not "in love" with him and now I've been turning my attention to other men. I don't want to break up our family, but I don't want to be unhappy with him the rest of my life either because he's not "the one".

Please make sure your future husband is "the one" for you and don't settle, like I did, taking the first guy that comes by, or at least waiting, to give yourself time to know the person, background, his family, etc.

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I guess so, if you have little self worth or are looking to marry someone who is loaded. People who are healthy and secure in themselves will usually marry someone they are in love with.ZERO.

Perhaps you are desperate and thinking you wouldn't get someone you were actually in love with. Some people are really insecure and will simply "settle". Other's would rather be single then settle for something less then what they want.

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Well, this is a tough one, I am 25 and got into a relationship about 4 yrs ago with someone who was similar to an Ex whom I had strong feelings for (even though id only known him for a short period of time he made such an impact on me-we never actually go really into the relationship, problems with hiZERO.m & me things just didnt work out for some reason but we were both besotted with each other)My husband is wonderful, and Has the looks like my Ex but also one better, A womderful caring personality whom I really connected with, like me and him were the same and could read each other inside & out. The strange feeling is, i have never forgotten This Ex, always on my mind, but I think because things were funny when I knew him, I just carried on & am trying to move on with my New Love, my husband. now throught from the time me & my ex split up we have been in contact with each other say every 6 months or so, I think I ruined everything by announcing to him earlier that id gotten engaged (3 months after we split up-4yrs ago now) he did seem upset on the phone etc..like something had happened & he couldnt do anything about - Hurt - ( he must have come to his senses after we broke up but to me it was too late) but I just brushed it off and saw it as Its his loss & sort of loved the fact that he knew someone else had snapped me up. Anyway, throughout the 4 yrs now after being in contact now and again whats happened is, he is with someone else (about 4 yrs now too, with a baby now, but when i used to speak to him hed say things that would make me think he too was just going along with things in his life too, because he saw id moved on. Being roped into a mortgage, getting married etc... Before I got married i got in contact with him days before the wedding, just to burry my confusion and feelings I had inside-I told him that id always have a place in my heart for him as he made an impact in my life, he replied with if he hadent mucked things up it could have be us getting married and having a baby......I felt upset inside but just blocked this out again, to me it was too late, I was getting married and I felt I had to move on or people would get hurt......I am so confused-I love my Husband, but I still think about an ex whom I wasnt in a serious relationship with but for some reason I feel something inside for him, when we do talk he says things like I still look stuning etc..& that he is still curious??? Help cause I just dont know what I am feeling here. I have to get this guy outta my head-Am I just infatuated?? For anyone out there, Never hold back your feelings, just spill out how you feel-that way at least u will know where u stand and the air will be cleared.

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Of course it is ok..but is ok good enough for something that should be a lifelong committment. Also you need to have a personal definition of what you feel love is and how much you need that in your life. By asking yourself the appropriate questions you will find you know the answer...then you do what will make you happy and not what will make you just OK. It is always easy to have the bird in the hand mentality but that is the worst thing to do when it comes to personal relationships. Afterall there is nothing wrong with waiting and if you feel you are not in love then if possible continue the relationship without marrying and see if things change. You left out a lot of information such as the duration of the relationship and in what ways you are compatable. For some people compatabilty is liking the same fast food restaurant but would hardly be a reason to get married. True compatability is not being the same but being able to tolerate the other persons differences....most times that is most easily accomplished with love. Just think about being with this person everyday for years and think about whether you can stand them if you are fighting and there is no love to keep you in the relationship.

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I've always believed that it is possible to pick 2 people who respect and care and get alongn with eachother and then they will fall in love... I would definatly not suggest to just settle but depending on cultures and age stuff... i would consider it... With my boyfriend now i wasn't sure how things would work... we were very different in many ways but now i have grown to love him on many more levels and couldnt imagine my life with out him... don't settle but don't think it woulnd't work... maybe give it a lil more time and u will grow to love just think... arranged marriages happend for centuries... less divorce then than there is now...

