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My Narcissistic partner did the following; forced me in to an abortion, hit me once, pinned me down on the bed, gave me that look, proposed constantly then forgot about it the following day, kept everything shrouded in secrecy, told his friends lies about my current occupation or work status to make HIM look better, told me not to wear those clothes, repeatedly went on and on about brunettes considering I am a blonde, flirted with my older sister and told my cousin that he loved her at a family function, told me that his hobby was to look at people and I should stop making a fuss about his wandering eye, he would leave to go to Another Country and in front of me deck himself out in an entirely new wardrobe and not even offer me a small keepsake, forget all and every single valentine, birthdays! what birthday!, anniversaries or any of the sort, have hundreds of female 'friends', have inappropriate photographs taken with other women and show them to me, could barely choke out the words I love you, gaslighting on several occasions, constantly looking over my shoulder, I began to have serious anxiety attacks and preferred to stay home even though I am very sociable by nature. I have alienated all of my family, friends and barely cracked a smile in three and a half years. I have had countless moments of "breaking down" at work or with anyone who showed concern, embarrassing myself to the point where I would have to leave a job or be fired. I have woken most mornings feeling off balance, confused, sick to the stomach, black, depressed, walking on auto pilot. He would tell me that he was envious of my jobs, and the competitiveness between us became unbearable. Who looked the most attractive today? Who received the most attention? I became like him! God help me I am free and can't stop smiling as I know IT'S NOT ME..IT'S YOU, YOU IDIOT. Why does it last so long? Because who wants to admit that they aren't wonderful people deserving of love? Who can fathom that another human being does things intentionally to hurt the ones that they love? So, you stay and then you can't breathe and soon he is breathing for you. You feel that there is something terribly wrong, but you can't put your finger on it. Trust your intuition and run for your life.

Answer

At the commencement of the relationship, the narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings ? the most total form of rejection there is.

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die ? we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we feel objectified.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him. Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them ? however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions. This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed ? imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of loss ? the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. It can be focussed and directed at the narcissist, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself ? which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.

This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a truism and a (tedious) clich鮠He is no longer omni-present and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal.

To overcome, it is useful to sit with your emotions. This takes time and it might mean to slow down and well feel what's happenig. Often the denial stage can keep us in such a cage that we never get to the rage or sadness so that we can recover. Instead, and understandibly, it feels like we can carry on because to believe that we are victims or have been abused is certain pain. This especially if you considered yourself to be an intellegent person. It is a shock. I know for I have been on this merry go round for some time. What I'm beginning to understand is it will take time and to give it time. And to sit with the emotions. Otherwise they are still with us. NO one is worth that. No one deserves to be a prisoner of such pain or misery of deception. So surrender to the feelings of sadness and rage and perhaps we can move through them a little quicker and easier. And then live the life we really want and deserve.

Answer

It's true that FULL ACCEPTANCE of your N as someone who is mentally ill is the key to recovery. Once you give up any delusions that your relationship could be better "if only"...Once you accept that he is truly ill, you can then, and only then, begin to feel compassion for the man. (This does NOT mean you should try to reconcile. Pity him from a great distance.) Feel proud that you discovered the "real" person he is. Feel smart that you will move forward with knowledge you never had, and a relationship with another man of this type will not happen for you. You are FREE.

.... Imagine this...... You have been suffering with cancer for X number of years.

It's been a long hard journey. You've cried in pain & abject despair often...

Yesterday your doctor rang you... "Hello, Just to let you know there's been so good news, you no longer have cancer, your tests are conclusive it's all gone".

When your narcissistic partner/lover/husband clears out of your life, the cancer has all gone & with it the pain & the abject despair. And now you have a new lease of life. Don't you feel good....??

Your narcissist is your cancer, lethal & uncaring.

Remember that & Your New Life Will Start Tomorow Morning Because Now You Are Cured!

xxxxxx Long & Happy Life xxxxxx

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14y ago
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14y ago

Time and a lot of patience. The pain I do not believe ever completely goes away. There is always a sting. But as time goes by it gets less painful and you become more aware of future potential Narcissitic people and you learn quickly to avoid them at all costs.

I try to assist in here to help others avoid my pitfalls with one nasty Narc. Evil monsters aren't they! But I survived and so will you. Best wishes for you......

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Q: How do you overcome the pain of narcissistic abuse?
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