Why would a husband cheat on his mistress with his wife?

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Come on you guys. Think about this for a minute. We already know that prostitution is considered the oldest profession. We also know that no matter how much we want it to stop, there will be no end to it as long as men are willing to do whatever they must to get sexual gratification.

So the question I ask is, which came first; the prostitute or the mistress? Perhaps it's that when a man couldn't find a mistress to accept him on his term he became willing to pay? Who knows.

Before anyone gets up in arms about what I just said, let me tell you, I am a mistress too and no, I don't consider it equal to prostitution. The reason I made this comparison is because I believe that men will always find a way to fulfill their needs. I'm only just myself starting to understand that it has to do with their egos and for some, they believe sex is love.

I didn't entrap him. In fact, if anything it was the reverse. I didn't know he was married and didn't find out until many months after our relationship had begun. Does he still sleep with his wife? He says he doesn't but I'm not sure that I believe him. He tells so many lies and I turn a blind eye to them. You may ask why.

He fulfills certain needs for me as well. I am a single parent and don't want an ongoing relationship with anyone. I like my independence but at the same time there are times a person needs companionship. He is going to my company do with me. He has been there for me when I moved, he paid to have my car fixed when I couldn't afford it and I paid him back. I get no monetary gain for being his mistress. What I get is the feeling that someone is available for me if I need him in times of crises...and he has been.


He professes his love for me and I believe he truly thinks he loves me but if it came down to having to make a choice I don't believe he would chose me. He has too much to lose. His kids are grown and have their own families but he has a business and I know if his marriage ended, he would likely end up on the "outs" with his adult children as well. I don't fool myself into believing I will ever be anything more then a convenience for him. But he is a convenience for me as well.

The whole point of this dissertation is that as a mistress, don't fool yourself into believing that you are anything more then a convenience. If he wanted to leave his wife, he would have done so before he met you. If you accept being a mistress to a married man, it means you also accept everything else that comes with that. Those things include the lies, the sneaking around and accepting that you will always be number two on his list of priorities. Know that he is quite likely still sleeping with his wife even if for no other reason that to supposedly keep suspicion at bay. Don't kid yourself into believing that you are his one and only and that one day you will be together and live happily ever after.

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I dont consider a mistress as someone you cheat on. The only person deserving any respect is the wife. He married her, not the mistress. He does not love the mistress, he uses her. Once hes done with her he will find another mistress or devote himself to his wife. He may even (happens in alot of cases) fall back in love even more with his wife as he realises there are no better women than her. The mistress does not get any respect and nor should she. She is tacky and cheap to break up a family. She settles. She should find her own man and leave him alone.

I think there are two possibilities:

1. your soon to be ex-husband still loves you even though he has made the sad decision to leave you for another woman.

2. He could be addicted to sex. This is not a totally uncommon disorder. I actually know a few men with this problem. They are into porn books, videos, sound bites, strip clubs, and women other than his wife. He still loves his wife, but he had a problem that is bigger than love.

Also, there is a chance that he truly loves you, and he is feeling that new excitement over this taboo relationship with his mistress (which always makes it seem good, and fun, and exciting). He will probably leave his mistress as well once the new and taboo feeling wears off with her and he moves on to a new and exciting taboo mistress. 9 times out of 10 a man or woman who cheats will cheat again.

And finally, he is not cheating on her with you. You are his wife. PERIOD! Although he has made the sad decision to leave you, he probably still loves you, and in turn likes being near you.

I hope your life after him turns out better. good luck

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He likes the affection and intimacy with you, and craves the "excitement" an illicit relationship promotes. OR He enjoys sex with a variety of partners, and this is what keeps him from being bored.

Either way, while his treatment of you has been deplorable, he really doesn't "love" this other woman either, or he wouldn't have kept her dangling in the wings for five years. He has used both of you. Get a divorce and get rid of him. He's a serial adulterer.

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I am a mistress and I imagine that the man I sleep with sleeps with his wife as well. He tells me at least once a week that he has stopped sleeping with her, but I am not inclined to believe him for the obvious reason that if he lies to his own family, he most likely lies to me as well. However, to answer the question, a husband would cheat on his mistress if she no longer provided the utility for which he originally employed her as his mistress (under the assumption that he can cheat on his mistress at all - it implies exclusivity and if the man is still married, he is not exclusive by definition). I agree that most people who cheat when they are young have a higher propensity to cheat again, but I like to think that when people grow older they become tired of all that stupid crap and just quit it. I do not cheat on my married lover, and though it makes no logical sense in a way, it remains the only shred of honor I can gather to protect feelings for a man I sincerely love.

Sincerely, Someone who has done this only once and searched out this website on google.

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In some cases a man or woman who is cheating will continue to treat his or her spouse or lover the same as always to avoid arousing suspicion.

On the other hand, think about it, he's getting sex, most likely all he wants, whenever he wants,from two women. He may just have done because he could.

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This is one of my favorite questions as a woman who has served in both the role of mistress confidante and wife. As a mistress I've spent time with men who told me about their families with a love and tenderness I never questioned. As a wife I have watched a fine and generous husband drift from my own visible restlessness to a younger woman with a sultry accent. Why do we all take part in these complicated irresistable pairings? I've decided that I cannot hold male mating partners to a higher standard than I hold myself but I also cannot assume they will always descend to a lower one. By which I mean that everyone wants more than whatever it is that they have-- even if the wanting is never enacted. Most of the time we search out something that is different than what we know simply because of the excitement that curiosity inspires. I've learned more about men I thought I understood and loved from other partners than I have from the men themselves. In the bright light of contrast. Things you take for granted, don't even remember that you know about someone become visible. In a mysterious way we learn to appreciate qualities we never knew existed in one partner as a result of experience with another. So in closing, I don't believe it is arrogant to say that my current lover is more deeply fascinated by and susceptible to his wife because of his adventures with me than he would be without them. I set him up to cherish her because, by being something that she is not, he can really see her again. She was his original pick, his highest value, and she should remain in that role. I love him although I am not in love with him just as he loves me within the frame of his love for another... we are deep and abiding friends. I wouldn't want him if he was determined to place me in a wife position and he would be miserable with a permanent female mating partner like me. But as we are-- on the terms that we adhere to-- we are closer to each other than is ever acknowledged in these kinds of relationships where boundaries are so clearly defined. So why would a husband cheat on his mistress with his wife? Because his mistress reminds him of how wonderful the woman he married really is and the complicit nature of the mistress relationship ensures that he needn't give either of them up. 2 and 2 equals 5 in these cases. The sum is more than it's parts.

