Seek God and counceling. If that does not work, do the right thing.
You need to not rush into anything, sit down and think, who can you imagine spending the rest of your life with? Is this other man just a fling, are you happy in your marriage? These are the things only you can answer. My advice would be to stay with your marriage, and try and make it work, as chances are the other relationship would not have lasted long anyway.
This is a huge question that will impact your whole life. If you are not yet contemplating divorce and remarriage (or at least cohabitation) you probably will be soon. I can't tell if it is unrequited love, or if you actually have an "in-love" relationship with another...if it is one-way please know that it will eventually dry up just as a plant without water will eventually die (this assumes that you want to water your marriage instead). But if this is an mutual relationship with another, then you have a huge decision to make. Have you thought about the "ripples" that might come once you have decided if you stay or go?
Let's say you stay: Will you then resent your spouse for the remainder of your life because of your missed opportunity at bliss? Will you become an empty, bitter person because of it? If you have children, will they learn this from you? Will you be able to keep up a good front? Or can you make an honest attempt at real intimacy with your spouse, becoming once again vulnerable to them, letting them know that you need more from them and that you've been tempted to have your needs met elsewhere? Can you go through the heartache of rebuilding and reparation to make a stronger marriage? If you have children, this will show them that love can indeed last forever, and that it's something all of us have to work at...
And if you go: How do you know that your new love won't go the same way as your first love? Can you be assured that the same "rift" or emotional separation won't repeat itself in your new relationship, and cause you to find yet another new love? Are you prepared to learn of the inconsistencies of your new love? Are you willing to put your first love through the trauma of divorce so that you may pursue your new love? If you have children, are you prepared to explain to them that marriage can last forever, but only for the few certain people who have it all together? Or will you explain to them that you want them to be happy, whatever the cost?
I am writing this because not even a year ago, I fell in love with someone other than my wife. I'm not sure I had been in love with my wife for 3 years at that point. I had this same decision to make. As a Christian, I couldn't bring myself to "forsake the wife of my youth" so I had to stay. So we (it was mutual) decided that we had to stop all communications with each other. And it has been at least 6 months since I've spoken with her last, but the plant has not yet dried up. I can still remember the things that she would say, still experience the feelings she made me feel. And although my wife and I are going through counseling, I'm not much closer to her than I was before. But I have to keep on working at it. One day I will learn to be intimate and share my inner feelings with my wife, like I did with my loved one. For all I know, you could be her. If so, know that I miss you dearly, and remember our agreement.
Regardless, please think about who you really want to be, because what you do determines who you are.
Ghostdog
Are children involved? How well do you know this other person? Are you just bored in your marriage and this new person excites you?
Ghostdog,
What you just said is exactactly how I feel in my situation. My situation is one-way and it is eventually drying up just as a plant without water on his part. But for me it is going to take along time to dry up. And you are right. The "ripples" no one is prepared for. There is a lot of hurt, anger, sadness, emptiness, and overwhelming feeling of loss.
It is hard to let go of someone you have feelings for. Its even harder to realize that they don't feel the same way for you, even though they told you in the beginning of all this that he did have feelings. It is extremely painful to realize that "it wasnt meant to be". And that it is time to let go and work on my marriage.
It is hard to put up a good front. It is hard not to resent my spouse. And it is so hard not to let others see how unhappy I am inside and how empty I feel inside.
IT is hard to love someone and face this kind of delima. Its even harder love someone when they don't love you back, but he has taken everything from me that I was willing to give. He took what he wanted then slowly phased me out of his life.
I will never get over what he has done, nor will I ever forgive myself for risking so much for so little.
Good luck to you.
I am married but have been in love with someone else for 25 years...my first love. I reconnected with 2 years ago. There are some people you never get over, or forget. They remain in your heart forever. Sometimes that plant never dries up and dies. It cant......
you try and remember why you loved the person you are married and stop playing it stupid. If you truly honestly loved your spouse you would not "fall in love" with someone else. It could also be lust or want (you love something they do that your spouse does not do or give you, talk to your spouse about this). talking is the only solution to any problema nd without communication your marriage is doomed from the start! SO TALK!!!
think about it
My advice to you is let the other guy go.
IF you have children especially save your marriage, and let him go. If he has children let him go. Nothing good will come of this if you are both married. Someone will get hurt, and I don't wish that opon anyone.
I am married, and I fell in love with someone else. I reconnected with my first love in high school. We were both married, both with children, and had an affair for several years. It continued until just recently when he couldn't take it anymore.
I have to tell you, he ended it. And it hurts more than you can imagine. You cant tell anyone, you cant talk to anyone, you have this pain that people would say you deserve, but no one deserves this. Neither one of us meant for it to happen, but it did. We reconnected at a class reunion. Talking led to emails, phone calls, meeting in hotels, etc. We were both living double lives. But...
I had deeper feelings for him than he did me. It was love to me, and many times he told me he loved me too, but I don't believe it. I didnt see what I should have seen along. I believed what he told me, I believed the things he said. But once the fun, the excitement ended for him, he was done with me. He says he loves his wife. If he truly loved her he wouldn't have done anything with me. I don't think he ever loved her or himself either.
You need to end this. If there is no future, end it before people find out, before innocent people are hurt. Before you lose all respect for yourself.
I lost a lot because I thought he was it for me. Because I thought I wanted a life with him. But if he is having an affair with you, obviously he is missing something from his marriage, just as you were. If your marriage can be repaired, worked out, do it. If he cheats on his wife/girlfriend with you, don't you think he would cheat on you too?
He will. And he will break your heart.