What can you do if you are in your 30's and a 17-year-old boy says he loves you?

Answer 1

If you continue to let him think that he is in love with you then you ARE hurting him. The best thing to do is to walk away. Explain to him that you care for him too much to let him make such an important decision this early in life. Good luck. Why on earth would you assume that I am 'continuing' to let him think he loves me? I know teenagers are prone to crushes. But ask just about any teenager with a serious crush and they will swear that it's love, that they are not too young to be in love. It's near impossible to make a teenager understand that he or she is too young and inexperienced to know what love really is. I just want to discourage him without making him feel rejected. But he is very persistent. God, he's even jealous of my male friends!! I'll admit I am flattered by the attention. If only he were about 10 years older... But as it stands I feel more maternal toward him than anything else. I'd prefer to simply let his crush run it's course and hope some cute little cheerleader or something catches his eye. But who knows how long that could take? So what I need is advice on how to discourage his advances without hurting his feelings, or embarrassing him. Older guys I can handle quite well, but I've never had to deal with an infatuated 17 year old before. (I didn't even care for 17 year old boys when I was 17!!!) You can have GREAT SEX with a 17 year old!! You ARE letting him think that there is hope if he continually makes advances at you. Hurting his feelings now is better than breaking his heart later. You can HOPE that a cute little cheerleader comes along, but that's a big IF. What if another 30 year old comes along and does have "GREAT SEX" with him? Do you think that would be in his best interest? I know that a 17 year old can in fact experience real love, but real love is a mutal thing, not an obsession with an older woman, which sounds like is the case here. Here's my advice...hurt his feelings - better now than later when he has missed out on several months (or years) of his life waiting on you. Anonymous: you certainly are self-righteous! Do you think twisting my words around and acting like ~I'm~ doing something wrong is really being helpful? I'm not 'letting' him do anything! Aside from being nice to him, I've done nothing to encourage him. He's infatuated with me and all I want is some ~CONSTRUCTIVE~ advice on how to discourage him ~without hurting him or embarrassing him.~ You must be a very cold person to be unable to offer no better advice than simply to 'hurt him' - for his own good, yet! I don't believe there is not a way to handle this more tactfully and gently, I just need to find it. And to be honest I don't care if he finds a 'cute little cheerleader' or chooses to go out and have 'great sex' with another 30 yr old woman. ~I just don't want to be the one responsible for hurting him.~ You seem to think that if ~I~ hurt his feelings, it will prevent him from moving on to another older woman. Interesting logic. Perhaps a more compassionate person has some advice to offer? Or better yet: has anyone else had to deal with a delicate situation like this? How did you handle it? Any young out there with some advice to offer? If it were you, how would you prefer to be treated? What would it take to convince you to let it go? And regarding the other anonymous reply about 'great sex': I just can't see what a teenaged boy would have to offer a woman twice his age. Sure, I like younger men. But the key word here is 'men.' Not 'boys.' But if teenaged boys are your thing, as long as they are legal, then more power to ya! BE HONEST WITH HIM. IN WHAT SITUATIONS ARE YOU IN WITH THIS YOUNG PERSON THAT HE WOULD EVER THINK THERE WAS A CHANCE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. HONESTY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST POLICY. YOU SAY HE IS VERY PERSISTANT. IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE HE HAS A LOW SELF ESTEEM. IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ARE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT FLATTERING YOURSELF. IT WILL NOT BE DAMAGING TO HEAR THE TRUTH. BE A RESPECTFUL ADULT. DIRECT AND TO THE POINT. PERHAPS YOU LIKE PLAYING GAME. IT SOUNDS AS IF YOU ARE VERY IMMATURE. NOW DID THAT HURT? If I were playing games, Liz, why would I care if I hurt his feelings or not? And, sure, I am flattered that he finds me attractive. It is an ego boost for a woman my age to know that she is attractive to younger men. