What are examples of a narcissist's behavior in a relationship?

Answer 1

Opinion

In the beginning, he is so considerate of you, and seems to understand you like no one else. He is very self assured, and this is what pulls you in. It makes him insanely attractive. He doesn't get very upset for you when you are upset. He is shallow. You feel that there is something missing in your emotional bond. You feel that you can't crack his shell. He is not interested in doing mundane things that need to be done, like changing the oil, fixing the leaky sink, etc. He is above this kind of menial activity.

Another thing that I notice is that he doesn't talk about childhood experiences. He does however tell of all of the mean people that did him wrong. He is eternally the victim. No matter how much pain you have experienced, his is always greater. When you fight about anything, he will accuse you of the very thing that he is guilty of. When he has done something really wrong to you, and you find out, instead of soothing you, he will just get angry at you. He may seem to ignore you for awhile, that is because he has found narcissistic supply somewhere else. This could be a woman, a co worker, a friend, anything to feed his ego. When that runs out, he will be back to you for more supply.

These people are like aliens. They have trouble keeping jobs, because they can't get along with people who have a mind of their own and who are in charge. They cannot tolerate being an underling. They have no friendships that have lasted. They are irresponsible with bills.They will argue about the smallest thing forever. They lie about everything from what their Dad does for a living to denying their cheating.

He thinks that every woman wants him, when in fact most are rolling their eyes at his ridiculous behavior. He works on himself not the relationship. Examples of this are going to a gym, taking extracurricular classes, playing an instrument. He will cry about things, but your tears mean nothing. They annoy him. If you are involved with one if these monsters it is said that they cannot change. I spent 14 years of my life dealing with this kind of relationship, and I am just now realizing how nice it would be to be with someone that cared about my feelings and helped in the relationship.

I have finally lost the attraction to my narcissist. I read every thing I could about Narcissism, and it all clicked. When you get the facts, it takes the mystery and attraction away, and you can smile again.

Opinion

All the narcissistic info pages online are very vague and every site has the same checklist. This is such a great question because the Narcissist Checklist and Traits don't cover ANY examples. Here are some: He'll get himself a sandwich or something from the fridge and not ask if you want anything. You both just went jogging and he'll grab a bottled water for himself. When it comes to Birthday and Christmas gifts, he's horrible at them! If he complains your computer chair is broken and doesn't like sitting in it when he comes over, you might find yourself getting a new chair as a gift! Cannot see the actual problem in an argument but only hears the words you say and uses them against you. Very, very hypocritical. Do as I say, not as I do mentality.

Example (this is made up): Say he throws a very large rock at you. It bruises you, hurts you. Your dependent self forgives him. A few weeks later, you are the one in the wrong. You throw a tiny rock at him. It barely makes a mark and he makes a HUGE deal about it! Shows you the little pink mark on his skin, possibly breaks up with you or gives you the silent treatment. How could YOU do such a thing! You are horrible!! Never mind what HE did. You will be 'bringing up the past' or 'shifting the blame of what you did onto him' or 'trying to make him feel bad when you're in the wrong.' he cannot see that he did the same thing he's mad at you for! He's not careful with your belongings, your body or children! You might hear 'I'm sorry! It was an accident!' A LOT. Lots of accidents, because he just doesn't care about anything that isn't 'him'.

Any small criticism is a huge deal! He'll argue about anything and everything and blame YOU for 'always arguing'. He is the type of guy who will come over to help you when you say you hurt your back and after rubbing it for a few minutes, want to have sex. Might even say 'Can you rub my back now?' He will forget anything and everything you do that is helpful or nice. Bend over backwards to make him his favorite dinner and it will be too cold, too hot, too spicy or he will have already eaten.

Save your money to buy him something expensive he's always wanted and the first words might be "Did you get this on clearance? Someone give it to you?" or"I don't really like these that much anymore." They have bad credit and incur bills that they avoid, try to avoid or don't feel they should have to pay. Never co-sign on a loan with a Narcissist. Ever. They can't stand any minor inconvenience or discomfort. If they are hot, they will open the bedroom window. Cold? They will turn up the heat. In the same night!! Catch them in a lie or doing something they don't want you to know about? They will be SO angry at how you caught them and how you went about it and how you are so horrible for doing it.

Talk is cheap and their actions will show they love you, if you are lucky enough to find one who knows how to love. They'll have no problem dropping $100 on themselves and then telling you that they are broke, can't take you out or only have $10 left. They won't remember your schedule or events in your life. Ask you out to lunch on a day you can't go. They will ask for suggestions on dates or weekend activities, turn all of them down and do what they want. Later, you will hear how they always decide and plan everything and you don't do anything! On the way to your house, he might pick up a milkshake (for himself) and walk into your house drinking it. He might even offer you some. How nice is he! Wow. Make sure to praise him for being so 'thoughtful'. If you're sick, hurt, injured, you'll find he is busy or doesn't come around as often.

If he provides a skilled trade or service for a living, all his customers who come to him for his help/service are "Idiots" or not as smart as him. Eating a hamburger and fries? He will tell you how awful your eating habits are as he munches a health bar and then a week later, he's at the drive thru, getting 2 burgers, fries and a milkshake...for one. The song by Katy Perry 'Hot and Cold' is a great example of a narcissist too. They are Moody! By this point, you have gained weight since you met him, and he'll definitely notice and tell you. You'll be depressed and think you're crazy, possibly because he tells you that you are. When you try to break up, the withdrawal is so terrible that the only thing that makes you feel better is...when you get back together with him.

Has NO boundaries or limits. If he gets to sleep-in the next day and you have to get up for work, he will keep you up late, wake you for sex in the middle of the night or won't care if you get to sleep. The core trait you will notice is how utterly selfish they are. Look how many times he uses 'I' in his online dating profile if that's how you met him. If he has a myspace or facebook account, look at how many photos are of him, compared to family, friends, events, activities. The BEST advice I ever read online regarding Narcissists and what to do if you're dating one? "Run away like your hair is on fire." I never forgot this.

Swings from idealization to devaluation.

While idealizing the partner, the N will be kind, gushing, obsequious, loving, attentive, happy, etc. When the N begins devaluing the partner, the N will simultaneously begin to idealize ANOTHER potential partner. While being kind, obsequious and loving toward the new idealized partner, the N will become cruel, deceitful and manipulative toward the now devalued partner. The N always begins new relationships before ending old ones.

The N views the devalued partner as sub-human. Someone who not only deserves to be abused, but one that the N is entitled to abuse. You are a piece of property to an N when you are devalued and a gift from god when you are idealized.

The N will be mentally cruel to the devalued. They will say awful, hurtful things that no one would ever believe they would say. They present one face to the victim (Mr. Hyde) and a completely different one to everyone else (Dr. Jekyll).

If the N discovers they are on the verge of losing the devalued spouse and there is no immediate replacement for the spouse, they will change their behavior abruptly and PRETEND to idealize the spouse temporarily to keep them in the relationship. As soon as another potential replacement/victim comes along the N will brazenly devalue the spouse again and the abuse cycle starts all over again.

The N is always looking for someone better.

While being idealized you can expect gifts, breakfast in bed, any kind sex you could want, agreeableness in everything you do, encouragement, loyalty, nurturing and attention.

When being devalued you can expect to be lied to, cheated on, stolen from, back-stabbed and manipulated.

You cannot stop the cycle. It will happen again and again. There may be days or years between the idealization and devaluation, but it is inevitable.