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Yes and No. I have done that. I have married a man twice!, who I do not love, I think I cared a great deal about him when we got married the first time, and I thought I would be happy if I was married at that time. But I wasn't, I only wanted to be married to my ex, but I had went through a bout of depression that killed our marriage and i have had to leave with the guilt of that. We are still very good friends and either one of us is always there for the other. My husband now is nice to me and he is financially better off than my ex. I stayed single for a long time, jumping in and out of bed with whoever would want me during the last 10 yrs, and got myself into a mess only this man could remedy. I have him spoiled in alot of ways and he stays with me for that and I do care about him, but in love? No way. I just can't. There was one other man that I fell deeply in love with during the other years, but he was my friends husband and he broke it off after a wonderful year I will never forget. I still think about him constantly. I am not happy and dread going home sometimes, so just make sure you are happy without love cause its hard to hurt someone even if you only care for them.

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No, no, and no. You are selling yourself short if you do, and could be effectively preventing yourself from ever truly finding love. I did it once, and was lucky enough to realize my mistake very soon after. I got divorced, decided to focus on other things for awhile instead of worrying about getting married and finding love (or not) and miraculously met the man of my dreams. Having married for love the second time around has made me realize how lucky I am that I was able to wise up and get out of that first marriage. Also, how fair is it to your spouse to marry them without loving them - don't you think they deserve a chance at being loved, too?

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I guess this is a different form of the bigger question "love marriage" or an "arranged marriage" :)

You should only marry the one you you truly love. And by true love, I mean that rather than saying "I like you a lot; and I think we can make a great couple together", it should be more like "I need you, I want you - I cannot live without you".

Arranged marriages do not guarantee true love to grow from the relationship. At least this is how it happened in my family and relatives who had almost all marriages arranged.

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no, you're settling for less becuase you are lazy. Look harder and you will be so happy.. believe me.. i had the same choice once in my life before.. I'm soo glad i didnt settle for someone i was just compatible with.. i found someone i truely love as a person and so much more.. beautiful, charming etc etc etcc :):):) I'm so in love!!!

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Absolutely, positively not!1 I married for security and stability to a man 19 years my senior and guess what? It has turned so sour! He is a pilot and has been having an affair - also with someone younger than him. It just goes to show that if there is a vital connection missing, everyone suffers in the long run. Hang in there and either go it alone, or wait for the man of your dreams to show up. He often does.

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i think that marriage is ultimately a companionship....love need not contain all three of intimacy, passion, and lust......i mean i could marry some extremely fat woman i wasnt attracted to but would poke her just for the mere sex so long as she was close and i could talk to her so eat it ps fat chicks are not all they are hyped up to be slaggerz love ian pickaparttheday.com

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PLEASE FOLLOW YOUR HEART because what is bad for me may be good for you or vise-versa. REMEMBER that we are just ordinary people and we sometimes do not know which way to turn. If you believe in the powers of prayer, say a lot of it.I can only say that being born to this world is a risk we all take. Therefore go ahead give it yourself a chance. you will never know till you try . I wish you the best of luck.

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Boy, this hits home for me, this happen to me 8 years ago and still going on. My 1st husband of 12 years we divorced in 1996, I remarried in 1997, had a baby in 1998. here's the problem I'm still in love with my ex-husband, never gotten over him, dream about him. One day my ex-husband said he was engaged, that torn me apart, so when a friend ask me to marry him, I jumped on the chance, becuase I didn't want to be alone. My husband now, I know he loves me, but evertime I look at him it makes me sick, we haven't had sex for a long long time. its becuase I never felt the same way about him as he does for me. Don't put yourself through this all it does is make you unhappy and everyone around you.

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I think the real question here is "Should I marry someone that I'm not currently infatuated with." Of course!!! Real love has nothing to do with passion and romance. Those are just emotions!! Love is a choice. I love my husband now more than I ever did before we were married. Back then I didn't love him. Sure, I was infatuated with him, but I didn't love him. It was all about emotions: how he made me feel, what he did for me, how he turned me on!! The common denomiator there is ME !!!! Now the relationship I have with him is more than romance and passion, it's love!! We have a common life and a common promise to stay together until death. Some days I don't feel attracted to my husband at all, but I never stop loving him. Emotions are like the sea; they are constantly changing. You cannot make your decisions based on your emotions alone. Real love develops as time passes in marriage. The reason for so much divorce is the fact that people don't know what love is. Three years into the marriage they don't feel the same way they felt on thier wedding day, so they think they're not in love anymore!! It's rubbish. Forget the fairy stories. Marriage is hard work, whether you marry a friend or someone that you feel "in love" with. People in many countries don't even get to choose thier own spouse, yet many of those marriages work. Love is something that you nurture and grow, not something that just happens.