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. However, it would be counter-productive for me to let him know this. I've no idea why he seems to think a relationship would be possible. I've never done anything to encourage him aside from being nice to him...and I've known him since he was nine. I do know that his father thinks the whole thing is amusing. He's been no help at all. But then his father is a jerk and I shouldn't have expected otherwise. I don't know his mother; his parents are divorced. But, I know I wouldn't be very happy about it if he were my son. School starts back up this week. He won't be around so much now. Maybe he'll get distracted? Thanks for the catty remarks, Liz. They're soooo helpful. I'm asking for advice and trying to avoid hurting someone's feelings. You, on the other hand, are making nasty remarks, and you say I am immature? Say what you will. I will obviously have to figure this one out on my own, because all I've gotten from this site have been insults and dubious advice. All I asked for was a suggestion about how to avoid hurting a boy's feelings. (Regardless of the state of one's self-esteem, I can't imagine rejection would be pleasant.) Such cold, bitter women... or perhaps jealous? Thanks, but no. From now on I'll get my advice elsewhere. This was obviously a waste of time... If you are reading this, please don't let a few rude responses dishearten you. MOST people who take the time to answer questions on this site make a genuine effort to help. Even if an answer is wrong, their heart is in the right place. I think it is admirable that you are concerned about the boy's feelings. Seventeen is such a miserable age, you're not a child anymore, but you're not an adult either. I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for anything! I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. And I can't believe his parents haven't said or done anything! I think I would probably just let his crush run its course. He may think he's in love, but the sentiment is obviously not returned; so it's not love, but infatuation. And I'd be willing to bet that he is well aware of the fact that nothing will ever happen between the two of you. He's a kid, but that doesn't mean he's stupid. I would continue treating him well, but ignore any flirtation on his part. If he's very assertive, you could simply tell him to knock it off or even just laugh it off - not in a condescending or insulting way, but as if he were just kidding around. How about subtly reminding him of the age difference? Ask him how school is going. Offer to help him with his homework. Bake him some cookies. LOL Let him see you doing adult things like paying bills, balancing your checkbook. Try to do 'mom' type things. Make sure you demand respect from him for you AND your men friends. Maybe do some things teenage boys think are deathly dull. Listen to classic rock. Tell him in great detail about the art museum you visited or other stuff like that. Try acting maternal or parental. It probably won't take long for him to lose interest if you start reminding him of his (or someone's) mom. If THIS doesn't work, you may need to reevaluate the depth of his feelings for you. Who knows? If he's to young for you now, maybe in a couple of years... Well, I'm not making light of the situation, but things can often change in unexpected ways. A big difference in age isn't necessarily a bad thing. One of my closest friends in high school ended up marrying a man twice her age and they are still together. Another friend of mine has been living with a woman old enough to be his mother for about ten years. He's very happy. I think her son is about his age. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. And let me know how things work out! Why are you still seeing this kid? Why are you allowing this crush to become such an issue? The poor kid probably has some kind of Edipus issues and you are only making it more difficult by allowing your relationship to continue. Cut all ties with this kid. He will heal and find someone more appropriate to crush on. I just strangely came across this website by accident and realized I am in the same situation. I can tell you that someone at that age can be in love. Although as they grow up, that may change as it does with many high school sweetheart situations. You grow apart. At the age of 32, I had an 18 yr old tell me he loved me. Although, I didn?t want to admit it, I had feelings for him as well. I had my nephew living with me and this was his friend. With spending a great deal of time with him, I came to care a lot for him as well. I was not sure if the feelings were just motherly or if he was looking for a mother figure also at first. I also thought that it would die off in time. He seemed to hate every man I dated and of course I knew why but did not change anything. Eventually, the feelings grew stronger for both of us and now, it?s been 2 years since we have been together. I know you will all think I am sick! Of course no one knows the situation and now he is in his 20?s and lives with me (boards with me as far as anyone else knows). We both know what people would think of us both in our personal and professional world and have made the decision to keep it to ourselves. Obviously, we both know it is wrong and fought it for a long time but we do love one another and of course have no idea where this is going, if anywhere. He does not want to end it but knows he is not ready for more than what we have now. With the age difference, at my age now, I am thinking I need to end it because I want to get married someday. I do not have as much time left as he does. Although, I could not marry him now, we have talked about maybe the age difference not being so bad when we are older. I mean Demi and Ashton are doing it right! If you let it continue, you may be in my position, if you are strong and make sure you make it clear that nothing will happen and continue on that path, I am sure it will be better in the long run. I can?t say that I regret what I have done but it certainly has been a very tough run and whenever we think it is time to be over, neither