I am a woman moving slowly but inexorably closer to middle age, and all of my life so far I have lived in a state almost impossible for normal human beings to imagine.

Those around me awake from sleep and rise from alpha-waves into the beta-waves of a healthy brain in the interest of moments of everyday living. Connecting with each other. Loving. Occasionally getting angry; often feeling guilty. Remorse; compassion; empathy. Emotions of CONSCIENCE.

Not me.

I am a psychopath. I was diagnosed by a clinical psychologist in Upstate New York in the year 1992. The diagnosis is still on my official records.

I don't have beta waves very often; when I do it's rare, ecstatic experience.

My usual odd hybrid alpha-something-else waves reflect a horribly uncomfortable mental and physical state I call "static," a restless, aimless agitation that craves stimulation but has no sense of purpose, keeps me from sleeping but saps my energy and makes me lethargic; sometimes I am tempted to use drugs to alleviate it, but the people I live with won't let me obtain illegal substances.

I am on legal medications, and they do help a great deal more than I thought: I recently ran out of several at once due to a clerical error and went off the rails. So, they do help.

I have seizures but not all that often; sometimes I'm on meds for that, too.

Legally, I am considered disabled in both the psychiatric sense (a surprise to me!) and the physical sense. Most of the physical disability has to do with brain damage and other nervous system damage, autonomic and peripheral. I have trouble with motor coordination and control; I cannot yet drive. When certain technology becomes available for cars and is approved for use by people with such problems, I'll be able to drive, but only if my psychiatric condition is then under control. Among other things, I have to be able to react fast enough to respond to anything that might suddenly develop on the road. And going into "road rage" is a danger.

Regular therapy cannot help me; that part of what is commonly said about my kind is true. It is NOT true that NO therapy can help us!!! It just must be very specific and very carefully designed.

I was floundering, and getting sicker. I was pretty much ready to end it all and was seriously planning how I'd do it, when I stumbled upon the unusual therapist whom I see now. She is not like any I have previously encountered. Her style of doing things is very different. And it seems to be getting me someplace. That, and the meds. And other things designed by those who help me plan my days, designed to try to evoke beta waves -- and alleviate that terrible feeling I carry with me much of the time otherwise.

There are other physical problems too: I have a very poor appetite, and I can't taste things very well. I get dehydrated without realizing it. I have some trouble realizing when I'm too hot or too cold. And I get vertigo attacks, killer migraines, and if I stand up too fast, my blood-pressure, which is low, doesn't rise fast enough to keep me from blacking out. Once I strolled into my doctor's office for an appointment and got everyone all upset because my blood pressure -- which they took with two different machines, to be sure -- was 80/44!! I was wondering about the blue under my fingernails. I was cyanotic. I think I got put on Oxygen; I'm not sure.

I have a congenital heart defect, discovered during my adolescence, that, one doctor informed me cheerfully, only makes about one out of every two thousand people who have it drop dead in cardiac arrest! They had a choice: put me on meds or give me a pacemaker. I wanted the latter but got the former. That was almost two decades ago.

There is a group here called 4Lane; it has four different units. Mine is the one for serious behavioral problems. But when I started showing interest in WikiAnswers, I was commended for it, and allowed to continue.

Recently, I ran into serious trouble here, though I'm still not exactly sure how or why. I pulled out, determined never to return; but, even after being persuaded to return, I did not do so for about two more weeks.

Although I have a feeling I am likely to get into trouble again very fast, I've decided to try again anyway, because -- puzzling as this is -- people have asked me emphatically to return!!!

There are some people who value me. That is a very strange, new experience. I mean, even around 4Lane, I'm one of the shunned ones, the troublemakers. So, being...LIKED??? It is NEW!!!!

I guess I shall see where this leads.

This is completely newly-written Bio, after I totally erased my other one weeks ago.

Other comments:

Fave Color: Grey! (According to Stephen King, it's even eerier than painting something black. I also think grey clothes look sophisticated.) Fave HAIRcolor: blonde!! Fave Band: several: Professional Murder Music; Cradle of Filth (Dani the Great!!!); EVANESCENCE!!!!; Switchblade Symphony; Siouxsie & the Banshees; The Last Dance; Unto Ashes; Dark Tranquillity; Opeth; Lycia; Suzanne Vega; Loreena McKennitt; Ego Likeness; A Perfect Circle; Android Lust (Shikhee the Genius!); Depeche Mode, and more!

Other stats: I am kind of a willowy build; have slightly wavy dark-blonde hair with a hint of red; am rather pallid; and have large eyes a very weird-looking color between hazel and blue-green-grey. I don't think that's why my eyes bother people, though...