Why are feelings of guilt and self-doubt so strong when one tries to get rid of their abuser even though one has had enough?

Answer 1

It's called Battered Women's Syndrome:

Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships.

There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:

1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.

2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.

3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children's lives.

4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

Abusers make the woman feel guilty by making her feel like it was her fault. He creates self-doubt because it is a tool to make her stay, or make her feel she can't do better than him, or can't survive without him.

AnswerPeople tend to become attached to their captors. The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage can show signs of having feelings of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered person syndrome, rape cases, child abuse cases, and bride kidnapping. The strong sense of guilt and self-doubt is just part of the experience of leaving--just don't act on it to the extent of staying in your situation. Overtime, it will fade, once you have left the situation. AnswerSelf-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with an abuser (and a choice it is). Constant guilt feelings, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus � self-punishment typify the relationships formed between the sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent mate or partner. AnswerBecause the abuser has made you feel guilty about anything you do that doesn't make him happy, so you can't help it. Also it may be because you feel you have failed to "save" the abuser. I think that is why a lot of women stay in abusive relationships; because they want to help that person and get them out of abusing, but it almost never works. The best thing is to change your phone number, where you work, and where you live. If you can't change your work or where you live, at least change your phone number. And no matter what, don't talk to him. If he needs to tell you something have him talk to one of your friends and they can decide if you need the message or not. If you talk to him, he may convince you to take him back and that is a bad idea. AnswerI think this relates to the our (the abused's) feelings of failure at not being able to "please" this hard to please person. I think some of our self-worth may be caught up in the idea that if we can win the love and affection, and please, this very difficult person, than we must indeed be OK, worthy, attractive, etc. AnswerThe person being abused (victim) is all too often experiencing post-traumatic childhood abuse. This is a vicious cycle. They are still trying to please for the sake of approval, acceptance and above all, love. Somehow the victim blames him/her self for the abuser's unhappiness and, what would happen if the victim actually left the abuser for good? They would become total failures again, as in childhood. Since the victim believes that if they cannot please their mate, then they are "just not good enough" and that is the ultimate pain to have to bear. AnswerThe "good" qualities of the abuser are the ones that a victim thinks about after leaving the relationship and becoming lonely, and wonders if they gave up on the abuser too soon. "He is so good to me sometimes, maybe I over reacted, maybe I didn't give him a chance. I think he really wants to change." We can't change anyone but ourselves. Victims like to think of themselves as "special" to the abuser as well. And that their love for the abuser will move them to change. "He's just never had anyone love him the right way before." If you don't know what your boundaries are before you become intimate with someone, they will adjust them for you. AnswerBased on living with an abuser for five years, I think the feeling of guilt and self-doubt stems from the fact that the abuser projects a very "nice" and "charming" personality at the "honeymoon of the relation". We tend to refuse to accept the facts we get from living with the abuser later on. Why? Because, each of us believes he/she is a unique person. We store in our memory that the "charming" abuser loved us for our uniqueness. We struggle to keep this idea. We tend to accuse ourselves, not the abuser for the difficulties arise in the relation. To sum up, we feel guilty about the abuser's inability to see how unique we are. We need another chance to let him/her see our uniquness- that will never happen. Answer"Why are feelings of guilt and self-doubt so strong when one tries to get rid of their abuser even though one has had enough?"

I made the mistake of feeling sorry for my abusers. The very moment I stopped feeling sorry for them my eyes opened to the truth.

AnswerBy motivating through feelings, (feeling are unending and always change), as in right now I feel guilty because ...There for I will climb back in bed with ..., A person negates their experiences. Guilt and self doubt are but two feeelings. Taking account for all of the feelings that have come up and motivating with a well rounded account of ones feelings is something to learn how to do.I am learning & can say that it takes practice. Just last night I spoke to a friend that had gone through a N/abusive relationship with a woman as I had with a man. We managed to chat about our situations during the past three years. All in all we both figured it out. I asked him how he finally dealt with it & did he get real sad? He said he did get sad but then when he finally realized that the person had a problem and he did not need the pain in his life that is when his decition became clear and not burdened with seemingly leaving the woman high and dry. When he said this I smiled because that is exactly what finally came to me.

If you have developed a pattern with a person where the buttons of guilt and self-doubt are right there on your forehead blinking red and saying push me_ imagine the lights dieing out, fizzeling & then peeling them off or just give your head a shake and let them fall off. Check to see If you are uncomfortable with out these sensations or feelings. If so you are doing good! Take some good sized breathes, It helps taking a bath and going under to check out how good it feels to breath. Feel the life and energy you inhale as wonderful white light. Let this light travel through your whole body.

Change is uncomfortable.I call it getting off the hampatrail, turning into the animal of ones' choice and explore, roam, graze climb,dancewild,run...Do something with the imagination besides imagining you have something to be guilty about or continuing to reinforce the wires of a rabbit cage.

So why are the wires on the cage so strong, why is the hampstertrail so well oiled... because You havn't decided to deconstruct the cage and you have made the decition to reinforce a habitat that you "FEEL" is the only one that exists for you.

Second guessing yourself and your feelings is a result of long term abuse. That is because you have become used to a world where things don't make sense. Consequences don't really match actions. You have the right instincts to leave and as you live without abuse over time, the past situation will become clear to you. Then, you will be amazed at your strength for changing your life for the good, based on what you did. Any guilt and self-doubt will vanish.

Answer 2

Because were unable to change the situation you feel like a failure, when it wasn't your fault.

AnswerBecause he did a good job making you feel guilty in the relationship as though his abuse was your fault. Even if he admitted it at times that it was his fault and that he was sorry he was not genuine. He was only trying to futhur manipulate. So with that kind of treatment it only makes sense that the guilt would continue when you leave. You have taken far too much repsonsibility for a parasites behaviour. Once you become stronger you will reach a point where you think I dont care if what I did that time or this time was wrong I did not deserve to be abused! In time you will be able to put in more in perspective. AnswerUnfortunately, this is a common effect on the victim of the abusive relationship and is part of what is commonly called "battered wife syndrome." The victim of an abusive relationship will, before finally giving up and leaving the relationship, blame themselves and have an immutable and unhealthy hope that the relationship will get better, perhaps if they are a better person and lover to their abusive partner. When they finally can motivate themselves (or have a friend help them to finally act) to remove themselves from the abusive relationship, this transmutes to feeling of guilt for giving up when they could have worked at it to make the relationship better (even though they may rationally realize there was nothing they could do to save it, and the relationship was not healthy for them).