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ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER. HE WAS HAVING HIS CAKE & EATING IT TOO. HE WILL FIND CAKE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

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I personally have been in both positons, the wife and the mistress. Currently I am the mistress. When I was married my husband had several mistresses but our sex life never suffered. To this day I don't know why he cheated. I know he loved me but I also know that he was not ready for a committment like marriage. Eventually I grew tired of his infidelity and I also lost respect for him as a man. We divorced soon after. The man I have now I've been in a relationship with for over two years. He still has sex with his wife because he has told me he does. This man has a extreme case of obligation to his wife. I know he loves her but I do not believe he is inlove with her. I also know he is inlove with me. He has been married for about 18 years and his wife has been there for him when most women would have left him. He does not want to hurt her. I believe he stil sleeps with her because of this. He and I were bestfriends before we ever became intimate and he told me alot about her and his marriage at that time. Also they were seperated living in different cities and still are. He still lives in my city even though his wife wants him to come back home. It is a very complicated situation. Basically this man after being seperated from his wife for four months feel in love with someone else. He did not lose any feelings for his wife he just feel in love with someone else. I'm sure at times he feels close to her due to the sheer amount of time they've been together and they also have two sons together. She desperately wants him back. I can't say what descision he'll make but I know for a fact that he is inlove with me. For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress please don't. Wait until you know what the situation is first before you judge. I am not some homewrecking, seductress. I've been there before and I don't get any joy out of hurting people. This situation is a bit different, but now I do love this man very, very much.

M.B.

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All I have to say is: If you are sleeping with some one that is married and has a family of his or her own you are a dirtbag-plain and simple. Go out and find some one that you don't have to wreck a home to be with. That is the most despicable thing you can do to a person (ruin their family). True, the relationship was probably in trouble long before you arrived into the equation, but why involve yourself with someone that would just run out on their family like that? That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Trying to start a relationship with a person who has proven themself to be incapable of fidelity. Slap yourself!

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it's probably because he doesn't think that he's cheating. he hasn't left his wife to be with you, so why should he not sleep with her? He has to play the part of husband so the easiest way to do that is to keep his relationship with the wife as normal as he can.

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I'm a husband and a father with 4 kids. currently i'm having an affair with this woman that i do really love. i love my wife and tried everything to be equal. my other wife (don't want her to call my mistress because as much as i'm concerned i didn't treated her that way) has a son also and i took care of this 14 year old kid. they were both left by her ex husband to another woman.

building a relationship is not that easy nor not very easy to let it go just like that. in my case until now, i'm trying to fulfill my obligations with the two women and with my kids including my 14 yr old kid. i know and i'm aware what will be the consequences. but to tell you all you readers there that though for me every year that past which is getting more difficult, doing things impossible to others but for me i can still do it. as years goes by my primary concern are already concentrated with the children and of course for both of the women i have relationship too but now responsibility for my kids counts most. not for sex, not for self satisfaction, not for me but for my kids. most of you out there will never ever agree with me that i still cheated and i don't deny that. i'm only human and i committed mistakes and just to make even to these mistakes that i caused is my resposibilities to all my love ones. i'm now hooked up with this kind of scenario in my life for the past four years and i'm still doing it. now my other wife has this italian american courting her, i cannot stop her if she wants to be with this man. as i said to myself, all of these kind of situation was created because of me. i love her very much but when it comes to deciding for their future, i want them to decide and not for me to influence them. all i want is the best for my kids that i can give them all the love that a father can give. for my first wife. she still the same and i still love her also. as i said many of you out there will say i'm insane but remember do not say anything unless you also experienced what i am experiencing right now and that will be very impossible because we will always have unique experience when it comes to having relationship. follow your heart and just talk to yourself what you really want. i already decided what to do in my life and for me i never ever felt sorry for what i had been through. i may not be a good husband or partner but i can say that i've been a good father to my kids. . . .

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Some men just need to have more than one woman on the string. In my experiences they are unhappy (without knowing it) and are looking for something, but it seldom has to do with another woman or sex. Then there are men who really think highly of themselves and it simply boosts their egos to have more than one women. In the end, the men lose out and while their buddies who once spured him on and laughed at his conquests had found someone they loved and either spent more time with their girlfriends or got married. You have to feel sorry for these Casanovas; either they can't really help it or they just don't get it.

The other posters explained this well, but I am one lady that "doesn't share my man!" I'm loyal to my husband and I expect him to be loyal to me. So far so good. My second husband and I have been married 33 years and I'm proud of it. There is no magic in this, just luck. Dating or marrying someone is a great gamble in your life, but one chance worth taking if the man is all the things you've ever dreamed of.

My ex had a roaving eye. I really don't care what his excuses are (cheating to me, has no excuses because it's plain self absorption from the person cheating with no conscience about their mates feelings no matter what the reason.) He did have a mistress who had the gaul of phoning me up and stating that we should get together "woman to woman." I am not into these games, and personally I had enough of his cheating, and knew if he cheated on me, he'd cheat on his mistress. I told her, "Come and get him!" My ex's eyes fell out and rolled across the rug. I think he figured two women would be fighting over him, and as I said, I just don't go there. Once he cheated I knew I could never trust him 100% again. I left him and I never looked back. He did try coming back into my life, but I knew it would be a bad decision. He did cheat on his mistress, but later married her and word has it they have two daughters. I really do hope he grew up and he settled down. When I look back on this it seems like a dream, but not for one minute have I regretted leaving him. Now I am married to a wonderful, caring man who doesn't play games and we have a peaceful and loving relationship.