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I believe you should really love the person you are married to and be in love with that person, from reading all of these answers,it seems mostly women are on this web page.. I love my wife truely, but in love with her, no, not at all, and it hurts... It hurts to hurt someone you really care for when you think its time to move on and it hurts to not be happy or saticfied with your life when you decide to stay and try to make it work for the 20th time or what ever. So I'm caught up, in a contiuous cycle. What am I to do? I really love her.

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I would love to answer this question. I think the answer is maybe and could be, unequivocably yes. Personally mired in a 20-year unsatisfying marriage I am convinced that it is more important to like someone that to "love" them in a marriage. This depends, of course, on how you define your terms and how certain that you are that you like, but not love them. My wife and I were passionately attracted to each other before our marriage but also didn't necessarily like each other that well meaning there were plenty of things about each other that we didn't like would like to change. On the other hand, I have liked a number of people, female and male, that I have found easy to love - on some level - because I liked them. Perhaps you don't feel immediately that fiery passionate attraction but that is the kind of love more likely to burn out and the underlying differences emerge over time. Again, someone you like is easy to love and you are more likely to respect them, not want to change them, enjoy their company more consistently over time and, generally, be more compatible.

Currently I have a female friend of five years with whom I share a deep friendship and, I am convinced, have grown to love as deeply as a result. She shares the same feeling for me. Out of principle we are not and will not conduct an affair. Nevetheless, we both agree that we coulda woulda shoulda been incredible together because we were very good friends first and always will be.

Of this I am certain. You cannot have a happy marriage with someone you love (at first) but do not like. You have a chance at a happy marriage, and perhaps a spectacular relationship, with someone that you like but do not initially feel a passion love for. If I were a marriage counsellor I would suggest that "like" is more important than "love".

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All I can say is what a waste of time, the right one could be just around the corner and you will have missed out...life is too short. And for goodness sake, what a silly question..

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There are no right or wrong choices in life, only choices. The choice you make is the decision you will live with, so whatever choice you make, be sure you can live with it. If you have any doubts, I would say wait. What's the hurry? If you feel you are in a hurry, then maybe you are acting hastily and will make a choice that is not the best for you. Take your time. Be sure it's what you want before you say "I do."

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My husband and I didn't marry for love, I don't think we are even compatible. We don't have very much in common except mentally. He's not interested in my ambitions and his bore me to tears. We have been married three years and we married out of necessity, nearly an arranged marriage. Everyone tells me how wonderful he is and what a great person he is,never anything about how wonderful I am in keeping him out of his depression fits and slumps. He seems just as unsatisfied and unhappy as I am because we are not in love with each other. Sure I love him, but I love a lot of people, it's called caring for your fellow human being. It's clear that because we were not in love with each other our marriage isn't working depsite all of the social commentaires from public opinion that tell us we should stay together. I say tell them to blow it out their arse. If you feel something you need to go on it. The last thing you can do is have some other person tell you how to make up your mind. We learn from our experiences and if you experience misery because you are not in love with your spouse then move on. Most importantly is to give it time. Give yourself and your life time to hear what your mind, body, and heart are telling you. Sure there will be hurt but do we learn to overcome any other way? Life is not daily happiness and joy and sometimes the happiness comes from making a mistake and saving yourself from what could be a disaster. If you want to take the politically correct road then stay married even though you are miserable because it makes your public happy. I on the other hand would be sad for the loss that people who make those decisons have throughout their lives. Yes sure you can learn to love somebody but even that is a match that you might not have seen when you met the person. Sometimes it takes a little heartache and tragedy to teach us things about ourselves. Do what you feel inside, if you don't feel you have a problem that needs to be addressed and usually if you give yourself time you can solve it through yourself. We're not here to do everything that everyone else tells us to do.

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I would say Yes. But don't rush into it. Hang out for awhile, see what develops. The Love you are talking about is probably really Infatuation. Believe me, that fades. And when that goes, you finally get to know the real person. And sometimes that person is quite ugly, inside, that is. They may be beautiful outside, but not inside. On the other hand, if you are compatible and you really like someone, it can grow to real Love and Respect, not Infatuation. Just my opinion...I married once for Love (Infatuation) and found myself in Hell after the first year. Don't be fooled by the Love requirement. Our society has created that fairy tale, and we all seem to buy in.

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I've been married to a woman I "love" but was never "in love" with for 17 years. We're great friends, we can talk over anything and we're always there for each other. We very rarely fight so there's no reason to leave or make a big deal out of it. I have a calm, centered life with a great person. The sex is horrible, though! I used to think that really mattered but lately I think sex is overrated anyway so I'm not missing out on much. I think you're better off marrying someone you can see yourself having a life with rather than someone you lust after - that feeling fades pretty darn quick.

