What are some funny Little Timmy jokes?

Answer 1

1. Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One, the rest are true!

2. Q: Why is an astronaut like an American footballer?

A: They both like to make safe touch-downs.

3. A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city." "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

4. There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight. The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas. The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes. When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her. "That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right. He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool. Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

5. A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, no, Senor, I must stay in the USA! Please!" The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence." The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and says yellow?"

6. Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

7. Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

8. A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

9. In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

10. On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

11. On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

12. Adam was the only man in history who wasn't able to use the "Haven't I met you before?" pickup line.

Answer 2

she showers with pantene (shampoo) but i use watermelon to keep me clean.