Never waste your time on a man/woman that continues to cheat. Anyone can make one mistake, but after that it's plain stupidity. The grass on the other side of the fence is not always greener!

Marcy

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Maybe because he "CAN". Maybe he gets some thrill knowing he do what ever he wants with you and STILL "have you" when he wants! Maybe it's not about you or her, Maybe's it's all about him and his ego!

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First of all, the husband is not cheating on his mistress with his wife. The wife is being cheated on with some ho. The mistress is nobody and if any mistress out there thinks the husband doesnt still sleep with his wife or anyone else for that matter they are crazy. He will not leave you for his wife unless he is really over her. You are not first with him. The wife is. You are the one he hides. The one who is there to please him and make him feel good. I cant believe this question was asked. I hate women who sleep with married men and then to ask why would he cheat with his wife? That is disgusting. I hope your heart gets broken by him. You selfish dillusional weirdo.

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because he is a narsassit self serving dishonest man that feels he owns the women that give him attention - he is insecure and will go back to the wife if she allows him - women that forgive men who cheat are at fault - its not a forgivable action and should have consequences for such an action - its a deal breaker - do not allow the man to blame you for his cheating or return to you to once again later down the road do it again because now he knows he can get away with it - and remember he has no respect for women -

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I have been in both situations. Either way, it is never your position to babysit a grown person's marriage or conduct. As an adult, you are responsible for your own actions. As a wife, it's very easy to become over emotional and over run with hate for "the other woman" to justify staying with someone who hurt you. It's always easier to stay when someone else is to blame. As a mistress, you ARE the one who is hidden. You ARE NOT above being treated the way he is treating his wife. If you can accept being "the other woman" and always being in the shadows without a name...then that's your decision. Please just do not let yourself get blinded to the fact that the cheater does have a problem and it will not be solved simply because you have come into his life. Point being....you already know there is another woman "his wife" and you have accepted sharing him. So, if you get married, he knows you have already "approved" of his behavior. He cheated on his wife and the odds are in favor that he WILL cheat on you too. As the wife, it is always a good idea to keep the blame where the blame should be. HE is married to you and HE had a "contract" with you. The other woman may not know about you, may be lied to about his situation with you, and is simply NOT responsible for your spouces behavior or your feelings about it. So, the blame game is just a waste of your energy. Besides, before you pick up the phone and call the mistress to yell at her to make yourself feel better, make sure you are prepared for the mistress to not be this horrible monster you've thought of in your mind. Make sure you are ready to hear what she has to tell you (if you are questioning her about the relationship). As the mistress, if you receive the phone call from the wife, understand that she has a perfect right to be upset. However, ask yourself why you are answering her questions...is that serving either of you well or is it just going to hurt one of you more in the long run? Wife's...ask yourself why he told you about the mistress and how to get in touch with her (if that's what happened). Did he set you up to place blame away from him? Did he tell you simply as a self serving way to make himself feel better? What did pitting the mistress adn wife against eachother really accomplish if he "loves" either of you? Is he capable of true love? Mistresses/Wifes, funny how they fight eachother and he get away with it, can sit back and watch the cat fight, and is not held responsible for his own actions. You may not want to let him get away with it. Women are so easily turned against eachother. What would it be like if all parties were rational and acted as adults? Please just think before you act. I had to learn the hard way and I hope some of this helps or puts things in another perspective for you.

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If he sleeps with HIS WIFE he is not cheating on the mistress but he is cheating on his wife when he sleeps with the mistress. I hope he teaches the wife everything the mistress taught him in the bed.

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What a simple question to answer, especially for me, a gay young man whose not only a man myself, but have dealt with men exclusively. And yes, a married supposedly straight man will even sleep with other men, if they find them physically attractive, and they think they can get away with it. I've been begged and offered money from hundreds of them online, but no I've never taken up on any of them. I have however slept with guys who were already in a less religiously commited relationship, after finding out after the fact. Normally I wouldn't even want to be apart of that but what can you do about liars? Anyways, to put it bluntly, men on average are not very sophisticated when it comes to sex. We are primitive in respose and behaviour as pertains to intercourse. The physical moment and excitement, in almost all cases of the cheater, is more then enough to provoke the act of infidelity,for the rest, I am sure there are other less significant psychological factors like jealousy, anguish, stress ect but the main ingrediant is the male sexual pattern. There is a mindset that men typically adapt sometime in puberty that sex is just some sort of game if you will, that must be played over and over and with new exciting players. Because this game always ends with in climactic finale, logically achieving the best climax, is the whole point of playing. Now then, since sex usually concludes after one good cum, and being with a new partner is provactively stimulating for us, why would it be such an amazing suprize that men cheat? Especially, when after time, relationships erode to the point of such contempt for one another that the mear sound of one's voice is enough to make us reach boiling point. But why do we get tired of our lovers? What is the key to making a relationship last? Well, there is nothing that you can do yourself to force the magic back into a relationship, at least not from what I can tell, so if you're really looking for someone whose going to be faithful to you then you have to find someone whose already faithful by nature, and in the world of men, and in some instances women, that is truely a rare find. Just from my experience though, I have noted that looks have nothing to do with faithfulness, and ugly men will cheat just like good looking men, when presented the chance. Here's what I look for when I am ready to try and settle again, first of all, men of habit tend to cheat less, and as boring as that sounds, if you can find a guy who lives a very pattered lifestyle chances are he will make his sex life the same. Question is, do you really want to make that sort of trade off? Well if you can find a guy whose hobbies are similar to yours then that's not such a bad thing, as long as you're willing to be just as patterned too. This is what usually ends up in the life long parnership where you see the two old people bickering with each other as if nobody else is around. Even this though, is prone to infidelity. I guess when it boils down to it, the only way to garuntee perfect sexual fidelity between two people in a relationship is to be the only two people left in existance, and assuming that there is not going to be anyone else ever. So now that I have pissed off a great deal of people, I think I'll end on this note, cheating has happened since the begining of time, everyone has been or will be cheated on at some point. Some will never know they have been cheated on, and there are some that never cheat. But for the most part, living the modern gay life or any sexual life at all for that matter has taught me this golden rule...have sex as little as possible since masturbation is cleaner and more likely to get you off, only sleep with the best looking men, and always ALWAYS use protection. Not only for you're body but for you're mind as well.

