Your daughter accused your husband of abuse how do I know who is telling the truth?

Answer 1

If such an accusation has been made, I would give the daughter the benefit of the doubt. It used to be said that a victim of abuse would never lie about it, but now we know that in rare and exceptional cases they do. After such an accusation, the relationships in the family are permanently changed, and they will change regardless of who is telling the truth. You didn’t say how old your daughter is, but here are a few things to ask yourself. Has her school performance changed? Has her social scene changed? By that I mean has she become a loner? Or started hanging around with a dodgy crowd? Have her moods changed? What is her behavior like? How does she take care of her appearance? Is her standard of hygiene the same? As I said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and take immediate steps to protect her. Not being believed by the non-offending parent causes more long term damage and resentment than the abuse itself does. Even if she is one of those very rare victims who is not telling the truth, the fact that she made such an allegation is in itself a sign that all is not well in her world, and she needs help, and she needs it now. Also, she is young and has a life to look forward to. You are older than your daughter and have already had more of a life than she has had. What you do now will change the whole course of her young life, no matter what it is. Whether she is telling the truth or not, your response will affect the healing process you both must undergo. If you fail her now, it will affect your relationship with her forever. She is a child; your husband is an adult who can look out for himself. A child needs her parents to look after her until she is old enough to do it herself. You too will need some help because this sort of situation is agonizing and terribly painful. You will have to cope with those overwhelming feelings while at the same time being a source of strength and inspiration to your daughter. Judith Lewis Herman is the international authority on abuse and its long term effects. Try to get hold of one of her books – you will need it. Wishing you strength, courage and good luck.