What do you do if your partner tells you after a year of living together that he does not plan on a family in the next 5-6 years?

Answer 1

(All advice is generic and incomplete of necessity. Apply as fits, and use your own brains.)

Detailed CaseI am in a sticky situation. My love which I moved for from the East Coast and lived with for 1 year, has strongly avoided any future plans together (family, kids, etc.). He says he wants to be with me, he loves me, I am in his future, but doesn't know when - for sure not in the next 4-5 years, and he says he can't promise me anything if I ask him to be more specific. No kids in the next 6-7.. We are both 30, generally happy, healthy, educated. I love him and I am willing to wait until he figures out what he wants, and haven't had any abandonment issues with him until now. We had a big argument and I told him that even if I wait for him that long, by the age of 36 I may not be able to have kids. He said he understands, but can't promise anything. It's really hard for me to stay now with him and act as I wasn't hurt and disappointed. I am afraid if I move out, he would treat it as betrayal, if I stay I am afraid I could hardly act normal as before. Has anyone had similar experience? He's not ready, can't promise me anything, but doesn't want me to go out see other people or move out, because that's gonna hurt him and he's gonna leave me for sure..

[Comment:]That sounds like a threat. His love for you seems to be very egoistical: He wants to keep you but he doesn't want to take a risk to make you happy. And since he DOES want to keep you he doesn't want you to meet others where you might meet someone closer to your heart, either.

What should I do?

Basic line: you want kids, he doesn't. How did you ever get together in the first place? Did you just assume that if he loved you, he'd also want to have kids? Did he pretend that he wanted kids? Then you should leave him, unless you love him very much AND change your mind about kids. Here are some aspects that may help you change your mind:

• People only yearn for what they don't have. When they get it, they sometimes realize that it would have been better if they had tried to AVOID it.
• read the "Guys who actually WANT kids.." post

You've got to confront this. Hopefully you can do this together: try to get him to talk about why he wants to wait--what is he feeling? What is he scared of? If you two can't do it alone, you should try counseling. But if he refuses, then you need to confront this by yourself, which probably means moving out and perhaps breaking up. I'm sorry, that's painful, but you've got to do this for yourself. What he is doing is completely unfair, and extremely selfish. He is thinking only of himself, and if you both are going ot have a life together, that is unacceptable. Is this the person you want to be with? Is this the person you want to be the father of your children?

WHAT IS UNFORTUNATE IS THAT YOU MOVED IN WITH HIM. THE WHOLE PROCESS OF DATING IS A TRIAL PERIOD TO SEE IF THE TWO OF YOU ARE COMPATIBLE. ALL OF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED WELL BEFORE YOU MOVED IN WITH HIM. I DO NOT BELEIVE THIS GUY IS BEING SELFISH BECAUSE HE IS BEING HONEST. UNLESS HE TOLD YOU ORIGINALLY THAT HE WANTED THE WHOLE ENCHILADA. YOU ARE IN A PICKLE. MY ADVISE TO YOU IS CUT YOUR LOSSES WHILE YOU ONLY HAVE INVESTED/LOST/WASTED 1 YEAR INTO THE RELATIONSHIP. NEXT TIME ASK DIRECT QUESTIONS. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER & THAT YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME GOALS.

Don't live with someone unless you're sure they want to spend the rest of their life with you. It causes way too many problems. Get married before living together, and make positively sure you want to be with them forever before marrying. And if you do, don't look back. Don't have the attitude that if it doesn't work out you can get divorced, because that attitued can cripple your relationsip.

Guys who actually WANT kids of their own impulse are few. Though I LIKE kids (I'm a guy), I don't want any. Here are some reasons why:

• Overpopulation. That alone wouldn't stop me from 1-2 kids, but it would stop me from more.
• Commitment. Though I hold to commitments I choose myself, I avoid and flee those that are forced upon me. I hate it when I have to do things I don't like.
• I like kids NOW. A kid's voice or even wail rings sweet in my ears, since I seldom hear it. I'm SURE however that it would annoy me instead if I'd hear it every day for hours.
• Kids aren't dolls. They're not just fun. They're bound to cause quite a bit of pain and trouble. With some bad luck, they can cause extreme suffering with very little joy (stillbirth, disablement, dying some death at a young age you could have prevented...)
• Change of focus. You're no longer lovers (primarily) but parents. If you want to be a lover more than you want to be a parent, naturally you don't want to become a parent.
• Time issues. Kids->more work->no or little time to enjoy kids. Basically less of everything with little benefits. I like to sleep, to read, to ponder. I'm a lazy guy by most people's standards, without a regular job or profession, though with good education and intelligence. I'd need to work A LOT more, and it would probably be work I don't particularly like, or I wouldn't like the working conditions.
• I hate the rat race. To reliably earn a safe pile of money, I'd need to enter it with a bad start and do things very out of my character. I'm not competitive, except for fun. I hate hypocracy. I avoid conflicts if at all possible, but I don't duck my head. I just leave.
• I don't trust society. I hate to depend on others. With kids, my degree of dependancy would drastically increase.
• I like kids. If I can't offer them a favorable environment, I'm not making any.

Now I realize that if you have a strong need for kids, even if you'd agree that kids are not the smart thing to do, you'd still be very unhappy because a strong basic drive is not satisfied. Do they have to be your own? If not, maybe just being a babysitter for kids of parents who'd like a time-out from their parenthood will suffice. And maybe you could get a pet or two. Or maybe you could just set off the pill, though you run a serious risk of losing him. You may even do it with open cards: "I'm not on the pill anymore. If you want to sleep with me, you'll have to chance pregnancy."

Another thing: before you make this a "do it or scram"-issue you should first check if you're even fertile. Though the chances that you're infertile are low, this would remove the reason for your conflict, and he can make you as happy as you can be without kids.