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I love the answers from the sanctimonious out there who think the mistress is some delusional 'ho while the wife is a goddess; this is not gonna be what the wife wants to hear. I was a betrayed wife and now a very content mistress (whose partner is bailing on the wife because of many of the reasons below.) Sorry to disappoint but I am hardly a raging seductress who walks about with no clothes seducing poor men away from the innocent little wife; I am an engineer (hardly sex goddess material) who happens to have many hobbies and friends and an intersting life.

Let me tell ya a little something; the marriage probably was flailing long before the other woman came along which makes his affair partly your fault. Odds are it is one of these:

1. You bore him senseless. You don't have a life outside kids and housecleaning and he needs to be stimulated on an intellectual level. You stopped listening to his stories about his job (a major source of satisfaction for a man)and chose to regale him with what happened on the soap operas and Dr. Phil instead (or worse, started yawning.) You no longer take any interest in his life, and he wants a friend. You decided not to bother with furthering your education and live on his money while you sit around and scarf bonbons. This is why many affairs start at work as emotional affairs/friendships (and when they get emotionally involved with someone else, they are VERY likely to leave you because they found a friend and companion.)

2. You stopped having sex with him. I won't even go into this as this reason is obvious but if you no longer want to touch the man you supposedly love, then he will look elsewhere. Men are not verbal by nature and rely on touch (especially sex) to convey love and you are denying him love. Don't be shocked and sniveling when he finds that outside.

3. You stopped taking care of yourself...gray hair, lack of hygiene, that extra 100 pounds that you blame on the kid you had three years ago, running around in dirty sweatpants. Don't expect anyone to be turned on (male or female) if you are fat and stinky. He does not expect perfection, just a little effort.

4. He was a man-whore when you met him, cheated on you when you dated, but you married him thinking he would change...and he doesn't. (My mistake but I was 23 and too dumb to know better.) If he was chasing skirts and you married him anyways, you rewarded him for bad behavior and he knows he has you.

There are other reasons but an affair is rarely one or two peoples' fault; in a love triangle all three share the blame.

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Excuse those of us whom seem think that you deserve the dufuss of the year award. Seriously 'why would a guy cheat on his mistriss with his wife'. That answer is simple it is rediculous. Realy, if the guy is such a piece of bottom feeding scum that he cheats on his wife, what in the HELL makes you think he should not or would not cheat on you with HER. Did he not speak a vow to his wife before GOD and NOT you. Keep in mind that he is only after one thing from both of you and unless you are a total retard you surely understand that he is getting from both of you. And chances are he probably gettin-it somewhere else as well.

You need to dump this piece of crap and commit yourself to GOD. Then and ONLY then will you understand that the reason GOD destroyed the earth in the great flood is that their EVERY INCLINATION WAS TO DO EVIL. That means that without a personal commitment to GOD and KNOWING HIS will in your life you and others are doomed to keeping going down the same road over and over again.

The answers you look for cannot be found anywhere else.

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I think the answer with the 4 listed points is quite interesting. I never thought of it that way... 3 people's fault because the wife (or girlfriend) is at fault too. I'm not sure what I am because the man I'm with isnt married but in a serious relationship that all of our friends know that he'll be marrying her. We were very good friends first and we would chat about our relationships (I've had several boyfriends while I was with him). He was always there for me like a best friend when I was heartbroken etc, then things developed. I never wanted him to leave his girlfriend, even when he mentioned it and asked me hypothetical questions like, "would you be with me if she and i broke up?"

it's true. she's not very fun in bed and have "housewife" material. all his friends love her cuz she's so nice and goodie-goodie. I have a high education and very independent with a high paying job. I wouldn't imagine myself staying at home with sweats and just carrying our kids around the house for the rest of my life. And so, maybe that's what makes me so attractive.

anyway, back on topic. the question in here doesnt' make sense. if she's "his wife"...why would having sex with her be "cheating"???? cheating on his mistress happens ONLY when he's having sex with 2nd or even 3rd mistress...and the mistress doesnt' know about it...

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Listen people, I was the mistress of a wonderful man, he had the "perfect" family at least on the outside, but inside it wasn't so perfect. I knew him long before we were dating and it wasn't suppose to have gone more than friends but you can't help for who you fall in love with. As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, in the same sense that girls can lead themselves away from married men but if they love them their hearts won't follow. Anyways his wife wouldnt have sex with him at all, they got married very young, and she had been married and divorced before, and she compared her current husband to her ex, which wasn't right of her at all because he wasn't anything like her first husband, that was her first mistake. Dont make your current husbands pay for the mistakes of those of your past. Secondly since she had sex with him for the 2 first months of there marriage then it stopped until one time after and she had there son and then a year ago when she had there daughter... his son is 5 his daughter is just now 1, big difference there lots of time without sex, he was faithful i guess i'm not 100% sure if there was anyone before me but I don't think there was. My bottom point is that a marriage can't last if you are making the other spouse pay for the mistakes of an ex, and no sex life means no marriage. Half of marriages end in divorce due to sex and the lack there of. I haven't regreted anything I did with him, when his wife threatened to leave with his kids i told him it was time for him to go, i'll never ask a man to leave his family for me.

