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You are not going to change your Mother. That is a hard thing to accept. You can try to do the following: when she starts to verbally put you down, tell her that you are not going to listen to it anymore. If you are in her home, walk out and if you are on the phone, hang up. Do not, and I repeat, do not get angry and slam the phone down or storm out of the house, but quietly say "this behavior is not acceptable to me and so I am leaving." "When you decide to speak to me respectfully as an adult, perhaps we can visit again." "I'm going to hang up now, Mom," and your reason for doing so. Don't show her that you are upset and don't cry; save that until you are out of her sight. Remember if you are not open to her either in person or on the phone, there will be no one to pick. When this happens, a few times she will realize if she wants a relationship with you, it will be on healthier terms. When this happens, wait until she calls you. If she calls and begins to yell, etc., repeat kindly, but firmly, your boundaries and say "good bye" and hang up; then wait until she calls again. Be kind and gently but remove yourself from this demeaning situation as much as possible. You can love a person from afar. Your relationship with your Mom will most likely resolve itself in time. In the meantime, take good care of yourself, [and] take this time to heal and go forward to create a happy and healthy life for yourself. Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with kind, loving friends.

The above poster gave you some excellent advice. I can certainly relate to your problem because my own mother was like this. Later in life it was discovered she had Dementia (partner of Alzheimer's and medical science believes one can have the beginning of this long before they actually get it.) I also realized by talking to many of my girlfriends (we are all in our 50's or 60's) that many were going through the same thing of controlling or verbally abusive mothers. We discussed it and came up with this: * A person that has a miserable personality is generally a person that is hurting deep inside. * When our mothers were growing up you were given advice such as 'you made your own bed so sleep in it.' This simply meant if you made a mistake you were expected to remain in the situation and deal with it. * When our mothers were younger families (some families are still like this today) didn't 'air their dirty laundry' so they kept all that hurt, angry and rage inside. When they do this they build up a wall to protect themselves and it's generally the daughter that will receive the worst of things to come. It's woman vs woman. * Sometimes there is jealousy involved such as the mother may feel that the daughter has it so much easier than she had it and people are more open about their problems unlike when your mother was growing up. The long and short of it is, see your mother as a woman first, then your mother. One day sit with her and ask her straight out what is making her so angry. Hopefully (even if she can't give you an answer right away) it will give her something to think about and she may go back into her past and discover what is bothering her. If you can, get her to have a good physical. Often there is something that could be causing this type of behavior. Some people have been depressed for years (it can be hereditary) and it was never dealt with. Also medications can worsen an already angry or agitated person. I totally agree with the above poster that you should remain calm (save the tears for later) and be respectful, but expect the same in return. You are not her lashing post even if she is your mother.

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Q: My mother has been verbally abusive all her life and when I am an adult she is still the same....mean I don't want to associate with her anymore how can I just let go.?
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How do you make a verbally abusive husband feel he has no control over you anymore?

by leaving him and staying in you mom's place.


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