of us seems to be able to handle it. I think back to the days when I kept telling him that it won?t work and it?s not possible, and I wonder, ?Why couldn?t I be stronger?? So, I am a very confused person trying to not give advice, just letting you know the things that we go through and you could too if it elevates. I also want to tell you that I do love him and don?t? know how we will handle it if/when it ends. It is true that a 17 year old can be in love...so can a 12 yr old. The point is that you are in your 30's and the target of the affection. It is time that you move away from him...if you really wanted to. The point is, as you said, you enjoy the attention. If he was 25 or 30 and was in love with you...would you keep him around so as to not "hurt him". You know you would hurt him more if you continue not making the relationship you wish concrete. Even if that means moving away from that person. The alternative would be to mislead someone for the sake of enjoying "the attention". ANSWER: The first thing to decide, as impartially as possible, is how responsible and grown-up you believe him to be. The next issue to consider, is whether you could love him, or are attracted to him. If the answer to both considerations is positive, then go ahead and enjoy a relationship!! Provided that both parties are sexually and emotionally mature, age need have nothing whatsoever to do with love. My mother has a friend in Oklahoma who has two sons- both boys enjoyed several exciting, passionate and VERY fulfilling relationships when they were in their mid-teens, with women who were in most cases more than old enough to be their mothers. In many cases, they had babies with the women concerned as well, who all grew spectacularly fat when they were pregnant and loved every second of it! But in all of these cases, all parties involved really did have a deep and genuine love for each other and also had the emotional level of maturity needed to handle their relationship. They also knew very well what they were getting themselves into, and remain committed to each other's and their children's welfare even though they are not together as lovers any longer. Admittedly, this is a very unusual quality to find in young men who are so VERY young, and can be accounted for by the fact that both are highly intelligent, very mature lads whose mother is a highly acclaimed doctor. If, however, you are NOT attracted to the young man, and / or if you do not believe he is sufficiently mature to be able to cope with a relationship with an older woman, then it's equally important that you don't get his hopes up or lead him on. There are several ways of halting his interests that will not cause him anguish or acute emotional distress, but the best and kindest way is to say that you are currently going through your own set of psychological or emotional problems at the moment, using your age difference to put these problems down to events that occurred in previous relationships which have left you with personal problems that you need lots of space and time to resolve. Two things are important here- make it plain that it's going to take you a long time to sort the difficulties out (maybe years), and that whilst this is happening, there is NO WAY you could face entering into another relationship. Also, appeal to his growing sense of grown-upness to say that if he really DOES love you, and wants what is best for you, then he will respect your wishes and position, and not seek to force you into a situation you cannot face. If he is anybody worth his salt, then he'll accept your wishes (however sadly), not push the matter, and also begin to feel a sense of pride and self-worth at his ability to be selfless and behave like an intelligent, mature man. In the event of his accepting this position BUT still wanting to remain friends, even offering to act as an emotional support for you whilst you are dealing with your 'troubles', DON'T disallow this unless you really can't stand the sight of him! If you like him, and can enjoy his company, play along with it for a while- two things could well happen if you do. The first is that this process may well help him to mature and cool off some of his passion- he'll get to know you as a person rather than as an ideal, with all your real-world foibles, tastes and small faults, which will probably put his idealised image of you into perspective and eventually to reconsider his interest. The second thing that might happen, is that he may well grow on you the more you have to do with each other! Even if you were'nt initially attracted to him, you may become so the better you get to know him, so that maybe after six months or a year, you may be ready to accept a relationship with him after all!! == == That is just like Desperate Housewives!!! When Gabby has an affair with John, she is in her 30s and he is in high school! But that is a tv show and not real life...

Sounds to mee like you want to deny it, but deep down you have feelings for him, even though you know that it's wrong. And you deny it yourself. If you have sex with him, that's when he'll become attached, and you'll see what its like for an infatuated teenager to be really attached, right now, he can get over you *snap* like that. He'll BELIEVE he has a chance while your single, he will try his hardest, once your taken he will give up.