JADE

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BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT CHEATERS DO...

IF YOU WANT TO CALL HIM A HUSBAND. HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT TITLE. SECOND, HE CAN'T CHEAT ON A "MISTRESS" HE IS ALREADY CHEATED WITH.

IF HE IS MARRIED HE IS NOT CHEATING ON HIS "MISTRSS" WITH HIS WIFE, HE IS ONLY CHEATING ON HIS WIFE..... AND HE IS TRASH! IF HE WOULD DO IT TO HIS WIFE. HE WILL DO IT TO HIS " MISTRESS" WHO WANTS TO BE SECOND HAND, SLOPPY SECONDS? AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED THE HUSBAND AND THE "MISTRESS" ARE BOTH USED GOODS �

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Jade! If you believe what he says your as stupid as you sound. He's a Liar and a cheat. The situation is some aspects sounds like my mine and my husband. The kids ages are the same and I can see him saying that exact same thing. Ha! I'm sure that is what he told the woman he left me for. This woman is 36 the last time this kind of thing happened 3 years ago which I did not realize the full extent till recently was for a 19 year old. Do not believe him he is no angel! And your an idiot for believing him.

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The first thing I think that anyone who's spouse is cheating on them needs to do is take a step back and see if it is due to any certain factors in the relationship. The anger and the hurt need to be put aside as much as possible and some self / relationship analyzation needs to take place, as there is probably almost always a 'reason' that cheating takes place.

As a wife and a mistress let me tell you a little about the circumstances I find myself in. And Let Me Say This .... My 'friend' does not CHEAT on ME with his wife, I know what we are doing is not the most moral thing in the world, but I also know his wife is FIRST in his life, I will never try to make that different and I will never never expect that his life change for me.

-On my side of the spectrum I looked outside of my marriage for the things that now lack in my home. (1)Sex, my husband went from always wanting sex and wanting to be very affectionate and loving and making sure I 'am taken care of' to 'lets do this, get it done' I very rarely get any kind of foreplay, barely and kissing and passionate anythings. 80% of the time I don't even get to 'complete.' (2)My husband has always been my best friend, but he was romantic, loving, very very complimentary, proud of himself and his self-image, he's now gained alof of weight, still complimentary to me but no longer romantic or affectionate. (3) He's turned from the man that would fall over if he thought it would make me happy to the man that could care less if I even came home. I Myself spent 2-1/2 years trying to figure out what I was doing that would make him do such a 180 and changed the things I thought could be the cause of it to no avail. -On his side of the spectrum His wife turned very cold towards him, although he is still very respectful of her and won't say much, there is so much that he says with the little things he tells me. -Now both of us are still very much in love with our spouses, I love my husband as my best friend and the father of my children. I'm sure (although he's never outright said it) he still loves his wife and he states they have a "strong relationship." But love is not the only thing that holds together a marriage. You need Love, Compassion, Passion, Romance, Best Friend, Common Interests and so on and so on.

He and I have made an agreement that we will not allow the dynamics in our relationship with eachother to change by playing / stating any of the "Love" stuff with eachother and this works very well for both of us. We've come to realization that neither of us will change our home status especially for the other one. Neither of us allow this to affect our marriages as we both still have sex with our spouses on a regular basis, we still have our 'dates' with our spouses, and as Normal as possible we lead our lives as much as normal as they were prior to the other person.

So each of us lead in essence a double life. But I can tell you this, it has made my marriage a little better, as I'm not bitter towards my husband for the major changes he has made it just makes me know that what I'm doing today is what's making me happy.

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I have to add to the answer I just posted ... ^^^^ That One ^^^^ These agreements we have made are not just for the sake of our spouses, but we both have children (5 between the two of us) and our children are what's important, and for our own selfish reasons we WILL NOT tear apart their homes.

So a man does not CHEAT on his mistress with his WIFE .... it's soooo the opposite and for some it works for others it doesn't. Do I condone it even though I do it ... NO. But it's what keeps me happy in my home and if I'm happy I'm less likely to tear apart a family for which I care so deeply.

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JADE girl...you got to start seeing the world with real eyes...i was in the same situation and believe it or not girl....the married guy is a cheat..you say you would never ask him to leave his family for you....but even if you did, try it..like i did when the moment comes, he wouldn't have or if he did....your relationship wouldn't have lasted for more than 3 months and all the misery and blames for him leaving his wife would of been blamed on you. :(

