What should you do when your ex-husband has been saying things to your children to make them feel sorry for him and angry with you blaming you for the divorce?

Answer

It may be in your best interest to intervene and talk to the children. I took the so called higher moral ground and wouldn't talk about certain things their father had been talking to them about and it bit me in the butt. When things went court, the kids had only heard their father's side and not mine, so they only knew what he had told them. When they talked to the parenting coordinator, they told her what their father wanted them to tell her, as they only knew that side. Now, I explain clearly my side. I try to be extremely careful to explain there are two sides and that what I am telling them is my side. I also try to be as honest, without exaggeration, as possible, but I will never allow my ex husband's voice to be the only one the children hear. Sometimes that is not in the best interest of anyone...

Answer

I can imagine that this is one of the most frustrating and infuriating situation one can encounter. My sister-in-law had the same problem. She opted to take the higher moral ground, so to speak. She talked wih th kids and explained to them as best they were able to understand. That daddy was very upset right now, and says things he doesn't mean. Just like they say and do things they don't mean when they are angry and hurt. Her ex is still a jerk! But her kids love and respect her more for not putting down their dad.

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My ex-husband does this very same thing! I grew up with a mother who put my dad down constantly and guess what? Today I am closer to my dad than my mom! Whatever you do, DON'T say anything negative about your ex in front of the children. They will love and respect you more for the rest of their lives if you simply tell them that dad is saying those things because he is hurt and he is angry, but IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT - really reiterate that! And keep the communication lines open with the kids - tell them that they can talk to you about anything and that you will not betray their confidence. If those communication lines are open you will be able to nip you ex's little comments in the bud! If you beleive in God, pray for your ex-husband and have your children pray with you for him - that is the absolute best way to bond closer with your children and fill them with trust and security. Take care and God bless.

Answer

Don't make a big deal out of it...or it will get worse. Don't "defend" yourself or say anything bad about your ex.

As them how they feel when their friends do that to other friends.Then ask them if they beieve what their friends that do that tell them. Remind them that people that are angry,jealous, or insecure, sometimes say things that are not nice. Good time to remind them it is always good to trust what you see from knowing a person , than to believe what you hear.

Hopefully you have taught how to respond........"I am sorry you feel that way, but I do not like it when you say bad things about people I know/love when they are not around."

Present answers that are general, not directed at your ex. Deal with your children and ex separately. Do not react to the ex by calling to discuss it ...this is just a immature attempt to start a fight by ex. No response = no battle. Attempts at alienating a spouse are generally not successful. In the long term, the child loses respect for the parent.

Answer

What if it is too late? My sister's ex is being investigated for embezzling. The police told her that he would be arrested eventually after all the investigations are completed. My sister thought it would be best to be honest with the kids so that when it happened they weren't completely surprized. It has been two years and the investigation is still ongoing. The kids now are calling their Mom a liar, and are saying that she is the reason why their Dad can't keep a job. (Because he has to pay maintenance-she does not receive any money from him because he cannot keep a job). So my question is where does she go from here? The kids are defending their Dad and yelling at her all the time. They do not help out around the house. She is working very long hours to try to keep the house. She has tried to get them in counselling but they refuse to talk when they get there. They are 10, 14, and 17.

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