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Marriage is not about lust or emotions or even what everyone claims it is... love. Marriage is about having someone on your side, someone cheering for you and help pick you up when you're down. If you like each other, RESPECT each other, but don't have the Fabio and Jezmerelda passion, I'd say you have a better recipe for a long lasting relationship than most. People get divorced these days because the grass looks so much greener is Jack or Jane's yard so they leave boring old Bob to find their Jack/Jane. This is so silly. When you are 65, retired, and want to go on a cross-country adventure, do you really want to take your latest and greatest love conquest or your best friend and life companion? Living together is hard period. Being married is the hardest job you'll ever have because it means giving up who you are sometimes to be there or do the right thing for your spouse. Sex is great, we all love it and watch romantic garbage wishing we could experience that. But having that intense relationship long-term is not possible. Besides, it has no depth! I'd much rather be with my husband than with "the man of my dreams" because we have so much invested in each other and we both can't wait for the huge return! One last thing: I'm not a crazy Bible thumping religious fanatic, but I absolutely know that when God is involved in a marriage... man... Things just seem a whole lot easier to get through.

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Hello everyone, I'm Robert. My first marriage was for 17 years. we had three beautiful daughters. My ex wife decided to turn 16, if you know what I mean. After being divorced for 5 years, I dated this woman for a year and nine months, and you could say that I was trying to run away from her the whole time. I would tell her all the time that she is not my type, and I believe that God has someone else for me. Her response has always been that God told her that I was suppose to be her husband. This continually went on for one year and nine months. Well, we have been married for almost three years now, and I am a very miserable person. It's hard for me to look her in the eye and say I love you and really mean it, and there is no passion in our marriage what so ever. I don't believe in divorce but what am I suppose to do? I know God hates divorce, but does He like marriages where love is one sided, and one person is miserable? Am I suppose to wait and wait some more, and maybe try and get counciled to feel passionate about this person? I don't think so. Another side of the coin is, I don't want to hurt her, because she is a good wife, I can trust her, and she loves the Lord which is all very important to me. And I know these are the type of reasons I had for marrying her. I married her for all the wrong reasons. I needed a woman that makes my heart thump when I look into her eyes. I want to miss her during the work day, ya know. I was not in love with this person when I married her and I'm still not in love with her almost three years later. I can't possible see myself growing old with this person. Please someone, tell me something. I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do, but to just share some of your trains of thought and let me make my own decision. Bless you all. December 10, 2005 :23pm

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NO WAY! I HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS FIRST HAND AND I'M IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING A DIVORCE AT THE TIME OF THIS WRITING. I MARRIED SOMEONE BECAUSE SHE WAS A CHRISTIAN, AND A GOOD PERSON. I THOUGHT I COULD LEARN TO HAVE ALL THOSE FEELINGS OF ATTRACTION, SEXAPEAL AND SO ON. BUT THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. IF SOMEONE DOESN'T ROCK YOUR WORLD, IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, DON'T MARRY THEM, BECAUSE THERE IS A BETTER CHANCE OF GETTING BORED WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND ENDING UP IN DIVORCE, THAN IF YOU WOULD MARRY SOMEONE THAT REALLY ROCKED YOUR WORLD.

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From the answers I read I am amazed that Christ doesn't play role in ya'lls thinking. Christ is love and love of Christ means to love your spouse. Love is an action not a feeling. Loving feelings will follow any loving actions. ask the Lord to restore your marriage his way not ours.

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Friend, you are heading for disaster.

I married young - someone I didn't love but who loved me passionately. I felt somehow guilty about the lop-sided situation and figured that feelings would develop over time. They don't.

I will never leave my spouse. It's my honor now to cherish her and provide for her, but our sex life is perpetually awful. I find it very difficult to be excited about our relationship at all, and my lack of enthusiasm is having a terrible affect on her emotional well being. I have to constantly think of creative ways to show her love to make up for the very important ways in which it lacks.

I am warning you. Do not marry someone that isn't your soul mate. Even if it takes 10, 15, 25, or 50 years, you'll be saving yourself a lot of pain. When you find your person of promise, your conscience will not trouble you. And my other advice to you is similar: do not mistake love for lust. Get to know each other on an emotional level and reserve the physical for when you are married.