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I made my husband cheat on his mistress.... I am currently someone who's hubby has been having an affair that he refused to give up because he was IN Love with her. She knew he was married from the beginning and that he loved me and wanted to stay with his family. He just wanted an out of towner on the side. But, of course I found out and by that time She was praying every day that I would wake up and Leave him so they could be together. (her words in an email) Well quite frankly...it's not my first rodeo and no matter how mad I get...he's the father to the kids and they should not suffer unless he does something to harm them. So I started a little revenge affair and discovered I was really missing out on the romance thing! Wow...I was not pouted at, bitched at or ignored by the new penis...who also happened to be married. He told me I was beautiful...first time I had heard it in several years! I started taking more care with my appearance, lost some weight...got more attention. (Hubby still had not noticed by the way! He was to busy pouring all romance toward miss Smellodie Pureheart) Things became quite bitter there. She informed me I didn't Like sex, didn't understand true love,was speaking to his future wife, and she would never go away no matter what I did. Hubby and I own a business together and we honestly would just have to close the doors if we were to divorce and that really would affect the kids future. No matter how mad we are we didn't want the horrible battle she was pushing for. She had done everything in her power to pick apart our relationship and prove how much better his world would be with her. We found a site about how to divorce as friends that really made us think. We wanted to divorce in a way that impacted the children as little as possible. We started useing the techniques and suddenly one day he came home with flowers and said he did not want to end things yet. He wanted to give us some time to see if there was even a 10percent chance of saving things. (He was not going to break up with Smellodie, who, by this point, had an engagement ring...just not giveing her the satisfaction of jumping without a backward glance.) Now here is the cheating With your spouse part. I said, "Ok...but if you are planning on playing in both pastures...think again. You want to leave me for her...Be faithful to the astro turf? then you can start practicing NOW!" He was pretty shocked...I have always been the one who said Hey..can we yell some more afterward...you look pretty cute when your veins pop out on your forehead. I thought that maybe if he saw a taste of what it was like without the sure thing (me), Maybe the new thing would not be so worthy. I even told his girlfriend that as far as sex...he was all hers. (the new penis took wonderful care of me and I was actually very happy...sad that when hubby was here, he slept in a diffrent room, but content that at least we were not screaming any more.) Six months go by and we are getting along, calmly discussing that we would use a single lawyer and have everything hashed out before we went to the appointment together, paying bills off etc. Then it happened...he looked at me one night and said "Wow...you really look nice tonight!" I said thanks and went out to dinner with My own "she-doesnt-understand-me-or-want-me-and your-the-most-wonderful-thing-in-my-life-guy" Mistress is Such an easy roll to play if you GET the rules. You get all the sweet, flirty romatic parts...have great sex...then they go away and you don't have to deal with their bad moods,dirty socks, siblings borrowing money, credit card bills, or how unromantic they make the bathroom smell in the morning. I decided that once I get a divorce...I was never playing WIFE again. Wife sucked...Mistress was Fun! I get home and the house is clean, he has a fire going and wants to just sit and Talk...with ME? In the next couple of months, he suddenly gets home twice as often as he ever has. And he's flirting with me!!!!!!!!! Honestly...I did it to be mean to her. I wanted him to have a really hot memory of the wife he left....And I wanted him to Cheat ON HER(I would be my own husbands...Mistress!!!! while Smellodie was busy with his laundry....hehehehe.) So the next time he made a pass at me...I pretended like I had secret information that he was going to die tomorrow morning and this was his last Hooo-rahhh! Let's just say...he was moved. Every time he showed up...the kids and I made such an affair of it..."Prince AAHHHLEEEE mighty is he Ali Ah BobWahhhhhh!" Well,this Christmas eve...Smellodie is alone...He's not leaving...she's been waiting two years now...but he's here for Christmas..and she's starting to suspect that Maybe all is not working out exactly as she's planned. So she starts sending me nasty emails.(wants to be sure and make christmas as ugly as possible for me) I answer them kindly enough(but feed her fear ever so sweetly)...She says SHE'S done being nice and that he might be here this year...But She would be living in My house next year. I just showed him the emails and ask him what I should say? He didn't know she had been taunting me all this time and was livid. I could not drive a wedge between them...funny Miss Perfect did it all on her own. He broke up with her...on Christmas Day. She's still emailing ME...telling me how She is not going away and is going to do everything she can to break us up. But, he's not speaking to her! Maybe if I had treated my husband like I was his mistress all along...she would not have been able to nearly tear our family apart? Now...I do have a question. My affair is going to sadly end due to terminal cancer. He's never encouraged me to leave my husband in any way though we do care very deeply for each other. His wife has left him for reasons that have Nothing to do with me. He's alone and going to die and I just can't bring myself to dump him at this point. Just because Hubby's affair blew up...do I have to abandon someone I care about? Hubby is not forcing this issue knowing my friend is sick, but, I feel guilty seeing someone else now that Hubby is finally commited to making our relationship his priority. The logistics of cancer will very soon make the word affair become simply friendship. I am afraid it will break my heart to abandon this kind man when he has lost everything. And...if Smellodie somehow were to whine her way back into my hubbys heart after I dumped someone who was so very sick? I don't know if the ninth ring of hell would be a good enough hiding place to save the two of them from my fury. What would YOU Guys DO? I have learned so much from all of this...but on this one issue I am just stumped. This man has seen me through some very hard days. But, I don't want to blindly assume that this is OK just because it looks that way from inside the box. Any opinions?

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I'm the one up there just two answers before yours. Reading your story and your dilemma make me that much more happy to have the 'agreements' I do with the man that I'm 'having my affair' with as he and I both know we would NEVER become "Smellodie" as you called her. But to answer your question on the opinion you needed.

What would I do if this were me?!?!?! Considering you're husband and you are working things out and that you're husband is not pushing the issue of you breaking off your affair, as he knows he'd have no right I'm sure. I would take the situation like this: Knowing that I care for him (your new friend) too deeply to just walk away and knowing the end result of what's happening with him I would sit him down, explain how things are working out for you and your husband and that the last thing in the world you want to do is hurt him but that you're 'affair' has to end but that doesn't mean your friendship does. You can be there for him as his friend, you can care for him as his friend and you can be the friend he needs in this time of his life, you just can't have sex any longer. If he cares for you as much as you sound like you care for him, I would only hope he would understand and agree that it's only right for you to continue fixing your marriage.

My friend has been by my side through ALOT. I've almost been divorced twice in the last 2-1/2 years due to my husbands issues and to some people you would think 'my friend' would be elated to hear that, he wasn't he 'felt' for me and he was upset. When he heard things weren't ending he was happy for me, infact giving me advice on how to try to fix things or make things right in my home. He's told me time and time again he would feel horrible if things ended between my husband and I because he knows that although I'm not happy he knows it would still hurt, and that my children would suffer in the long run.

That's a TRUE friend, to be happy for you when you need them to be and as your part is to be there for him when he needs you.

'Tis but just my opinion but that is how I would handle it.

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I am not a wife nor was I the affair.

Long term partner their are many words for it long term girlfriend.

To be honest he cheats on both. In my case he was not sleeping with me during it. He was sleeping with her making arrangements for them to live together. All the usual things you do when you dicide you want to be with someone else.

