Why does an abusive partner say you talk too much about the problems you have and say he's tired of talking about it yet he always brings it up and what you have done wrong?

Answer 1

Thanks so much Marcy. I have finally come to realise that He will not ever empathsize with me. I have no other choice but to let him go. It hurts like hell but what I finally see is that if hes in my life, I will ALWAYS be in pain. He rejects me, belittles me, plays major head games and has become physically abusive. This is not natural to have this pain in my life. Just when he admits to his behaviour, he will try a different tactic. I cannot do it anymore. I also see now that I cannot make him think of me in a certain way or help him to see the light. All he wants is control.I am 35 years old, good looking, alot of men like me not too brag..lol..but I have a great personality. Hes 50. I don't know what has changed in me but I feel I will enver meet another man I love again. I love this man so much. BUT the misery outwieghs it all. I am done with himThanks again.

I'm posting again on top in hopes you will see this message.

The reason you can't figure him out is because abusers are so screwed-up in their own minds it's like being in a 3-ring circus with them ... you CAN'T figure them out and who cares! They are cruel, miserable and just plain mean to the bone and it doesn't matter at this point how he got to be this way (he was like this before you met him!) YOU move on and let him figure himself out. My first husband was a mental/physical abuser and even when I moved into my own apartment he would phone or sneak into the apartment building and bang on my door. I went right down to the Apartment Managers Office and told him to "do his job" and not let just anyone off the sidewalk walk into the building. I explained the situation I was in. Thankfully he was more alert as to who was sneaking into the building. I refused to answer my ex's phone calls (long before call display) and if I picked up the phone and heard his voice I'd just hang up. Of course it enraged him, but the more I stayed alone in my apartment and the more I was out working and around other people I just got plain angry at him and refused to let him control my life! The last time he called I told him I had reported him to the police and that if he ever called me again he'd be seeing me in court. He didn't hang around long enough to figure out if the law would permit this on the flimsy grounds I had against him.

It appears you still need approval from him. You are frightened and I can understand that. You still feel you can't quite let him go just in case you need to reply on him or just one more time see if you are doing something right in his eyes. You have to be honest within yourself and realize that he's instilled this need in you. You are quite capable of making it out there in life although it may be a little tougher because you won't have as much money and you'll be counting on yourself. It seems frightening to think that one is forced out into the world and (especially the average woman) and make enough money to support herself. It doesn't matter if you live in low-rental housing for now, as long as you become more independent and it gives you an opportunity to better yourself in order for you to get a good job and support yourself. When you meet a nice guy further down the road you should still retain your independence. You MUST disconnect all ties with this man or you'll never move on.

I am so very proud of the fact you are going to a therapist. The therapist will give you the opportunity to let out all the anger and rage you have been harboring for a very long time, plus give you tools to strengthen your character and become more independent. I know you feel it's a painful and long process, but it won't take long for you to get the message that you did nothing wrong and that your mate should be seeing a therapist! Of course he never will. When you meet that nice guy in the future you'll snap back just fine and have a good life.

I want you to realize that you are doing something to improve upon yourself and you will do very well in the future, but your mate is doomed! He will never be anything more than he is. A bully, useless, has a yellow streak up his back a mile wide (picks on women) and will NEVER know the peace of a truly good relationship. Once you leave him he's forced to go onto another relationship and he'll start pulling off the same old habits with the next woman in his life. One day he's going to meet his match! I'd love to be a fly on the wall! LOL

You are doing everything right, but PLEASE, cut all ties of communication off now!

I wish you the very best of luck and I know you're heading for a great future.

AnswerBe sure your mate is abusive first. Perhaps you talk about problems a little too much instead of making a good solid statement about a problem and asking for his advice. Once he has given you advice either take it or leave it, but you are really in control of the decisions you must make to resolve problems in your life (we all do.) If's he's just plain abusive then you know he doesn't have an understanding bone in his body and it's best to discuss your problem(s) with a good friend.

Abusers seem to blame their victims for everything and anything and most of the time the victim has done nothing wrong. The abuser wants to control their victim by playing mind-games and telling them one thing and contradicting what they just said in the next breath. Abusers are vindictive, arrogant, selfish, and complete controllers. They know they can't get away with this behavior out in the public (at work) so they take it out on their spouse behind closed doors.

It's obvious you can't communicate with him so you are going to have to take some time to yourself and figure out if you want to live with this person. It's unlikely you won't be very fulfilled with him and things will get worse. Don't be afraid to free yourself and fly because there is a good future out there for you.

Good luck

Hi Marcy:

Thanks. He ended the relationship last night. He said he doesn't want to be friends. then to be friends. I am so confused and my spirit is crushed. He told me he don't wanna be friends cause all i talk about is the relationship. He wont even give me a chance. Its normal to wanna discuss this as it just happened. He also put me through hell and I allowed the physical abuse. He told me I'm crazy and need counselling. He then proceeded to try and choke me. He then held me down. He then called me names. He then dumps me then comes back admits he playing games and doesn't mean a word. So of course I would want to make sense of this. He said its my fault.

AnswerHi hon

This guy is a plain no good abuser! You have known it for quite sometime. Abusers play mind-games to control their victims. They know that their victim can feel fear of abandonment and also the abuser had made sure to brainwash his victim (YOU!) You did nothing wrong!!!! When people have problems in their relationship it is healthy to communicate and want to talk about it. You are right and he's wrong!

NO ONE should hold you on the ground and try choking you and then come back as if nothing happened. The next time you may not be so lucky. It's time hon for you to make a plan, find a friend that can help, and leave this guy. There are Abused Women's Centers and if you can't find one then phone your Mental Health and they will give you that information. You need to find a "safe place" from this lunatic. Yes, that's right ... he's a lunatic and he's going to hurt you a lot more if you don't get out of this relationship.

Trust me I say that once you leave him, get some counseling and back on your feet you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. This experience will only end up making you a much more independent and stronger young woman. Go for it girl and fly for the stars! I did!

Good luck hon

Thanks Marcy. I appreciate your insight. I am just getting back to feeling normal. He made me think I'm nuts. He even said he thinks I record our phone calls. I just am struggling by the hour to get my clear mind back. I cry then feel numb. I saw a counsellor today she said hes trying to make me think I'm crazy. She said I'm not at all nuts and I'm seeing him for the abuser he is. She said hes trying to brainwash me and this latest dumping happened right after (day after) I decorated my house and he sounded mad and refused to see it EVER!! He has a way of ruining every good thing that comes my way. He says I'm weird. I have nightmares when he put his hands around my neck. And he says I'm weird!!! I know I am just at the point that either I go ahead and get back to myself or go back to him with a life of misery. There is no in between anymore. Hes bent on destroying me for some reason I cannot figure out. He said we cannot see one another cause he thinks I like him too much and hes afraid we will have sex. Yet then he plays all these games and admits it later. My mind spins.But the good news is that as each hour goes by I'm getting more free and clear and in time this will be a distant memory. I am doing the right things. I just hope and pray I'm strong enough to not answer the door when he comes around as he will. I think he enjoys this torture.

AnswerIt may be that they're a control freak and are being defensive. Control freaks like to pretend that things are fine and perfect and often don't like to have things pointed out to them that show up problems, things that are wrong or make them feel inadequate. They will often push away people who tell them things they don't want to hear.

Control freaks can often regard people talking about their problems as a form of emotional blackmail, and will react as though they are being pressured. A control freak's characteristics are usually that of a very giving, very patronising person who is quite guarded about their own feelings and doesn't believe in talking about things. They will often belittle because they feel intimidated or feel a need to downplay the issue through any excuse and will often pick on a person's faults in order to do so.