What would you do if a monster was about to eat you?

Answer 1

Throw up on him to ruin his appetite. Most monsters think in terms of freshness as do all predators. If you throw up on him, he will think that you are spoiled. Spoiled meat will give monsters indigestion and gas, and if you think that monsters don't have social lives...think again.

Just as you do not want to be gauche in public, neither do monsters. It is most distressing to be at the Monster Ball and have belches and gas. The monster's date will most certainly be just as particular as human dates. Therefore, most monsters will pass on a meal that appears spoiled.

If you have the time, you might consider using the Paris Hilton defense. Since this celebrity is certainly spoiled past redemption, a good Paris Hilton imitation will certainly do the trick. Just be sure to have a tiny furry animal to carry in your purse, and a wig. It will help the impersonation if you wear little clothing and are very skinny. Skinny meals remind the monster that he needs to go on a diet himself, so he will forego any meal that is spoiled AND too lean.

It pays to plan ahead when dealing with monsters. Most people tend to have an affinity to certain monsters, so learn about your particular monster in order to be prepared. Just like the under the bed monster or the closet monster, effective measures to control him/her/it should be taken. Learn your preventive measures in advance so that this particular scenario will not arise.

I cannot comment on monsters in general but I have an intimate knowledge of the fiercest monster proved to exist. I am secretary of the Loch Ness Monster Protection Society, and although this information I am about to reveal is classified, I feel the general public should know the truth. The Scottish Tourist Board is just a front for the protection of native Scots. Nessie, as we affectionately call our local monster, has a particular taste for human flesh so we must protect the native Scots who live on the shores of the loch. By setting up a (Tourist Board) we can draw in packaged meals for our monster without putting the locals at risk. The natives protect themselves by using HP sauce as the monster cannot stand the condiment. Breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and supper (especially a fish supper)are slarried with HP sauce to deflect the monster's attention. Please keep this information private as the Scottish Office is closing in.

A bit of additional research indicates that the infamous Swamp Monsters of the Southern US have a similar dislike for the scent and flavor of sauces like HP. Down in the Louisiana swamps, the local lore recommends a big swig of A1 sauce coupled with a much bigger swig of Tabasco to create a big Southern belch for gassing in the face of the monsters if ever confronted. Then run up wind and don't stop until you hit dry land. This is one reason so many of the Cajun recipes include lots of Tabasco sauce and gas producing foods like red beans and rice to accompany each meal. That leaves you prepared at all times to only need to take a small swig of the A1 (keep some with you at all times in the swamps) just in case you need to eructate on some Swamp Thang. It seems that monsters may be more alike all over the world than ever considered....more research should be on-going.

As mentioned above the "under the bed monster" can be very tricky indeed. Having long hours to stew during the day, waiting for just the right time, to snatch the curious kitten, or the unsuspecting puppy during the daylight hours for a quick snack..but always longing for a good sized meal to fill his ever empty belly. You have to know all the tricks to out smart those clever ones. Many people realizing they have the horrid creature living under their bed try all kinds of different things. Sweeping him out, the old vacuum him up and toss him out, and of course there is always the flash light trick. Some really desperate people try Vapor rub all over their body.. hoping the smell will offend him. But that isn't his weakness. He hides under the bed because he can't go out. He is afraid of a Tree. If you get this balm, Balm of Gilead, and rub it on your feet, hands, and some on your neck, the smell is perfectly pleasant to humans, but to monsters, it's horrid he will be so repulsed! The smell will ooze over the edges of the bed, and sneak around and surround the monster before he is aware of what is happening.. First he'll vomit and then flop around dizzy, and unsteady for a spell, when he finally has gotten his nose pinched, and while holding his breath he'll proceed packing straight away! Get ready, all the banging and slamming that a mad, sickly monster makes when vacating the premises is impossibly loud!! The sounds of him packing up his belongings and groaning and moaning out loud during the night can cause quite the fright, but don't worry, he is only going to keep you awake. He is nolonger hungry! He just wants to find a new home to hide in. So, by morning the "under the bed" monster will be gone. It's a small price to pay. The balm is made from the resin of the tree he hates!!. Then your puppies, and kittens can roam without fear of what is lurking under the bed...

Some monsters have very specific remedies. Take the Chinese or Hungarian vampire as an example. These creatures want to prey on the innocent but can, traditionally, be confounded by their love of counting (You thought the Count on Sesame Street was a character, he was actually bit of how-to for kids!) If pursued by either of these critters drop a large bag of of rice or poppy seeds. They won't be able to pass it by without counting every seed. Vampires as monsters are well discussed in literature. Take for instance their fear of crosses. This simple cure works unless you are confronted with Jewish, Moslem or atheist vampires.

The atheist vampire can be a tricky situation in particular. Since this vamp can't be confounded by Christian, Jewish, or Muslim means, one needs a clever strategy. One that is proven particularly effective is to have a copy of one of Sagan's books handy. Since the atheist vampire has a religion (of sorts), Sagan is one of the great philosophers of the movement. S/he will immediately stop to admire the work and launch into a paean of praise to the late writer. This gives you time to make your escape. This also works with the books of Stephen Hawkings, or Joseph Campbell. Be cautious when using Campbell though...when the vamp finally realizes that Ole Joe disproves his/her existence, they tend to explode rather messily. The under the bed Monster can be discouraged by cutting the legs off your bed.