To cut a long story short she moved in two weeks after I left. They were together. He was happy. I started over back home in a new job making new friends and all the usual things.

Anyway I go over to arrange getting my stuff. We talk things over and end up sleeping together. After a few weeks of this not the sleeping together part the talking we decide to get back together.

She is still living with him and he stopped sleeping with her.

All in all after he ended things with her was two months after he was supposedly back with me.

But I don't blame her I can't. How could I it's not her fault what happened between us that blame lies simply with him.

He wanted to be with her because she was better than me more attractive. The reason he's back with me better personality and more interesting conversation so he tell's me.

But the thing is we always blame the mistress be it a he or a she it's not their fault. Yes o.k they may know their married or in a long term relationship. But they don't make that person keep coming back that person make's their own decisions.

If we keep going around on this merry go round of blaming the other man or woman we are always going to miss the point.

The person who cheats on you is the problem not the one they cheat with. Although they would prefer if we focused more on the other person and did not blame them for the cheating.

Never blame the mistress always blame the cheater. But if they cheat on the wife or husband they will diffnately cheat on the mistress. And it dosn't matter which they are cheating on. It hurts either way and it's not worth the pain and suffering.

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when i see these endless questions on "why do men cheat?" i have to seriously ask myself about the whole concept of marriage period. if marriage or monogamy where a natural instinct why would we have to work so damned hard to keep our instincts under control? it,s ludicrous..i am a woman and over the years it is clear to me that most men have cheated ,want to ,are thinking about it or are going to given the right circumstances. that does,nt mean they don,t love their mate but just the way nature made them. nature made woman strong independent and nurturing for this reason..she ultimately cares for her offspring whilst the male continues to pass on his genes. i know we all want to believe that we are more evolved than lesser animals but in this particular matter thats not the case and never will be. marriage is an "institution..and feels like it" that has been forced on men by women in an effort to reign them in and smother that natural instinct..yes "marriage" is great , but only if both parties enjoy it and believe it is spiritually(not in a religous sense) enriching for them to be the most happy, free and enlightened person it is possible for them to be in this life,THE ONLY LIFE WE GET,. the words "till death do us part" scares the hell out of me..sounds more like a life sentence and for a lot of men thats just what it is... if 2 people can,t be together in a union of love and remain faithful because they desire no other what is the point?

marriage to me is a sham and one where the man always draws the short straw..

back to the question..yes men love sex with more than one partener..wife or mistress does,nt come into it.

women need to accept that men need to be acknowledged for who they really are, not for who they want them to be..woman need to realise that they would be much happier if they learn to respect the essence of man..it is exciting ,dangerous and i would,nt have it any other way. just as men don,t ask women to change, they are with a woman because they love who she is..not lie then the moment they have them trapped thru marriage or children..make their lives hell trying to change them with manipulation,bitchiness and sexual withholding...the most impotant part of a reationship a woman withholds is sex..then she wonders why he goes looking? grow up ladies, smell reality and find real truth and freedom. i will be strongly reproached for my veiws..but sorry i respect men as equals.

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I,m someone who has been having an affair with a married man, who quite simply was in love with me... i am his mistress.. we met many years ago when we were both married at age 23 and fell in love then...i broke up with my violent abusive partener who stripped me of very hard earned assets and i left him taking my only child. i moved away and began a relationship with another guy.

years later (18 years)i heard that this man still adored me thru mutual friends, kept item s that belonged to me as momentos still longed to see me,even though he was still married to his original wife whom he had to marry because she fell pregnant and his family pressured him to marry her. just after i left he confided to more than one person he wanted to marry me.. he had black hair and green eyes, stunningly handsome greek man, and women flocked to him and i doubt he was quite aware of just how magnetic he was.

so yrs later 18, we met again and that deep attraction was still there. my life as a mistress is lonely and very unfullfilling, the sex is great but that is only part of the life i yearn for..his children are all independent practically and he has a business that is not doing well..financially he,s deeply troubled..and his health is failing because of this stress.

i know he lies to me ,hes promised me a future together, but i have to wait..not sure why. i told him in the beginning that i would walk away rather than hurt him or his family and that still holds true , his happiness is importnat to me..and i believe that very soon i,m ending this before i myself am lost..it will be with the deepest regret..we,ve been in this for 7 yrs now..

i truly believe that we were meant for each other and i could stay in this for who knows how long?he is also my best friend.but fate intervened and sometimes life just sucks..i still have male admirers and i will find someone...but what a bittersweet relationship this has been..i hope we can remain friends for life .

to the lady whos been dealing with that bitter lady.. the ex mistress..well were not all marriage destroying vultures...i would never compromise the children of a marriage..nor would i "talk" a reluctant straying husband into fleeing his family...he,d have to really want it...yes i know if my man left her for me as he,s promised, that he most likely could,nt be faithful to me either..but i love him and i,d deal with whatever came my way...he,s the air i breathe and when i leave him it will kill me...but i can,t stay and settle for so little either.. mistresses don,t get all the good bits believe me..we get the lies and false promises..the insecurity and never knowing that is torture. i still love him, more fool me,but i can,t wait any longer,...i have children and studying a bachelor of nursing and life beckons.

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i have a friend that tells me her husband is cheating on her.. and though she is my friend i have to say i don,t see how they are still together...

he works all the hours god sends..he,s sick and struggles some days to get out of bed and go to work at all. she has absolutely no idea how lucky she is..to have someone work that hard for her...i also know she uses sex to "teach him a lesson" when she,s not happy with him instead of talking as adults to work it out. she does no housework, plays poker machines most days hes at sea and she can,t even trusted with money as she,s a poker machine addict..so he pays the bills on what little time he has off and buys the food for the weekly shop.

she has let theyre children run loose, getting into drugs and stealing..i despair that he,s even still with her...and who could blame him for having an affair,,not me..she does,nt deserve him. yes she,s my friend and it takes me all my will to hold my tongue and not say anything to her about how she has so little respect for him.... i have been abandoned by a dirtbag to raise 4 children alone..we live such a limited existence..i trying to get ahead but it,s so hard alone..i,m lonely and feel worthless. when i see women like this i get angry..they don,t how good they have it and complain to all who will listn about what scum he is to cheat on her.

if this is you, even in a small part....you get what you deserve.