Good luck.

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I am 27 year old and I am engaged to be married to an Italian on December,everything is settled for the wedding,the problem is, I am not inlove with the man I will marry,he is really a nice guy,caring and romantic, I can say i like him,but for unknown reason I dont love him at all but all I know is,he will be a good husband and a father to my future kids.I read alot of answers from this webpage saying that develop love is more deeper than love at first sight and if both persons involve respects each other,love will grow in time.I just have the fear of staying fifty more years with him without being inlove. I am not sexually attracted and satisfied with him at all. He supports me in everything I do,he always wants the best for me,I am not religious but this time I am praying so hard for my feelings to be developed into love, because i know he deserves to be loved.

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OK. So here's the deal. If you want to be alone your whole life and don't want any kids then stay away. Leave the bum. Go for coffee and be chummy with each other. What... you want kids? You want it all? Everybody else is to compromise to your whims? You want love, passion, career, a loyal heterosexual husband -- a good looking spouse that accepts you for just the way you are? You also want a nice house and car? So, here is what you do. Purchase one revolver with ammunition, load the gun and point the barrel to your temple and pull the trigger because your not going to get it all in this life baby and you might as well any future disappointment now. You expect too much too soon. Romantic comedies on the big screen are only 90 minutes. A lifetime is 90 years. When the man you don't love is gone, you'll have realized you missed a big chance at having a family and future. If you wait to have it all, you'll get it all. With the exception of a loyal husband and kids. Enjoy spinsterhood.

Answer

Thank you all for many thoughtful answers. I am facing a similar situation in which I do not feel "in love" with the woman I am currently with, but I do love her. She is in love and loves me. It is hard that it is one-sided in that way. I am trying to figure out whether to stay with her and probably marry her eventually, or to cut it off now so as to cut our losses. I do not lie to her; she knows I am not passionate about her. (By the way, I know passion, because I have been passionately in love before, with someone who turned out to be a very poor match for a life partner.) If I were purely selfish I would stay with her to see if it works out, because I think there's a possibility this could be great. But I also have to consider the fact that I think it is very likely (perhaps most likely) that I will never feel sufficiently comfortable to commit for the long term, precisely because I miss the "in love" feeling and am not sure it will ever develop. I think that at least some passion may be required to sustain a marriage through the most difficult times. I won't say there's no passion, but nowhere near the level that I know is possible. I want what's best for her, and I am not sure that's me. But she's a grownup and can make her own decisions. Still, if I felt I was misleading her, I would feel awful, so I try to make my feelings as clear as I know how. Of course, typical guy, I don't always know what my feelings are! I'm sure there's more than one right answer; I just wish it were easier to figure it out. =) I wish all of you luck; I hope you will do the same for me.

I may not improve this answer, but from experience I did marry a woman I was not in love with. The result? She is happy, selfserving, and insensitive my my physical and emotional needs. She is blind to the fact that I do not love her. Please do not put yourself in this type of situation, I feel as though my life is being stolen from me. The bad part is this woman is somewhat handicapped ( she was before I met her ) but still I find it hard to divorce her because of her condition....it is the worst kind of prison. To make my situation worse we are both now in our 60's and time is running out.

Answer

Marriage. At the end of the day its what one wants from it. Are you looking for someone who you could discuss things, you can laze around with, share dinner, someone who holds you and comforts you, who is there for you when no one else is, comfortable in silence? Or are you looking for romantic sunsets, dinner and wine, satin sheets, ever lasting youth etc? Are we that perfect, that we demand such perfection?

Truth of life, all relations need to be worked upon. If you like a person, respect the person, find him/her to be a good companion then why would it be second-best? Passionate love exists in romance novels. Many of us think that they have true love. Even if they have, is that a 100% guarantee for a happy ending? How many of these passionate love have led to the couple being old and still holding hands and not getting divorced? I am sure there are people who have found such 'ideal' love but it is not delivered ready-made for you usage at your doorstep. If one is not ready to make a relation work, there is no future. If one is practical and grounded, one knows that the heaven we make for ourselves is from our own effort. No one can meet the 'ideal' standards.

You say that there is an ex you have not gotten over, I agree saying that if that is the case then you should not marry. Not because your ex might be your perfect mate but because self-delusion will never let anyone be happy with what they have.

Everyone needs to make and develop the perfection they aspire with their partner.

First answer by Leslie. Last edit by Navidita. Contributor trust: 8 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 220 [recommend question]