What a mental Mindf*%#!!!

Oh God, who would have ever thought any of us would find this forum??? My situation sounds a bit the same, yet I'm proud to say, I'm a bit more 'enlightened'? Maybe not though....

He's the perfect man... yest she thought that too once. He's amazing to look at... yet she thought that too once. He's got everything that would stop a woman dead in her tracks...yet she thought that too once. He's wealthy, he's powerful... he's claiming we are perfect for one another. He claims no one has ever known him like I do. How pathetic when I don't even know his shoe size and she has probably bought every pair of shoes he owns (well...on his credit card) and yes, she is the mother of his 3 children. I have not slept with him, as I will not let it go that far. We have kissed, and that makes me cold with anger toward myself, as I had told myself in the beginning, which was about a month ago, that it would never happen. I went to his office one night when he said he had to come in and do some work. He told me I didn't 'have to come down', but I needed the attention that I knew he'd give me. For those of us lonely and cannot stand the feeling of wishing for the fairytale, it's amazing when you get that call (or in my case, the text message i just got calling me "hottie") and it makes you feel like a queen.

On the other hand...

I now know of the miniature 'castle' in which they live; gorgeous, towering, designed by him... and upon driving by it, I actually got angry that of all he strives to give her every day, she has taken away something from him that has forced him to see something in me. BUT... I'm no fool. That could all be a lie. Perhaps he's just telling me how bad the home life is suffering... just to be fed back a bit of 'ego-boosting-food'. Suddenly, he's going to the gym every day... do I think he's looking for other women to flirt with? Yup. Absolutely. Do I think his wife bores the hell out of him? Absolutely. Valentine's Day, I actually encouraged him to patch things up; to try to make it work.... to no avail, he said the only thing he got on Valentine's Day night was PMS. Quote, unquote.

Right now, as he is text messaging me, I am responding with short answers. After reading these stories, I am ready to slap myself. I detest women who go after married men, though I am so angry at her for telling him a year ago that she wanted out and withholding sex from him for so long. I see him as undeniable someone i would jump on every night just because he 'does that' to me. I believe that even if you are mad at someone but can still look at them and say 'I'd die without you', that's when you know you are in love. I am not in love with this man, but merely think we are a perfect match. Yet... those 3 kids he has at home will not suffer at my hand. I understand that it could all be a lie and there may be many other women that are getting the same calls or text messages. I understand and absorb that it's bullshit, especially after he tells me he's wanted out for so long, but when I speak of wanting a commitment with 'someone' in the truest form, he says "Yes, me too. Too bad we are on separate playing fields". He tells me everything I want to hear but I'm no idiot. He'd lose his house, seeing his kids everyday, have to pay half child support, and she would probably not leave without wanting as much of his money as possible. She'd get the house he designed, the expensive car he drives and the kids he helped to create. Why would he leave? He's basically stuck. The sooner we all realize that there is so much more to it than we even realize, the better off we would all be. I am a company owner and both of our jobs require a lot of hours. Since I've met him, my career has taken a downward spiral as he has somehow gotten me to NEED to replace him and go out and try to find the perfect man that will take my mind off him. And when this man's wife goes to bed at 9:00 every night in her freakin' cozy jammies, she has no idea that her husband has made another woman cry, and that he has at the same time, made her the happiest woman alive. She has no clue. But then, I'm not stupid. She very well may know and while he thinks she's sleeping, she could be gearing up for the Romeo that she can't wait to see tomorrow at work. He's probably the sucker. Not her. Yet, he did tell me he so badly wished she'd find the man of her dreams. Hey, I offered to send one her way, but suddenly, he had to go.

Go figure.

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This is for the very satisfied mistress:

First off, your response seems to stem from the fact that since you were cheated on before, you found a way to ease your ego by being the mistress who you once hated so much.

I think simply, that a man who cheats on his mistress (does that even apply as proper terminology) is doing what he is supposed to be doing, sleeping with his wife. I think that folks who have cheating and mistress problems have serious psychological issues, one for this mistress who thinks she is so happy and satisfied because she got to be the one powerful mistress who could over power a man with her "attractiveness", the very thing she felt she lacked when she might have been betrayed. So basically, cheaters just breed more cheaters, or mistresses. Smart women would drop the man. If you are so fulfilled and attractive, maybe finding a man who is actually not committed would be easier for you to attract? But it didn't happen that way, instead you just did one wrong after another wrong to actually delude yourself into thinking that what happened when you were 23 years of age is now probably healed or forgotten.

You people are seriously messed up, have serious sexual issues and intimacy issues you cannot sort out, and no concept of wrong or right. Rather, you either tell yourself you "love the man" or try to make it your own "conquest" instead.

Ladies if you don't want your man to cheat, here is a tip, never let him get bored, make sure that he knows that you will be looking at other attractive men if he ogles as well, because cheaters usually are insecure or bored and unsatisfied. The minute he realizes that you are putting effort into looking attractive, all the time, and are not available all the time for him, on hand and foot, have a life and friends, and not emotionally needy or dependant on him, the dynamic will change. He will be wondering what "you are up to". That alone will keep him on his toes and keep his mind on YOU. Its about a mental challenge. It may be a game, but its what needs to be done if you want to keep him from straying.Unless you are totally unattractive and don't work out at all, or he is after money. Which can be a factor sometimes.

First answer by TilterJ. Last edit by TilterJ. Contributor trust: 21 [recommend contributor]. Question popularity: 206 [recommend question]